Recap: ‘Big Brother’ has a brand new HOH — and the house is in turmoil

07.31.11 8 years ago 4 Comments

So, the big twist we”ve all been waiting for… is that everyone”s playing individually? Seriously, Big Brother, this is called phoning it in. But it seems that, as feeble as that so-called twist might be, the house is being thrown into crazy-ass chaos anyway, so I can’t complain too much.

The HOH competition is yet another boring test of upper body strength and viewer patience. And, as usual, the stakes are very, very high. At least, that’s what the hamsters tell us, every damn week. Daniele has to win this HOH. Jeff has to win this HOH. Kalia has to win this HOH. Shelly has to win this HOH. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, in some cases, it’s true. Daniele really does need to win HOH, because if the Jeff/Jordan/Rachel/Brendon block does win, it’s pretty likely she’s a target. But Shelly just wants to get a letter from her kid. She wants to win, but I’m not sure she has the ax-murderer level drive necessary to cling to a wall for hours on end while your lower body seems to do that ab workout Elizabeth Hasselbeck pimps in infomercials.

Oh, and Kalia thinks she”s public enemy one or two in the house. Really? I forgot she was on the show.
Adam is the first out after 9:10 minutes. I call wimp! But Adam’s really just being strategic, as he knows he’s not a likely target this week no matter who wins. After all, everyone’s been screaming and yelling and freaking out over the so-called Daniele/Dominic betrayal and I think everyone’s forgotten all about Adam and his “90210” obsession. In any case, he gets to open up a snowball that tells him he will wear an elf suit for one week. Not quite a banana suit, but this could be good fun nonetheless.
Lawon is out after 19:15. His snowball is suckier, in that he finds out he’ll be a have-not for the week. Poor Lawon.
But not everyone is tired of the Elizabeth Hasselbeck infomercial ab workout. Porsche is excited to compete again. She wants to help the veterans! Really, Porsche? Porsche is not the brightest bulb. If she were my VIP room waitress, I’d check my receipt carefully.
Brendon is out after 35:22. Seriously, Brendon? You look like you could bench press a minivan and you can’t handle this doofus test of stamina? Daniele can”t believe it, as she’s having a grand time with her ab workout and isn’t even tired. Rachel can”t believe it either, though she pretends to be supportive of her weeny fiance. Worse, Brendon is a have-not for the week.
The longer I watch this, the more I think Elizabeth Hasselbeck may be on to something. This has to be great for your core.
Just a thought — I can”t believe Kalia and Shelly have outlasted Brendon. I can’t believe Kalia has outlasted anyone, honestly. She does not strike me as someone who exercises her abs unless it involves hailing a cab.
Jeff, who apparently is only slightly less wussy than Brendon, jumps after 51:21. Daniele is, once again thrilled. On the bright side, Jeff wins the $10,000. Whoot!
Jordan does her best to hang in, but also falls after 57:29. Daniele is winning this. Daniele knows she’s winning this, and she switches from looking smug to grinning malevolently. 
Ah, another snowball for Jordan. She is a have not. The only thing worse would be if the snowballs were yellow, if you know what I mean.
Next comes the snowstorm. Which looks like confetti or shredded plastic, so I’m not sure what this does other than create crap for the crew to clean up. But okay, oooh, snowstorm.
Porsche is having pain in her shoulder, which is, according to her, located in her elbow. She makes it to 1:16:33.
Brendon is a little bitter that so many girls have cleaned his clock in this competition. He says Kalia”s muffin top gives her an advantage, as it gives her something to hang on. Well, that’s mean, but I’m not ruling it out as a possibility.
The veterans, realizing that the only person still in the competition who could show them mercy is Shelly, cheer her own. Ceaselessly. Kalia, not being brain damaged, is now suspicious of Shelly. She trusts Shelly 22 percent. That’s actually a little high, Kalia.
Rachel is now pouting, as she is always wont to do. She thinks she could have won this competition. She thinks Brendon is a weak little baby. Why does she HAVE  TO  DO  EVERYTHING  AROUND    HERE? Oh, Rachel, I love that you and Brendon are just such a glimmering example of deep, deep dysfunction, but I imagine that if I was trapped in a house with the two of you I’d be looking for the sharpest knife in the kitchen to end my suffering.
Shelly, the veterans’ last hope, drops after 1:26:54.
Brendon and Rachel hug. Daniele and Kalia quietly hate Rachel’s guts.
Kalia, finally realizing she isn’t exactly public enemy number one or two with Daniele, jumps after 1:37:01. Daniele wins HOH. She”s back in the game! Daniele and Kalia dance around the supply room. No one should feel safe, as Daniele intends to make some people sweat.
Rachel cries and silently resents Brendon. Kalia tries to tell Rachel she has no beef with her, and Rachel tells her she”s psycho. Not quite sure how the conversation jumped to that conclusion, but Rachel, pot, meet kettle. Brendon defends Rachel to Kalia, who stands there wondering what alternate loony land she stumbled into. In a spare bedroom, Rachel cries some more. Rachel doesn”t know why everyone is so mean to her! Brendon assures Rachel that Kalia is a nobody-psycho-loser-nobody. Brachel (Brenchel? Rachdon? Can we find a combined name that rhymes with Batcrap Crazy?) scare me a little.
Daniele assures Jordan she isn”t going after her or Jeff. Jordan hugs her but she isn”t buying it. Jeff thinks it”s go time. He needs Jordan to think positive. Yeah, Jeff, maybe she’d be feeling more positive if you hadn’t dropped off the ab roller exercise like a dead tick.
Everyone tromps up to see Daniele’s HOH room. Daniele lets Lawon rock the HOH robe. Rachel notes that everyone seems deeply depressed, which is unusual, because she thinks everyone usually likes to see the HOH room. Oh, Rachel. You think no one wanted to claw their eyes out every time you’ve won? That’s almost sweet.
Lawon talks to Shelly and Jordan about being gay. His grandmother knew he was gay and told him to be the best black gay man he could be. Cool grandma, Lawon! Lawon is playing for the teenagers, though I wish he’d play a little harder if he’s trying to be a role model. Right now, it seems like he’s trying to tell the next generation to float and fly under the radar without trying too hard.
Jeff and Jordan go up to Daniele”s HOH room. Jeff admits his feelings were hurt by being targeted. Daniele asks for a truce next week if she doesn’t target them this week. Jeff takes it. I almost wish he hadn’t, as I don’t think they needed to. Daniele is clearly gunning for Rachel and Brendon, if you ask me.
Adam gets into his elf costume. Jeff notes that he didn”t imagine that elves at the North Poe chain smoked, but he never imagined Adam, I’m sure. Adam is a foul-mouthed, chain-smoking elf. Probably a lot like David Sedaris in the “SantaLand Diaries.”
The hamsters get bored. Rachel and Porsche jog around the house. Rachel trips. And keeps going. Where”s the hamster wheel?
Wow, have-not food is mighty nasty this week – sardines and seaweed. Jordan had a bad experience with fish in kindergarten. I guess Jordan is going to be losing weight this week, as is Brendon and Lawon. Even if they like sardines, these have to be the ugliest ones in the “about to go bad” discount section of the local Ralph’s.
Rachel and Brendon go kiss Daniele”s ass. Daniele genuinely likes Brendon and Rachel. Or at least that’s what she says, though I’m fairly sure she’s lying through her teeth. Brendon suggests a deal, but Daniele tells them she”s not making deals. Uh-huh. Yeah, lying through teeth. They wrap things up with big hugs all around. Yeah, Brachel (Brenchel, Rachdon, Nutballs) is done for.
Daniele isn”t afraid to get blood on her hands. This does not surprise me. I think she might actually like getting blood on her hands, truth told.
Time for nomination ceremony!
Adam is safe.
Kalia is safe.
Shelly is safe.
Lawon is safe.
Jordan is safe.
Porsche is safe.
Jeff is safe.
So, Rachel and Brendon are screwed. Daniele says it isn”t personal. But Rachel is taking it personally. It”s war! Jeff is amazed Daniele didn”t put him on the block. He wants to win the veto to keep the nominations the same. Wha? Wow, Jeff, maybe get rid of a few floaters before you bust up your alliance! Although I can’t blame him — he’s probably about to lose his mind listening to Rachel’s laugh for so many weeks.
Do you think Daniele’s making the right move? Are you ready to see Brachel broken up? Who do you think will win the POV?

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