Ah, it’s time for a new episode of “Housewives,” and given last week’s episode, we have two wives set to meltdown and a bitchy diva waiting in the wings. While the last few weeks have been a bit sketchy (and the death of Russell Armstrong still hangs over the show like a bitter, controlling ghost), let’s hope we can return to what “RHOBH” does best — people with too much money fighting about nothing in particular.
As we ended the show last week, Adrienne and Paul wait for Kim in a private jet. And wait. And wait. Finally, she shows up with some cockamamie story about power outages taking down the whole block (except, apparently, her neighbor’s house, because she asked them if she could get dressed at their place — and I’m hoping they told the crazy, naked neighbor lady to hit the road). Adrienne and Paul nod a lot. And that’s all they can do, because Kim wants to talk. And talk. And talk. Kim is like a drunk, mildly insane parrot. Adrienne does not think Kim understands how much she is stressing her out. I’d like to know why Adrienne is bothering to take Kim anywhere.
Kyle is freaking out that no one has RSVPed for her children’s cancer fundraiser. But Lisa is donating dinner for four and she’s coming, so we can count on some Housewife drama, I suppose.
Back to Adrienne. She’s freaked out about moving the team. Kim can TOTALLY relate, because she doesn’t like new restaurants. Paul looks at her like she’s simple-minded. I’m with Paul on this one. Kim is trying so hard to be entertaining company, but when you’re wasted, your idea of entertaining is really not that much fun for anyone else.
Lisa is still all fired up to expand Sur. This storyline is a bit boring, like watching an HGTV design show on the fine art of paint drying. Lisa lets her business partner Guillermo know he’s going to be working like a dog and she isn’t. Guillermo’s kid kisses her and slimes her with something gooey, which seems like early payback, if you ask me.
Taylor visits Kyle. Taylor has found an article on a gossip Web site about her marriage. She is VERY upset. Because it’s personal stuff! That’s ultimately going to end up on TV! Taylor’s staff have all signed confidentiality agreements, so she suspects her friends. Kyle’s staff has not signed confidentiality agreements, because she doesn’t have staff. Except for a housekeeper. Who probably doesn’t care, because Kyle’s house always looks like a mess so I suspect she’s only there for an hour once a week. Anyway, Russell is FURIOUS. Taylor suspects Lisa. Kyle suggests Taylor contact publicist Elliot Mintz to get tips on finding out who the rat is. I was hoping she’d suggest a private investigator or some guy who busts kneecaps to get information, but okay.
Fans in Sacramento are picketing and yelling. Adrienne is stressed out. Kim is SO stressed out! Because Kim is always stressed out! She can’t even go to new restaurants!
Adrienne wants to watch the game. Kim wants to talk about some woman in hot pink Louis Vuitton. Paul wants to smack Kim. Kim does not seem to understand that if someone actually owns a sports team, they probably want to watch said sports team. Anyway, Adrienne wants to connect with the fans on the floor. I think she just wants to get away from Kim and her incessant yakking. Finally, Paul, Adrienne and Kim decide to take their lives in their own hands and wander around the stadium. It’s SO scary! People say mean things and do not throw drinks at them! But it’s all okay in the end. The mascot hugs Adrienne. She signs a basketball. Women want to have their picture taken with her. I think this has more to do with “Real Housewives” than the Kings, but okay.
Camille wants wetsuits for herself and her kids and paddleboards to use in Hawaii. Oh, she’s no longer friends with Carl, since he knew about Kelsey’s girlfriend and didn’t say anything. And this is our not very interesting, somewhat disjointed Moment with Camille.
Kyle is still trying to move into her house and plan her charity event. Sigh. I wonder if this was an episode that was more focused on Taylor and Russell, because this episode seems really heavy with filler.
Cedric left a hole in Lisa’s life, but she’s okay. And… well, that’s it. Again, nothing much happening in this episode.
Kyle wants flowers for her charity event! It’s too late for flowers! No one is coming to her event! But Lisa and Ken show up, so that’s two people. Kyle needs to start drinking, I think, unless that effects her the way it effects Kim. Lisa has directed Ken not to say anything about therapy to anyone. Faye Resnick shows up. Now she’s just listed as Kyle’s friend, while last week she was her interior designer. Faye Resnick, jack of all trades!
Skeletor, I mean Taylor in a dress that proves she hasn’t eaten a solid meal in far too long. Lisa tells Taylor she’s lost too much weight. Taylor thinks this means she is the gossip site spy. Or maybe she’s just concerned that Taylor looks like she might crumble into dust by the end of the evening. Honestly, Taylor wouldn’t recognize an act of kindness if it walked up to her wearing a sandwich board screaming I’M JUST BEING NICE TO YOU, DUMMY!
Mauricio was born with neutropenia, a cancerous blood disease which is usually fatal. He spent the first six years of his life in hospitals, so he wants to help the children. The event raised $15,000. This is apparently a good amount of money according to Kyle, but come on, that’s probably what they spent on the open bar.
Lisa corners Taylor and tells her she’s lost ten pounds in the last two weeks. Taylor insists she’s eating! Taylor doesn’t think Lisa’s being nice to her by pointing out she looks like death in a cocktail dress! Lisa admits she’s not a huge fan of Taylor’s, but she wants to help. Taylor thinks she’s horrible to offer to help her. Taylor loves a guy who hits her, but LISA is a villain. Um, okay.
People dance and drink. And a tall woman named Brandi appears. She’s a friend of Adrienne’s and Adrienne thinks, since she just went through a divorce, she needs to have some fun. So, toss her into the viper pit! Lisa has seem pictures of Brandi hanging out with Cedric. Uh-oh. What else do we know about this tall woman wearing a leg cast? Brandi was married to the number one douchebag of all time (her words, not mine), Eddie Cibrian. He left her for LeAnn Rimes.
Lisa finds out Brandi modeled with Cedric 15 years ago — but they’ve reconnected on Facebook. Lisa’s hackles are up, so everyone immediately picks Team Lisa. Kyle keeps calling Paul her little Buttercup as she tells him he’s an idiot for thinking Brandi hasn’t seen Cedric in 15 years. Kyle has a very unpleasant tendency to treat men like small, mentally-challenged children when she doesn’t agree with them, and it is not one of her more appealing traits.
Elliot Mintz shows up at the party, and he advises Taylor to go to the head of the rattlesnake, basically, by asking all of the Housewives if they repeated anything personal about her to anyone else. Taylor doesn’t know what he means. I think Taylor needs a snack, because she’s having problem with simple instructions.
Brandi thinks Lisa needs to get over the whole Cedric connection. Meanwhile, Team Lisa is saying nasty things about Brandi behind her back. What an idiot for wearing a high heel with a cast! And she’s wearing the cast because she fell off her high heels in the first place! She should be wearing Birkenstocks, because we’d make fun of those, too! Brandi is not unaware of this unpleasant, junior high bitchiness. I see a catfight coming! But not tonight, because that was the end of a fairly disappointing episode. I have to assume this is due to last minute editing, but if not, this is shaping up to be a dull season — yes, part of the appeal of “Real Housewives” is watching very wealthy people swan around Beverly Hills doing the things rich people do, but I don’t need to be reminded that their lives are just as much fun as watching old ladies labor over which cheese they’d like at Trader Joe’s. Saving the real drama for the last few minutes of the show may hook us in, but after a certain point I may have to tune out by the first commercial break.
Do you think the wives unfairly ganged up on Brandi? Do you care about the Sur expansion? And why do you think Lisa still cares about Cedric so much?