Phaedra visits Kim bearing a massive gift basket and (more importantly) an apology for how her husband got into a fight with Peter at the baby shower. Kim accepts the apology — and notes that Cynthia has made no effort to contact her and never brought a gift. I have to say, that’s pretty crappy of Cynthia. Not only did Peter throw a fit at the shower, Cynthia and her bratty husband showed up just minutes before they started stacking the chairs and turning off the chafing tables. At the very least, make a damn phone call. Kim notes that Peter is older than dust (her guess? Sixty-five or seventy-five), but most definitely old enough to know better than to start a fight at a damn baby shower. I’m with Kim on this one. Even though I thought her shower was thoroughly ridiculous, that’s no excuse for anyone to come, pitch a fit, and not even leave behind a onesie.
Cynthia’s sister Malorie doesn’t particularly like Peter, but she allows her beloved sister to drag her to see his new bar anyway. Who does like Peter? I mean, other than Cynthia? The purpose of the visit, of course, is for Malorie and Peter to patch things up, as Peter cannot forgive Malorie for hiding the marriage certificate the day of his wedding and she can’t bring herself to apologize for wanting to protect her sister. Yeah, this isn’t going to be so happily resolved just because Cynthia wants it to be. Peter tries to deny that he’s been ignoring Mal’s calls. Mal and Cynthia shoot down his feeble explanations, at which point Cynthia decides to leave the room so they can “talk.” If by talking she means screaming at one another, that’s pretty much what happens. Peter can’t get past the idea the most important day of his life has been “ruined” by Malorie. Oh, come on, what is he, a twenty-year-old blushing bride? He got married, he won the battle, get over it. Malorie may have done a crappy thing, but let’s face it, Cynthia acted like she was being dragged down the aisle by her hair. I would have thought she was a bad sister if she didn’t think about doing something. I hope that when Peter has burned through all of Cynthia’s modeling money and they’re in the midst of an acrimonious divorce, Malorie resists the urge to say “I told you so,” though I wouldn’t blame her for saying it one bit.
Phaedra and Kandi go to look at a potential location for Kandi’s 35th birthday party. Sheree, who is supposed to join them, shows up late. Why is it that someone always shows up late to any gathering of three people or more on this show? Kandi informs Sheree that NeNe will be coming to her party, and Phaedra assures Kandi she won’t be bringing Apollo just in case he gets grumpy. But Phaedra will be bringing… a surprise. Something right up Kandi’s alley. Phaedra stops just short of saying, “Wink, wink, nudge, nudge” and wiggling her eyebrows.
Kandi, having broken the bad news to Sheree, then goes shoe shopping with NeNe. Hairstylist Derek J joins them wearing his own ridiculously high heels. I think his only purpose in this segment is to show off his high heels. Kandi admits to NeNe she didn’t plan a party with Kim this year, and NeNe is not surprised. She thinks Kandi wanted a genuine friendship from Kim and Kim just wanted a hit single. Oof. I’m not saying she’s wrong, but oof. Since NeNe is already being a little catty, Kandi decides to tell her that Sheree will also be coming to the party. NeNe can deal with it as long as she doesn’t have to sit next to her. I still suspect Kandi’s 35th birthday party is going to suck with these two on the guest list.
And now, off to Babyland. Kim and Kroy meet with Lisa, a baby consultant. I think they also call these people nurses or teachers, but okay. Kim and Kroy want to learn about circumcision. Kim doesn’t want to cause her baby pain, but no way is she letting her kid go through life with a turtleneck on his pee-pee. Isn’t that nice? I really didn’t care if Kim took her kid to Dr. Snippy, but glad to know her stance on circumcision. May this video not haunt her son for the rest of his life.
NeNe visits Cynthia’s house, wheyier busting out the champagne for some reason, possibly because it’s noon. Time for gossip! NeNe is getting along so well with Gregg she had sex with him. Divorce is fun! Because Peter looks like he wants to sick up hearing about NeNe’s love live, she changes the topic to the one other subject that makes Peter want to sick up — his conversation with Mal. Peter says everything is fine and gets up from the table. It’s funny how Peter knows the right thing to say — but has no interest in saying said right thing to Mal.
Sheree and Phaedra go to the home site of Chateau Sheree, which hasn’t changed one bit since the last time Sheree was there. There was apparently a permit problem, which set them back three weeks. Phaedra decides to make it clear she’s a lawyer and will sue Andrew the contractor’s ass if he screws Sheree. Then, because stating you’re a lawyer with an itchy finger isn’t enough, Phaedra shows the contractor her donkey. Which is her butt. And it is a fine butt, but if I were Andrew I would take her a lot less seriously as a lawyer once she starts pointing to her butt and urging him to drink it in.
But because we haven’t belabored the whole Malorie/Peter battle enough, it’s time for MORE drama on that front. Malorie and her husband Chris visit Cynthia’s modeling studio. Mal is not thrilled that Cynthia expects her to be the receptionist once they open, but she’ll do anything for her sister. Hear that, Cynthia? Mal tells Cynthia she’ll be extremely disappointed if she gives Peter money for Bar One. This seems reasonable to me, but somehow the conversation becomes an argument about who has the better marriage. Cynthia thinks she and Mal need to have a talk. Mal is damn sick of talking. And who can blame her?
Back in Babyland, Kim takes a pregnancy test so Kroy can see one. He’s never seen a pregnancy test before! This should not be a big surprise, really. Shockingly enough, it’s positive. Do these people really have nothing else to do?
Time for Kandi’s birthday pary! She thinks she’s getting too old to get married and have another kid. She wishes she had a Kroy. She’s giving herself until she’s 37, and if Mr. Right doesn’t show up before that point, she’ll go to a sperm donor. Or she could just date a cute younger man and trap him into a relationship by getting knocked up. Just a thought.
Phaedra arrives at the party. With her taser. She never goes anywhere without it. Wow, I would not mess with Phaedra for so many reasons. Sheree’s hairstylist Lawrence also arrives looking like Mr. T dipped in Superwoman, according to Phaedra. I kind of love that description, even if I think he looks like a very confused ’80s punk.
Finally, it’s time for The Big Tension to begin. Sheree arrives, and her entrance is followed shortly thereafter by NeNe’s. They don’t speak, but two teams are quickly established — you’re either Team NeNe or Team Sheree or you’re hanging out by the cupcakes and crying, apparently. Kandi has to hop back and forth between the NeNe side of the party and the Sheree side of the party. Happy birthday, Kandi! You may be 35, but your friends act like they’re in middle school!
Time for Phaedra’s big surprise. It’s in a big red box, and inside is a stripper named Ridiculous. This name, it appears, is in reference to this size of his unity. NeNe is apparently grossed out by stripping as she’s Rich and Classy and was NEVER a stripper herself, and Kandi’s mother Joyce walks out. Phaedra gives Kandi dollar bills, too, just so that she can enjoy Ridiculous. Not that Ridiculous cares, because Ridiculous can (and does) pleasure himself. Orally. NeNe declares this nasty, and I have to say, I’m with NeNe on this one. She declares it disgusting for anyone to suck their penis at a table where people are wearing their Louis Vuitton and Gucci. I don’t care if everyone’s wearing the Jaclyn Smith Collection from Kmart, this is pretty gross. NeNe, Cynthia and Peter decide to leave.
Still, Kandi loved her gift. And so, because her daughter is having fun and in such a way that does not include Joyce whatsoever, Mom thinks it’s a good time to come over and scream at Kandi about the stripper. Kandi doesn’t understand, as her mother is usually open minded. But no, Joyce thinks Kandi should have had more respect for her. Yes, at Kandi’s birthday party, Kandi should have been monitoring her gifts to make sure her mother approved of them. Kandi tries to check on her mother, making the mistake of pointing out that Joyce has seen strippers before, which inspires Joyce to say she’s never liked them. Joyce pouts and storms off.
As expected, Kandi had one swell 35th birthday party! Oh, wait, it was a mess. I hope Kandi saved some of the champagne to drink at home, alone with some videos and a pint of ice crierm, where she might actually have a decent time.
Do you think Joyce had any right to complain? Do you think Malorie or Peter are right? And are you wishing Kim would just have that damn baby already?