‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: Is a lesbian affair afoot?

It was bound to happen sooner or later on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” After all, these society matrons couldn’t possibly be working so hard at self-maintenance strictly for the amusement of their husbands. It was about time a few of the gals found a romantic spark with someone who could truly appreciate their designer clothes, handbags, and face-freezing Botox. C’mon, guys don’t get Hermes! Short of making out with a mirror, the next best thing? Another Housewife, of course! 

Carlton, who only seems to be sensitive about her witch status when Kyle asks stupid questions about it, is far more comfortable, it seems, with bisexuality. On a trip to Trashy Lingerie, she admires Brandi’s bod and has no problem ogling while casually advising her new friend on how to cast a spell to bring the right man into her life. Carlton, clearly, is looking for fun, nothing more. Brandi seems a bit like a wide-eyed Disney woodland creature, playfully bounding around the store and coveting slutty candy-colored underwear while admitting she’ll try anything to attract the right guy. Hey, bury a list? Make out with a girl? Yeah, sure, whatever! Bring it! Hey, looks like we’ll be getting a Very Special Episode of the show pretty soon! Actually, next week, if Brandi’s “I made out with Carlton” confession in the promo is to be believed.

A lesbian affair would at least break the tedium of the gals’ nonsensical bickering, which reached a new low this week. Kim claimed that she wanted to bring all of the ladies together to do a Cirque School class so that they could bond and hug and leave all their differences at the door. There will be trust exercises, ladies! No sooner does she get this pile of crap out of her mouth, than she informs Yolanda she’s being rude when she interrupts. Yolanda argues that, um, she just wants to get to the actual class and she understands what Kim said, but Kim seems to be deeply wounded by Yolanda’s behavior. So, the person who requested no drama at the class? Yeah, she would be the one bringing the drama. You can pretty much guess how the rest of this goes. 

Let’s see if I can keep track of who’s mad about what. Oh yes, Brandi is mad at Kyle for possibly telling the paparazzi she’s a bully, because you know how trustworthy the paparazzi can be! Lisa is mad at Kyle for not taking to Twitter to set things right, and Kyle is mad at Lisa and Brandi for fussing over this when she is going through HELL with the rumors about her husband cheating. Because they’re not true? Or because they are? I mean, if they’re not true, who cares? Kyle? Hello? 

Then, Joyce, realizing she’s not getting any screen time, pulls Lisa aside during lunch and informs her that she was rude to her when they first met. I can’t even get into this it’s so silly, but it involves Lisa abruptly waving Joyce away when she tried to fix her hair. Joyce is an honest person, so she wanted to tell Lisa to her face, because Yolanda mentioned it to her and Brandi mentioned it to her and… Lisa finally suggests Joyce share with the whole damn group, in part because she’s bored with this ridiculous circular argument, at which point Joyce informs everyone that Brandi warned her that Lisa can’t take criticism. So, in trying to be really honest, Joyce has succeeded in irritating Lisa and pissing off Brandi. Good job, Joyce! May have wanted to let this non-issue stay a non-issue! 

In happier news, Ken gave Lisa a puppy, which she promptly named Butt Sex. I mean Rumpy-Pumpy, which apparently means butt sex. Lisa could change the name, obviously, but she seems quite tickled at the prospect of screaming for butt sex on a semi-frequent basis. When Joyce, Kyle, Mauricio and Michael meet for lunch, Kyle makes a comment about how seventh-grade drama doesn’t seem all that different from what’s going on on this show. I’d argue it’s EXACTLY like what’s going on, which is making me so, so glad I’m not in middle school. Or, apparently, Beverly Hills.

Do you think Carlton and Brandi are going to have a fling? Do you think Kim and Kyle are being silly, or are Yolanda and Brandi being mean girls? Do you even care anymore, or is the show getting a little ridiculous?