Mariah Carey’s Hallmark Christmas movie looks unforgivable

Mariah Carey, the pop superstar and all-around perfect celebrity, has directed a Hallmark Channel movie. Better yet, it is a Christmas movie. Best yet, it is a movie with Lacey Chabert, best known for her role as Gretchen Weiners in “Mean Girls.” This does not look like a great movie.

In this clip, watch as Mariah intimidates Lacey using stilted sass and Joan Crawford-type lighting.

Wow. Well. Here's everything we got from that:

1) According to this movie, Mariah and Lacey went to high school together. OK.

2) I don't understand how Mariah can be this robotic. We saw “Precious,” right? She was great in that! Here she's giving you “Glitter” outtakes, but there's no camp value to soften the blow. 

3) I'd like to ask Director Carey what planet her lighting comes from. She looks like she's reporting live from a 2001 Jessica Simpson video. Lacey Chabert appears to be standing exactly three galaxies away from Mariah, whose height is 8'4″ in this clip. 

4) Lacey Chabert is doing a damn good job here, and I think she deserves the Nobel Prize for achieving legitimacy.

5) That shot of the expensive jewelry could be more Directed By Mariah Carey.

6) It just occurred to me that Mariah Carey might really join a PTA someday. I want to be at that meeting.

Anyway, I'll definitely be watching this. Merry Christmas to whole Lambily.