‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Did Brandi and Carlton make out?

I really wasn’t sure what to make of this week’s episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” At first, it’s all about big, meaningful moments that would likely resonate more if they didn’t seem so laden with humble bragging and narcissism. While David Foster receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is a big deal, it’s probably more exciting if you’re actually there. Watching Kim shopping for graduation dresses with her kid? Not all that exciting either way.

Still, it was kind of fun to watch Yolanda speaking Dutch with her mom and brother and getting crazy excited that her brother brought stroopwafels from Holland for her. Hey, who doesn’t love stroopwafels? Or just saying stroopwafels? Stroopwafels, stroopwafels, stroopwafels!

We also had a lengthy “look at my not-so-glamorous glamorous life” segment, which featured Brandi picking up dog crap then terrifying her dog with an “I hate you I love you COME HERE FOR YOUR CUDDLES YOU BLEEPING DOG!” rant, Kyle complaining about how her kids don’t take care of the dog she keeps threatening to give away, and Carlton getting acupuncture for her cat. Wait, I think the last one was still pretty glamorous. But hey, you’ve got to take what you can get on this show. We should all just be grateful we didn’t have to watch these women shop Rodeo Drive or run over homeless people in their brand new Porsches for an hour. 

It all seemed very sedate, with a few notable exceptions. The first was watching Joyce and Kyle go to Kyle’s top secret facialist, who seems to be just one step away from whipping out some Spanish Inquisition equipment to coax better skin out of Beverly Hills car wrecks. When your aesthetician smiles and pops something on your head she calls “the Hannibal Lecter,” it’s really time to just say screw it and get a face lift. 

Still, Joyce was absolutely giddy with excitement that Kyle was talking to her! And they were hanging out like friends! I think Joyce may be overmedicated or undermedicated, but either way, she needs to calm the hell down. She is just so happy to talk to someone about what a bitch Lisa is! Kyle thinks Joyce is an innocent bunny, which might be true. For Joyce to think that complaining to Kyle about Lisa is a wise decision suggests innocence or a deep-seated desire to get sucker punched, one or the other. 

Also memorable was watching Kathy Hilton take the piss out of her two sisters, Kyle and Kim. “You’re wearing that? Do you have other shoes?” There was something truly awesome and terrifying about watching one blank stare absolutely destroy Kim’s fragile sense of self-esteem. I think we need to see a Richards family Christmas special, don’t you? 

Of course, I’m not sure Kim will be able to hold it together that long. She assures us she’s absolutely fine with the prospect of Kimberly leaving home, but I’m not convinced. Kim falls apart at the thought of having to separate her recyclables, I suspect, so Kyle probably isn’t wrong that an empty nest will leave her shaking and twitching in a corner somewhere. 

Anyway, it’s a whole lot of warm and fuzzy nonsense until the last two minutes of the show, in which Brandi confesses to Lisa that she made out with Carlton in the hot tub. Initially, part of me wanted to imagine Brandi made out with Alfonso Ribeiro, but the reality was pretty interesting, too. Brandi promises Lisa it was just “innocent fun,” but Lisa doesn’t seem convinced of that at all. “Apparently they’re either at each other’s throats or down each other’s throats,” she says of her Beverly Hills pals, and I’m guessing we’ll learn more next week. I’m just hoping I don’t have to suffer through another 40 or so minutes of dull bonding and tearful-without-tears big moments. I just don’t think I can bear it.

Do you think Carlton and Brandi will become friends or something more? Do you think Lisa and Kyle are going to fight again? Do you think Joyce is a sucker or ready for battle?