If you have anything resembling a beating heart in your cold, stupid body, you will love “RuPaul's Drag Race.” It's a bold, cool, petty, soulful, and sickeningly sickening competition for drag queens that gives us incredible runway shows, hysterical lip-sync battles, and the occasional vomiting fit.
The new season premieres January 26, but Logo has just revealed the identities and BMI percentages of its new cast. We rank the potential of the 14 new candidates below from worst to first. Gentlemen, start your engines — and may the best (and most ruthlessly tacky) woman win!
14. Violet Chachki
Trust me, I appreciate that her name is lifted from a Jennifer Tilly movie, but there is just nothing else going on here. She's the kind of person who says, “It's so true if you really think about it.” Right.
13. Mrs. Kasha Davis
Vague attempt at attitude without any punchlines. She seems like a doll, but this joke-free style is grim.
12. Ginger Minj
Absolutely vile drag name (Nicely done!) but I'm not inspired by her inspirations.
11. Jasmine Masters
The only thing worth noting here is that her name is a testament to the goddess Jasmine Guy. Go watch a random episode of “A Different World” right now and tell me you're not a born-again Jasmine Guy fan afterwards.
10. Kandy Ho'
I'm heartened by the fact that she auditioned only once and got on the show. I'm not so heartened by whatever else came out of her mouth. Where are the one-liners, ladies? Hit us with some comedy! Her makeup is downright enigmatic.
9. Sasha Belle
I went to school in Sasha's native Iowa City so I'll have to forgive the fact that she stole her name from Beyonce's ridiculous alter-ego. Guys, stop talking about Beyonce. Never an interesting conversation. I think Sasha seems sincere and smart otherwise.
8. Jaidynn Diore Fierce
Pretty standard until we get to that amazing line about Corbin Bleu. “He looks ready to go, and I am ready to go! As well!” Well done!
7. Kennedy Davenport
I'm a sucker for the sweethearts. Kennedy is basically a personified giggle. I hope she's got the skills to back up her effortless charm.
6. Miss Fame
I don't know why I'm expecting a lot of Miss Fame, but her hilariously phony interest in “The Secret” sold me. You have to love a queen who freely, emphatically admits she feeds on attention.
Believe it or not, I'm a bit sad that I'm not ranking Max higher. His shtick here isn't really working, but he is nonetheless working the hell out of that shtick. I get behind the queens who commit. She really, really needs to work on her wit if she's going to play an old Hollywood broad — as I suspect she will — in “Snatch Game.”
OK. Pearl's makeup is astonishingly ugly, but I approve of her languor and warped Donatella glamor. The boldest thing about her is that she, for some reason, remembers the name Nicole Paige Brooks.
3. Tempest DuJour
Nutty! And jokey! And on! She has some sizzle. I especially like that she digs Shakespeare, because queens these days are running through the same references time and again. Nice to see that we might be revisiting some of Prospero's magic this season.
2. Trixie Mattel
This interview begins blandly and ends up getting better and better. “Know your worth and demand three times as much” is effing EXCELLENT. I dig her whole Sally-Struthers-as-a-carnival-barker getup. There's some confidence, nerve, and subversion here. She seems prepared.
DEFINITE shades of Willam, but God, I easily laughed out loud three times. The shout-out to Laganja Estranja's “catchphrases” is uproarious and shady. I love, love, love her response to the lion/shark question and I also love the origin story of her name. We need to worship more gymnasts as a community. Why don't we have a drag queen named Mary Lou Threaten, Twatya Comaneci, or Olga Sorebutt yet? Let's get this going, drag nation.
Who are your favorite queens in the running?