It’s been a busy first week for our “Big Brother” hamsters. Rachel put Porsche and Keith up for Eviction. The Regulators were born. Evel Dick went off into the Diary Room and never returned. Everybody in the house conspired independently to throw the Power of Veto, working at hilarious cross-purposes. And, in a daring challenge, the new contestants competed to see if they could accumulate 100 IQ points between them! [The last thing didn’t happen. I just wanted to imply that they aren’t particularly clever.]
Click through for a minute-by-minute report from Thursday (July 14) night’s “Big Brother” elimination episode…
9:03 p.m. ET. You’ve gotta love “Big Brother.” Episodes begin four minutes late and end four minutes early. Three episodes weekly is really more than two-and-a-half.
9:04 p.m. This is the second week in a row that Julie Chen has hosted the live show with her shoulders covered. I hope this isn’t a formal policy.
9:05 p.m. Whew. The Chenbot may have determined that live shows require decorum, but Porsche has not. The VIP Waitress is wearing a deep blue nightie for the live show. Good for her.
9:05 p.m. We pick up in the aftermath of the PoV competition. Keith is convinced he’s sure to get the Golden Key. Porsche doesn’t exactly “think,” per se, but she has confidence the Veterans are gonna keep her around. In private, there’s hostility between the former partners, now bloodless adversaries. “You can tell Keith is lying, cuz his lips are moving,” says an unwooed Porsche, swathed in a “You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch” t-shirt.
9:07 p.m. In the Have-Not Sanitarium, they agree that Porsche needs to go out next. Cassi thinks they have the math to keep Keith in the game, though I’m not sure Cassi’s math skills rank highly on her latest C.V. [I’m not criticizing here. Nowhere on my resume does it claim that I’m capable of even the most basic of division or Roman Numerals.]
9:08 p.m. The Veterans are concerned, but not excessively concerned. Jeff has figured out that they can still make the vote go the way they need it to if they can just flip one person. Jeff thinks Adam is probably their best bet for vote-swaying, but he reckons Shelly could work too.
9:09 p.m. New Veterans strategy? Socialize. They do this by getting drunk and playing a game called “Big Booty.” Jeff, who says he’s willing to “whore himself out” is perfectly happy to shake his rump if it might lead to votes. Rachel whips out “Vegas Rachel,” who looks a lot like Los Angeles Rachel and College Rachel and Plastic Surgery Advocate Rachel. Dominic isn’t swayed by any of the rumpular remonstrations.
9:10 p.m. You’re constantly aware that the hamsters are really bored, but this segment — Rachel admits that her pet name for Brandon is “Bookie” [or maybe “Bukie,” since it isn’t pronounced like the guy you go to if you want to place a basketball bet] and Brandon admits that he’s OK with the nickname, but only coming from Rachel — is especially bad. Or maybe it’s intended to make their game of Cornhole Toss seem exciting by comparison? Brandon tires of Las Vegas Rachel and he leads her up to the HoH room for quiet time. Or it would be quiet time if Rachel couldn’t stop braying, “I love you.” Brendon tries explaining that “Bookie” is sacred and it’s not a term that should be shared with people who think their love is a joke. Like America? Rachel starts bawling as the segment becomes “As the Weird Turns.”
9:16 p.m. “Could a single term of endearment be the distraction that derails their plan?” Julie Chen asks. And back in the House, Rachel is still crying because Brendon is still angry about the whole Bookie thing. Brendon wants to become a medical professional and he’s worried nobody will take advice from Dr. Bookie. Rachel apologizes for making him feel “demasculintized” and she mounts him. Brendon’s convinced there will be no more attempts to “demasculinate” him and he revels in the mounting.
9:19 p.m. Jeff has a plan to bring Adam into their fold. His plan: NAMING RIGHTS. He’s going to let Adam name the Veteran alliance, which he thinks will lock him down. Adam is chuffed just to be thought of in this capacity, though the best he can come up with is “Adam’s Angels.” Is that anything like “Keith’s Angels”? These newbies are not very creative. The Veterans think that Shelly and Adam are both with them in voting Keith out.
9:22 p.m. “This vote will decide which side of the house you’re on,” Adam says, admitting that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
9:25 p.m. Hamster Chat! They have a message from Evel Dick. He says he’s OK and his girlfriend and family are OK. He says that it was “a personal issue” that he had to deal with immediately. He apologizes to Danielle and vows that he’s going to watch every episode. “Take no prisoners and I miss you all… or most of you,” Dick says. Put on the spot, Danielle is on the verge of tears and reminds us that “this part’s not ‘Big Brother,’ this part’s real life.” Julie Chen stares her down and says, “No ‘I love you’?” Danielle stutters, “This is so awkward.” And she’s right. It’s really awkward.
9:28 p.m. Adam is wearing a “‘B’ is for Bacon and that’s good enough for me” t-shirt.
9:29 p.m. Final arguments! “First, I want to say ‘Porsche, you rock.'” Keith says. He urges his fellow hamsters to have fun and remember it’s only a game. Porsche says… very little, but she thanks people for playing the game with her.
9:30 p.m. Let’s vote. Dominic’s up first and he votes to evict Porsche. Brendon votes to evict Keith. Jordan votes to evict whoever Jeff told her to evict, meaning Keith. Cassi votes to evict Porsche.
9:35 p.m. Back to the vote. Lawon votes to evict Porsche. So far, none of this is surprising. Jeff votes to evict Keith. “I just want to say that I *do* love my father,” says a shamed Danielle, who votes for Keith. In exchange for his naming rights, Adam votes to evict… Porsche. No Adam’s Angels, then? Kalia votes to evict Keith. Interesting. Shelly votes to evict Keith. Wow. Two turncoats among the newbies.
9:38 p.m. Keith has been evicted by a vote of 6-4. Porsche gets a Golden Key. I guess the veterans feel that Porsche is more malleable, but nobody really won here.
9:39 p.m. Julie accuses Keith of cockiness and Keith admits, “I was.” He says he’s shocked. He’s got a big smile, but he can’t process his thoughts. “I wish I had played the game a little different,” he says, before Julie suggest that throwing the PoV was “not the smartest move.” Keith keeps smiling. Julie’s throwing hardballs his way, asking if he made a mistake in choosing Porsche. “It’s very hard,” Keith says of the challenges of the game, eventually muttering something about Porsche’s hotness and not falling for her.
9:42 p.m. Cassi apologizes and says that Keith came in to play “The Dating Game” instead of “Big Brother.” Lawon says, “Keith, you acted the fool.” Rachel tells Keith that he fell victim to Hurricane Rachel. Porsche points to her “You Can Look But You Can’t Touch” shirt, as if she’s making a point. I’m not watching any of the live feeds or Showtime After Dark hours, but I assume that Keith was much more interesting and aggressive and idiotic in the stuff we didn’t see? Because the guy I watched was just silly, but not worth any of this drama.
9:47 p.m. Let’s get our Head of Household on… In honor of the British Open, we’ve got a golf-themed challenge. It’s called “Big Brother Open” and asks the hamsters to aim for a hole-in-one on a mini-putting-green. Dominic goes first and, thus, takes the early lead. It holds for several contestants until Jordan overtakes him. Our new Head of Household is Jordan, which means lots of Dutch Ovens in the HoH room!
9:55 p.m. This is Jordan’s first time winning HoH. She giggles and thanks Jeff and Brendon for letting her win. This season’s female contestants are not really advancing a feminist agenda, are they?
9:55 p.m. How does Porsche feel to have the Golden Key? “It feels really good, Julie. I’m really glad I get to stay in the house longer.”
9:56 p.m. Is it hard for Shelly to be away from her daughter? “It’s really hard.”
9:56 p.m. Who is Adam’s favorite “90210” character? “Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!” See, that’s a funny response. But that’s not it’s not a legitimate answer to the question. Or I refuse to accept its legitimacy.
9:57 p.m. With stimulating conversation like this, Julie Chen’s gotta be looking forward to her next episode of “The Talk.”
What’d you think of tonight’s “Big Brother” results?