It’s About Time! 7 Reasons This StarGate Reboot Is Gonna Rock

Oh my Ra, it's happening. It's really happening. Roland Emmerich is getting the StarGate band back together for another trip to the desert planet of Abydos in an all new trilogy.

For a lot of people, StarGate was a weirdly fun movie that the History Channel Ancient Aliens guy treats like a documentary. But for a not-so-small subset of us, it was the kickoff to a universe rich with lore and DVD box seasons. If you don't want to see technologically advanced Egyptian 'gods' duke it out with benevolent Norse 'gods,' it's time to re-evaluate your priorities. I guess haters gonna hate but the rest of us who don't have joy turn to ash in our mouths will be over here waiting patiently for stuff like this.

#1 – 'StarGate' is basically 'The Mummy' mashed together with 'BattleStar Galactica.'

Image Credit: MGM

Ancient Egypt makes for rollicking good fun and we know it. Or we wouldn't keep throwing money at the likes of Harrison Ford and Brendan Fraser. But you know what makes ancient cultures better? Aliens. And bafflingly inept military schemes. What else but human hubris would see incomprehensible technology creating a giant portal to the other side of the universe and think 'I wanna touch it…with my gun.'

Whether or not Emmerich weaves in the lore from the show to give us a glimpse of the wider StarGate universe – with the Asgard being my personal choice because of the hilarity of a grey alien named Thor in today's Marvel-centric cinema – doesn't matter because we get to watch humans with guns fight aliens with laser beams while the local human chattel tries to figure out if these new gods in black fatigues are a good bet.   

#2 – James Spader is a lovable dork.

Image Credit: MGM

Look at this cutie. Sure he's filming 'Age of Ultron' right now but after that it's all fair game right? The trope of the non-violent scientist thrust into a violent conflict is a tale as old as time and audiences love it. Scrappy underdog is our second favorite trope, right behind tight-laced cop forced to partner with comedic relief. Of course, if Spader is busy I nominate Rachel Weisz for the role of lovable bookworm sassing her way straight to victory.

#3 – Dat portal.

Image Credit: MGM

Okay, okay. I retract my previous complaint about human hubris. There is literally no way in the known universe to resist at least sticking your hand into something that cool looking. It's the same primal urge that makes us press big red buttons or check to see if the 'wet paint' sign is telling the truth. The fact the lab techs in the room weren't drawn to it like moths to a flame might be the most unrealistic thing about this franchise.

#4 – The pyramids are landing docks which makes no sense but is glorious.

Image Credit: MGM

Look at this magnificent nonsense. The outer coating the Great Pyramid is long since eroded away but it still works? That is some seriously fine alien craftsmanship. If they're going to shit all over human ingenuity by implying our ancestors – who invented geometry – weren't intelligent enough to move rocks across sand without the cruel lash of alien overlords, at least they had the decency to make it look cool.

#5 – Guards with their retractable Anubis and Horus head gear, looking fine as hell.

Image Credit: MGM

If you're gonna subjugate the masses, you might as well look fantastic. Look at this GIF. I'll wait while you finish convulsing over how unfair it is retractable bad ass animal masks aren't a real thing. I'm gonna need more Anubis guard cosplay in my life immediately. Side note, how the hell does the VFX from this and 'Jurassic Park' still hold up today but 'I Am Legend' already looks dated and wonky? SHARE YOUR SPECIAL EFFECTS SECRETS 1990s ACTION BLOCKBUSTERS.

#6 – Humans are literally meat puppets but seem cool with it, which lends another layer of disturbingness to this human right's violation onion.

Image Credit: MGM

You see those kids? Those kids are the future Ra. That alien is gonna stick is ovipositor down their throat or mind meld with them or some other mystical alien witchcraft and take over their bodies. Think of it like Emperor Palpatine's room of clones only instead of transferring his essence to exact duplicate, Ra gets a new 'outfit' every few years. I hear high cheekbones and a heart-shaped face are all the rage this season.

#7 – Ra's wardrobe is seriously on point.

Image Credit: MGM

Dude, where does this guy shop because his fashion game is on another level. Who else but Ra could rock an over bust corset and indigo robes while maintaining a flawless bitch face?

Image Credit: MGM

Send help, his fashion game is too strong! I can feel myself weighed down under the might of his ability to accessorize. Where do you even GET a sun disc this time of year? If for no other reason, Roland Emmerich owes it to society to make this reboot for all the glorious cosplay that will come from it. San Diego Comic-Con 2017 is going to glam as hell.