Recap: ‘The Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘Night of A Thousand Surprises’

Oh joy, it’s time for Lisa’s big opening of Sur. After months of demo work, painting and polishing, what better way to show off this lovely new space than a private party? Yeah, and the gods laughed hard at that one. Let’s just say that if Pandora’s wedding is even half as eventful, she might want to think about scrapping the whole thing and getting hitched at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas. I’m fairly sure we will never see a gray hair on Lisa’s head, but this evening would have turned most people’s hair pure white. 

Things start off calmly enough. We see Kyle having a thoroughly inappropriate chat with her daughter Farrah about recent events, during which Farrah plays the grown-up and delicately suggests it’s about time Kyle and Kim stopped acting like hysterical high school students and maybe, just maybe, accepted one another for who they really are instead of who they want the other to be. Kyle, who is too busy obsessing, doesn’t seem to take this suggestion too seriously. Too bad. 

Elsewhere, Kim and Ken decide to trash, I mean stay at, a hotel room closer to Sur so they don’t have to drive drunk back to the Valley. Just kidding. They have a limo, so they just don’t want to throw up in it and lose their deposit. Anyway, Kim gets a visit from her make-up artist Thierry. She shows him the vibrator she thought was a lip gloss. She didn’t know WHAT it was! Um, yes, yes you did, Kim. Stop acting like an idiot. She asks Ken to get her a 7-Up. When he returns with a can, she’s appalled. On ice, silly! And find my jewelry! She sighs to Thierry that Ken is just a DISASTER. He orders the wrong pizza for her! That BASTARD! I am starting to wonder why Ken is putting up with Kim instead of the other way around. Kim tells Thierry she’s disappointed in Kyle. That damn sister and all her concern! Geez! 

Ooh, it’s time for the party to start! Did you know Sur stands for Sexy Unique Restaurant? I didn’t, but it says that on the wall. I am now decidedly less interested in ever going to Sur, to tell the truth. 

Luckily, that’s not true of seemingly everyone else Lisa and Ken know. Brandi arrives and flirts with Ken, which now seems to tickle Lisa to no end. Adrienne and Paul arrive, as does their chef Bernie. Lisa has no idea who he is. She hugs him uncomfortably. She finally figures out he’s Adrienne’s chef, but she seems somewhat skeeved out. She’s air kissed the help! Get the hand sanitizer!

Oh boy, the fun is about to begin. Brandi realizes that one of her ex-husband’s mistresses, Scheana, is a waitress at Sur. Scheana realizes Brandi is there. Lisa asks Brandi if she’s okay, and even though Brandi doesn’t care if Scheana sticks around, Lisa sends her home. Brandi thinks that’s sweet of Lisa. I think Lisa now has less help than she needs for her party, but as long as Brandi’s comfy, that’s all that matters. Maybe she can bus some tables or something

Camille shows up in a very short red dress, and Kyle arrives. She tells Lisa she hasn’t talked to Kim since Hawaii, and knowing that means there will certainly be yelling and screaming at her delightful little opening party, Lisa is now stressed out. I mean, more stressed out. But really, she doesn’t know the half of it. 

Back at the hotel room, Ken tells Kim what he’s packed for her. Ken packed for her? Either this is a sign he’s controlling or Kim is such a mess she can’t get her underwear into a bag. Kim likes to have freedom! This is so hard, not having freedom! To Kim, freedom means never having to wear clean clothing, I think. But the longer this dispute goes on, the more I side with Ken. Kim thinks Ken was rude not to hang up her clothes. Is this guy her boyfriend or her valet? 

Because things have been going SO smoothly, it’s time for more drama. Cedric shows up at Sur. Kyle’s eyes almost fly out of her head, but Cedric doesn’t seem to think it’s the least bit odd that he’s crashing the party. He thinks it’s so good to see Lisa! Apparently he no longer wishes her dead and hates her children, fancy that. Lisa tells him he’s not invited and that he needs to leave. She doesn’t wish him harm, but she wishes him nothing at all. Cedric blinks but continues smiling. I wonder if there’s something really wrong with Cedric, I mean beyond what appears to be some bad plastic surgery. Brandi, panicked, tells Lisa she didn’t invite him. Amazingly, Cedric doesn’t hustle for the door. He wants to be there for Lisa! After air kissing most of the housewives, Cedric finally exits, and Lisa can resume her party. Everything will be fine from now on, right? Right? Ha.

Brandi tells Lisa she wants everything to be okay between her and Cedric! I take it Lisa did not see last season’s reunion show. Lisa explains to her it won’t be okay, and to just let it go. Brandi looks sad. Why can’t everyone just get along? 

Taylor, who is wearing the leopard print version of Camille’s dress, welcomes her date for the evening into her house. And that is? Dr. Sophy, of course! Who DOESN’T take their therapist to parties? Okay, this must be a Beverly Hills thing, because I thought this would be a definite no-no. 

At the party, Adrienne needs to inform Lisa that she has apparently invited Paul’s ex-girlfriend. At this point, Lisa just looks exasperated. Is Beverly Hills the smallest town in America? Luckily, Adrienne’s cool with the ex sticking around, thank God. I’m betting Lisa’s wishing she’d hired more bouncers.  

After hemming and hawing and basically puttering around for no reason, Kim finally leaves the hotel room, much to Ken’s relief. Not that the limo ride to the party is going to be a bucket of laughs. Kim finds garbage in the limo. She has to take off her bra. She thinks her anxiety slows her down. YES, yes it does. Is she just figuring this out?

Taylor talks to Dr. Sophy about the evening ahead. She would have chickened out about going to the party if not for him. But she loves her friends! She feels bad for dragging them into her mess! Dr. Sophy tells her that she’s going to have to clean up some messes. Taylor hopes her friends will be kind. Oh, Taylor. You’re so funny. 

Kim arrives at the party — and has to show MORE people her vibrator. Whatever medication Kim is taking, it’s clearly not working. Kyle gives Kim a hug, then needs a second to herself. Or really, a second with Lisa. Kyle cries on Lisa’s shoulder. Lisa tries to tell Kyle to man up without slapping her. Lisa has had a LOT to deal with t his evening. 

Meanwhile, Kim is on the party train. She hugs Adrienne, Paul and Mohammed. Then, Kim pulls Adrienne aside and tells her she’s moving out. Um, didn’t she just move in? Adrienne is confused, so Kim makes her go to the bathroom with her. I think Adrienne would rather go almost anywhere than into the bathroom with Kim, but she buckles. Kim tells Adrienne that Ken has a mean, bad side. He’s controlling. Adrienne, who looks like she wants to plug  her ears and scream LALALALALALALA, wishes she’d talk to Kyle. Once released from Kim’s death grip, Adrienne quickly finds Kyle and begs her to talk to Kim. So she never has to again. 

Finally, a pow wow between the sisters. This always ends well. Kim tells Kyle it’s not working with Ken. Kim cries every day, all the time. Ken tells her her hair doesn’t look good! And that she’s a lost soul! What a BASTARD! Kyle is confused. She knows Kim’s depressed. Kim was so looking forward to someone taking care of her! They cry together. And then, just like that, they’re fighting about Hawaii. Kim never apologizes! Kyle just wants Kim to be a responsible adult! How did we get here again? 

In one of those wonderful, lightning quick moments that Bravo likes to slip in between commercials, Ken wants to know what Brandi called him in Hawaii. Brandi, being insane or having a death wish, tells  him she thought he looked like  gay bull mastiff. Holy crap, I think this guy is going to break her other foot. But Brandi and Paul just laugh their asses off. If either one of these two ends up at the bottom of the Hollywood Resevoir, I think we have a suspect. 

Kyle and Kim grow tired of shrieking at one another. But wait! There’s something else! Kim is late. As in, her period is three months late. Sorry, but come on, that’s menopause. She’s 47 damn years old. But Kim is SURE she’s having a baby. Not that she wants one, of course. She’d love a puppy or a kitty, but not a kid. Ken drops in on the conversation, and so does Mauricio, probably to make sure the Gay Bull Mastiff doesn’t slug his wife. Kyle and Kim share a lip gloss and a look that’s probably meaningful only to them. Oh, those crazy sisters!

Taylor finally arrives at the party. Lisa, her new bestie, sees a bruise under Taylor’s eye and clucks sadly. Before the greetings get too involved, Dr. Sophy says it’s time for a conversation. Taylor has something to tell her friends, and he will be moderating. I would think this is a conversation that might be better had at, oh, a therapist’s office, but go ahead, scream over the din while drinking and picking seared ahi from between your teeth, girls! 

Taylor admits she’s been acting like a crazy person for six months. She’s sorry. She cries. Lisa says there’s no apology necessary. Oh, yes there is! Adrienne says she’s confused, and she reminds Taylor about the threatening letter sent to Camille. Taylor better damn well apologize, in other words. 

Meanwhile, Kim hides in the bathroom. Ken wants Kim to come out. Kim will not come out. I hope there’s more than one bathroom in this place, but I suspect not. 

Adrienne, who’s still not fully on Team Taylor, points out there are two sides to the story. Taylor cries. Dr. Sophy asks everyone to listen to Taylor’s story. Taylor tells them that Russell hurt her, and she decided she couldn’t take these risks anymore. She should have left Russell years ago, but she wasn’t strong, not like Adrienne! Nice suck up, Taylor. Well played. 

As expected, Kim hiding out in the one bathroom at Sur becomes a problem. Jennifer needs to use the restroom. Kim doesn’t care. Ken wants to come in. Oh, that’s good, let’s just have more people pile inside while someone needs to pee. Leave me alone! Kim shouts. Oh my GOD, someone just grab her by her hair and yank her out. 

Taylor admits she’s been unfair to her friends and tells the girls she’s sorry about the lawsuit threat and she hopes she can be forgiven. She loves them all! She had to tell them the truth, and hopes relationships can be repaired. Dr. Sophy made sure she had a very nice little speech, and apparently it does the trick. Oh, wait, not yet. 

Camille wants her apology. She is not forgetting that Taylor accused her of putting her family in danger (when we all know Taylor put her damn family in danger by sticking with a wife beating ass). Taylor meekly apologizes, and voila! Camille forgives her. She actually thinks it’s time for everyone to come together for Taylor. Camille probably realizes that Russell couldn’t get a decent lawyer to take his ridiculous lawsuit and that she could bury him without even scratching her gardening budget for the month, but she did just want her feelings to be acknowledged. All of the girls hold hands, and it’s a big, fuzzy heartwarming moment if you didn’t know that the girls are all going to gossip about how Taylor needed to get a better make-up artist to cover her bruise the moment she leaves the room. 

Finally, Kim emerges from the bathroom, only to find that Ken has given up on waiting patiently for her outside. Why does she even care? Isn’t she dumping him anyway? Or is she still expecting him to bring her a 7-Up on ice? 

Next week, it’s the big finale with Pandora’s wedding. Are you ready?

What did you think of Lisa’s party? Were you surprised Cedric showed up? Were you surprised Taylor showed up? And were you surprised Taylor took Dr. Sophy to the party?