Ah, the ugliness of game night continues on “The Real Housewives of the ‘Maury Povich Show,'” I mean, “The Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls.” Truly, as nasty as things have gotten among the wives in the past, Brandi’s addition to the fold has somehow pushed the show dangerously close to chair-tossing territory. While this is undoubtedly dramatic, it’s also a bit unnerving, like watching beauty queens rip out one another’s extensions while using their stilettos to poke holes in their rivals’ Spanx. Hopefully someone will brush her extremely long and probably fake hair out of her eyes and apologize before someone loses an eye.
Picking up where we left off — Kyle is telling Brandi that it was disgusting for her kid to hop out of the pool, yank out his wiener and whiz on Adrienne’s grass. Brandi says he’s just a kid! What did she expect her to do, run over and catch his pee in her hand? Ew, no. Kyle then makes a fairly brilliant points — she doesn’t blame the little boy, as kids don’t know any better. But mothers do. Brandi blinks like an animatronic mannequin that’s short-circuited. Score one for Kyle.
Unfortunately, Brandi isn’t one to back down from a fight. So, she goes to her fallback position — your sister’s on CRACK! Kyle, her buttons pushed, stands up and starts jabbing a finger in Brandi’s direction. Kim stands up and starts jabbing a finger in Brandi’s direction. Brandi shoves Kim. Cat fight! But wait! It’s time for Taylor to come to the rescue! I’m amazed Taylor can actually stand up without passing out, so this is quite an accomplishment.
Taylor will NOT let anyone hurt anyone else in this house! There will be no touching! No touching, ladies! The only hurting, apparently, goes on at Taylor’s house, though we’re not supposed to remember that, as it is pretty depressing. Anyway, the women all step back and content themselves with hurling insults instead of punches. Kim tells Brandi she’s a slut pig. I’m sure Brandi is now starting to regret having ever accused the ladies of thinking she’s a super slut, as they’ve clearly picked up on the phrase and given it their own unique twists. You’re a slut pig! No, a slut cow! Maybe a slut chicken! What else do they have on farms? No, wait, a slut duck!
Brandi finally decides it might be a good time to leave. She could have left earlier, but she wanted to be the bigger person. I’m not sure how sticking around and shrieking that another guest is a crystal meth user while telling another to stop talking about your effing kids is being the bigger person, but okay. She is about a foot taller than everyone else, so maybe she meant that literally.
Meanwhile, Dana Trashy McFlashypants is trying to bond with Kyle and Kim. She wants all of them to go on a healthy vacation with her. We’re together forever! Kyle looks at Dana like she may, in fact, be stupid. Trashy’s desperation to bond with the other housewives is so transparent she might as well have it bedazzled on her bikini line so she can whip off her Valentino shorts for everyone to read it.
Eventually everyone goes home, after the other wives all agree that Brandi was out of line and even Trashy suggests to Brandi as she hobbles out the door that she should cozy up to the idea of apologizing to Kyle (Trashy? Not your place to make that suggestion). I’m hoping this means no more parties at Trashy’s house, as I think she’s a truly terrible hostess. Brandi may have been out of line, but I think it’s far worse for Trashy to verbally kick her in the butt on the way out for not playing nice with her new favorite people.
The next day, it’s time to discuss Game Night! Ad nauseum! With EVERYONE! Adrienne goes to Lisa’s house, where Kyle is eagerly recounting her version of what happened. Of course, she has to mention that, in playing the celebrity guessing game, Brandi thought Winston Churchill was a famous black man. Lisa’s sorry she missed game night, but suspects she would have felt like she was drowning in bimbo soup. I can’t say she’s exactly wrong, unfortunately.
Kyle can’t believe Brandi accused Kim of doing crystal meth! She doesn’t know what crystal meth is! Is that what you put in a hybrid car? Kyle, a few days ago you thought the c-word (and not that c-word, the one for a man’s unmentionables) was the foulest thing that could come out of a proper lady’s mouth, but during game night you were dropping F-bombs like a David Mamet play. Get over yourself.
Adrienne, who is this season’s exhausted voice of reason, jumps in to say she’d talked to Brandi, and she thinks maybe Kyle and Brandi need to talk. Lisa, though, has taken Kyle’s side, as she thinks anything she said was justified after the crystal meth comment. Apparently Lisa knows full well that crystal meth is not what you put in a hybrid car.
Taylor meets Brandi for “lunch” (Brandi orders a salad and fries, Taylor gets a whole milk latte to prevent her bones from crumbling to dust before the hours is up). Taylor tries to explain that Kim was on anti-anxiety meds, and maybe that’s why she was acting so oddly. Brandi isn’t buying this, as she wasn’t born yesterday. She was a model! In Europe! She KNOWS her junkie behavior! Taylor suggests Brandi should be open to apologizing. Brandi is not open to apologizing. Actually, I’m surprised Taylor doesn’t melt into a puddle of skin and teeth just from the death glare Brandi sends at her for making that suggestion. Taylor then suggests that Brandi needs to talk to Kyle. I don’t think this is happening, either.
Kim and Kyle go to Palm Desert with all of their kids. Kim seems sober, but I can’t rule out the idea that she’s just plain nutty, as she reveals she’d been using room freshener as breath spray. For a week. Because she didn’t realize it wasn’t Binaca, even though her breath smelled like, I’m guessing, furniture.
Mauricio arrives at the house, and he can feel the sisterly tension in the air. Yes, Kim still feels that Mauricio and Kyle stole her mother’s house from her. In short, Kim borrowed $20,000 from the value of the house, and later tried to pay Mauricio and Kyle back — but they refused to let her buy back into the house. Kim did not sell her share for twenty grand! Well, I don’t think she understands that she won’t get the rest of her share unless the other owners sell the house, but whatever. Kim feels that she was ROBBED!
Kevin Lee comes over to give Lisa an idea of what a Beverly Hills wedding can be. Which is, apparently, ridiculous. Lisa wants Pandora to marry in a church. Kevin loves everything! One-hundred seventy-five is too small! He can’t do down-to-earth at this house! Pandora wants a dress with pink in it. Kevin thinks that’s tacky. And the budget? Kevin suggests one million bucks. Lisa was thinking $150,000. But still, Lisa is going to go with Kevin. After so many red flags? Ugh.
Kim and Kyle go to lunch. Kim feels controlled by Kyle. Kyle thinks Kim made a huge mistake by moving away from her. Kim needs independence. I’m starting to understand why Kim feels that Kyle treats her like a child. Then again, Kim usually acts like a child, so I’m not sure that’s unwarranted.
At her palatial estate inside her enormous closet which is bigger than some one bedroom apartments, Camille can’t pick out a pair of sunglasses to go with her dress. Oh, Camille. But she wants to look pretty for a good cause – Camille is hosting a charity event for the John Wayne Cancer Institute’s research for breast and prostate cancer. Her mom survived stage 3 ovarian cancer and is now battling breast cancer, so Camille is all about fighting the cancer.
I’m not sure who was invited to his little luncheon, but it looks like the Kentucky Derby threw up its audience of garish, hat-wearing old ladies. Kyle thought it looked like an Easter basket. I suspect Camille got roped into this, because unless she’s fond of people who smell like Poli-Dent, I don’t think anyone besides the housewives in attendance were friends of hers.
And speaking of people who aren’t friends of hers, Brandi was determined to go, as was Dana. Dana simply had to buy a real fur coat. It was for a good cause! Yes, her willingness to look like an overstuffed husky will cure a little boy with, um, prostate cancer!
Because God forbid “RHOBH” miss an opportunity for a fight, Kyle has to sit across from Brandi at the luncheon. Dana, trying to make awkward small talk, asks Kyle if she’s had a chance to chat with Brandi. Who is sitting there. Listening. Um, no.
Camille waffles her speech a bit, but thats okay. Brandi thinks Lisa and Kyle are being childish because they’re giggling and gossiping and THEY’RE NOT INCLUDING HER! They’re so mean, those ladies having a good time and stuff! They’re probably on METH!
When Brandi pointedly talks to Adrienne about how children should be OFF-LIMITS and no one should ever criticize HER CHILDREN, Lisa thinks Kyle should say something. Kyle feels she’s said all she has to say. Lisa considers starting a discussion about Winston Churchill, but chickens out. Darn!
Adrienne, who has become more of a plot device than an actual part of the show, goes for a walk with Kim. Kim hates that Brandi brought her down to her level, especially given all the work she’s done on herself in the last year. Kim will not be giving Brandi a second chance. Apparently forgiveness was not part of Kim’s personal work project this year. Adrienne decides to hop off the let’s-be-nice-to-Brandi welcome wagon she’s been on, seeing the wheels have fallen off and it’s not going anywhere. She asks Kim if she and Kyle are doing better. Kim can never forget the night in the limo. But sometimes she still loves her sister. Adrienne is glad it’s moving in a positive direction! Oh, Adrienne. You want so badly for all your friends to stop acting like children and play nice with one another, but really, it’s like wrestling fish or having a kitten race. You can’t win. Just sit back, grab a nonfat latte, and enjoy the show.
Do you think Brandi should apologize to Kyle or vice versa? Do you think Kim’s anger toward Kyle is justified? And do you think Lisa should have started a conversation about Winston Churchill, just for kicks?