Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ – ‘Three Wigs and a Baby’

12.11.11 7 years ago 3 Comments
So, it’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for (or, actually, maybe not). Kim is going to squeeze out her boy spawn after many months of flopping on her bed like a dying whale, if dying whales compulsively ate junk food and whined. I’m sure this will be presented as a heartwarming moment, but I suspect what we won’t see will be fairly nightmarish moments when she details all the different ways she intends to kill Kroy while he silently thinks of ways he can get full custody of his son and flee the country once his football career is over. 
On that cheery note, we start out with Kim and Kroy packing a bag so that she can go get the thumbs up from her doctor to get induced. “Don’t forget my wig!” she screeches as they head for the door. Of course. Who doesn’t head off to maternity hoping her fake hair will be placed in a position of prominence in the backseat (it is, of course)? The doctor comes into her room wearing his serious expression. She might have pre-eclampsia. Which is serious. Since obesity is a risk factor and she’s had pre-eclampsia before, she might have thought twice about lying in bed and eating Doritos like an extra from a Judd Apatow movie, but never mind. She’s off to get induced! And, while munching on what she calls a donut but I hope isn’t because it’s slathered in cream cheese and MAN, that’s gross, she heads to the hospital with Kroy. Whom she plans to scream at. I feel so sorry for Kroy, but if he’s happy, I guess that’s all that matters. 
Meanwhile, Cynthia is packing to run off to, I mean visit New York with NeNe. Peter wants to make sure she doesn’t have fun, and definitely doesn’t have fun during her meeting with Russell Simmons. Cynthia and Russell used to date, and Russell, though small and troll-like, makes a hell of a lot more money than Peter, who is troll-like in his own way. Personally, I think Cynthia screwed the pooch on this one, as she’ll probably still end up divorced, and divorced from Russell Simmons usually means your own clothing line and gobs and gobs of money, whereas divorced from Peter means he will conveniently forget about paying you back the money he owes you.
At the dirt lot that Sheree hopes to be the future yard of her ridiculous mansion, Sheree talks to her mother, Thelma. She doesn’t want to sue her ex-husband for child support! God, she’s still rattling on about that? Just do it, Sheree! Luckily, Thelma patiently tells her, duh, I sued your father for child support, don’t be a sucker. Thelma is a wise, wise woman. She must have dropped Sheree on her head when she was a child or something, because the wise thing does not seem to have carried on to the next generation, at least when it comes to money. 
NeNe and Cynthia arrive in New York. NeNe thinks their room is small. She thinks bugs are crawling on the cheese. NeNe is, bluntly, a pain in the ass. Eventually NeNe stops complaining, as she has to go to meet with her “business partner” John, who apparently wants to get it on with her. NeNe rolls her eyes. Men are just ALL over her. She’s SO irritated by that. Yeah, right, NeNe. Cynthia, however, actually does have men crawling all over her because, hello, she’s a model. Cynthia just happens to mention that Russell proposed to her. I can tell NeNe is resisting the urge to slap Cynthia, not because she’s prettier than she is (which she is), but because, hello, Cynthia could have married a much better troll. 
Back at home, Phaedra shows up at court. Her client, Dave, is late. He had excessive window tint on his car and weed inside it. This isn’t usually a big deal, but because he has a prior conviction, the judge is going to… give him a second chance, because Phaedra is his lawyer. Phaedra is a tough chick. Plus, she accepts an all-cash payment from Dave, which he gives to her out of the passenger side of his car. I am not going to speculate on how Dave makes his money. 
Finally, Cynthia visits Russell, who is busy signing copies of his latest book. Cynthia loved dating Russell, and the fact that he can’t give her his full attention is just a sign of his genius. Oh, Cynthia. Russell may be a Zen master these days, but he’s the most ADD Zen master I’ve ever seen. He tells her he didn’t cheat on her. She tells him he did. He sings copies of his book and jumps from topic to topic like a crow after a shiny quarter. She wants to do a model search for him. He tells her she shouldn’t lie to fat girls. She should call it a finishing school. Or the Bailey Agency School of Fashion. He gave her a jewel! So she doesn’t have to throw out all the chubby girls that way! Wow, Russell really is a troll, inside and out! He tells her he’d ask her out if she were single. He’s insecure and he likes pretty women. Russell does not shut up, but he gives her five minutes of his valuable, incredibly fractured attention, and she is grateful.
Kim arrives at the hospital, and she is worried. Last pregnancy her epidural didn’t take, so it was like driving a Mack truck through her hoo-ha. Her words, not mine. She wants a diet lemonade, but Kroy won’t let her. It’s not a clear liquid! Oh, Kroy, it’s clear enough. She’s about to squeeze your kid out through that aforementioned hoo-ha, give Tubby what she wants. 
Joyce, Kandi’s mom, shows up at Kandi’s place. Kandi is going to take a photo of her for a dating website, which entails getting Joyce into a girdle, slapping on gobs of make-up, and taking pictures of her splayed all over a red car. Joyce thinks she looks like a drag queen. I was thinking she looked like a very, very old hooker, but that might be what works on a dating website for old people, who knows?
Sheree comes home to discover her ex-husband Bob is petitioning for a modification of child support. That’s what you get for dawdling, Sheree! He gets in the first shot! She calls her mom, and Thelma tells her to suck it up and get prepared to fight, because her ex is setting a rotten example for their kids. Sheree needs to consult with Thelma a lot more often, because Thelma is no dumb bunny. 
NeNe goes on her dinner meeting with John. John says she’s amazing, then he orders dinner for her, because a real man knows what his woman wants.
Let me repeat that. They’ve been at the table for five minutes, and he tells her he’s ordering dinner for her, because a real man knows what HIS woman wants. NeNe, if you’re not into this guy, time to say something. Loudly. Now.
But no, NeNe being NeNe, she’s loving the attention, even if John is acting like a mental patient with delusions of urban. He calls her girl, then imitates her “mm-hmm,” which he thinks is cute but is actually disturbing. He gives her a gift box from Tiffany. NeNe is worried — but it’s just a pen. A pen to sign their first business deal! This is all very confusing. He wants to be in business with her, but it also seems like he wants to have sex with her, and this seems like a very, very bad blurring of boundaries. 
Just in case the pen wasn’t romantic enough (it wasn’t), he gets her some Christian Louboutins. Because what goes better on a first date than crazy expensive shoes? Next, he has a guy from Naples sing for NeNe. Of course, he’s singing in Italian, so she has no idea whether it’s a love song or a song about how much John loves business, but hey, John seems happy. John tells NeNe this guy once sang for the Pope, but said he’d never sing again when his nephew died in a car crash nine years ago. But he wanted to do John a favor. Um, okay. What the hell is this evening? A date? A really, really weird business meeting? The beginning of compulsive stalking? John’s idea of good TV? This is all kinds of crazy. NeNe can’t believe this guy, but she likes him. Of course she does! He’s almost as crazy as she is!
Also in New York, Cynthia meets with Kithe, her best friend and stylist. He’s lost 82 pounds. But who cares about his improved health and newly svelte figure! Let’s gossip! How does hanging out with a bunch of housewives compare with hanging out in the Hamptons? It takes about two minutes for Cynthia to start bagging on her new pals in Atlanta, who are (in her estimation) label obsessed backwater hicks. But why stop there? Kithe, being a pretty damn insightful guy, wants to know why Cynthia isn’t waking up happy every day since she got married. He doesn’t want her to go through the motions of her marriage. Zing! I think Kithe is a very, very wise man.
And look! Kithe hit the bulls-eye! Cynthia cries a little. She’s constantly doing damage control, i.e. she’s constantly putting up with Peter’s bull. But she believes in Peter! She thinks they’re going to be okay! Uh-huh. Then she lets it slip that it’s only when she comes to New York that she feels like her true self. Does she regret leaving New York, Kithe asks. She does. CRAP. There it is, people. As if we didn’t already know this, Cynthia never should have walked down the aisle with Peter. Get out, Cynthia! And by the way, big gold medal for Kithe for getting her to tell the truth, which she doesn’t seem to have been willing to even tell herself. 
At the hospital, Kim’s had her epidural, so her kids and Sweetie can come in and not fear the crazy woman in the wig trying to kill them with her extremely long fingernails. Kim, as usual, complains. She thinks Kroy’s just sitting there stupidly, but even her kids can tell he’s nervous. Her daughter tells her her water breaking doesn’t hurt, because it doesn’t hurt in the movies. Wow, looks like someone got the brains in the family… oh wait, there are no brains to speak of here. The contractions start moving in, and the kids are quickly ushered out. Kim doesn’t want them to see her in pain. I think she probably doesn’t want them learning many, many new words and she doesn’t need Social Services questioning how they got horribly bruised if she gets a hold of them during a contraction. 
We hear some bleepedy-bleep-bleep, then lo and behold, Kim has a kid, KJ. Kroy thought his birth was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. I suspect there was a whole heck of a lot more bleepedy-bleep-bleep than beautiful Hallmark moment stuff, but okay Kroy, whatever you need to convince yourself to stay in this relationship. 
Kim, who feels the need to tell the world that he son is a piggy when it comes to breast feeding (TMI, Kim, TMI), wonders who would have guessed she’d be here two years ago? Well, the palm reader who predicted she’d have a boy did, but whatever. Still, Kim feels complete for the first time in her life. She should feel complete. She’s wearing her wig, isn’t she?
Looks like the crap hits the fan for Sheree next week, and is it possible that Phaedra actually drops the ball in court? I can’t believe it. Say it ain’t so, Phaedra! 
What did you think of Kim’s birth? Do you think Cynthia’s unhappy in her marriage? Do you think NeNe and John have a chance at lasting love? Or something?

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