Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘Leis and Lies in Lanai’

Last week being the White Party Uninvitation Debacle on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” we obviously have a few loose ends to tie up before we can indulge in the carefree Hawaiian vacation to which Taylor and Russell can also consider themselves uninvited. Really, I think everyone is probably a bit relieved that Russell started tossing around the lawsuit threats that made him and Taylor persona non grata, because no one wanted that big ol’ buzzkill trying to make awkward small talk with them or, worse, taking off his shirt on the beach and scaring off the dolphins. 

Lucky us, we get to ride along with Taylor and Russell in the limo ride away from the white party. Russell suggests that they head back to Vegas with a forced enthusiasm that makes Taylor purse her enormous lips in such a way that they look like a belching sea cucumber. Russell tells her that Camille should have called him to discuss his e-mail, which would have resolved everything so easily! Taylor thinks maybe he shouldn’t have sent an e-mail in which he threatened to sue her. Russell counters that Camille shouldn’t have lied. She told an out-and-out lie, he says, hoping the camera man is shooting a close-up to see how sincere he is! In a voice over we hear Taylor tell us that, while she thinks Camille exaggerated (thought I don’t think she did), she didn’t lie. She doesn’t tell Russell that, however, because he’d probably slug her. 

Back at the party, Kyle sniffles and eats a Fatburger and finally does what she does best — shows off her moves on the dance floor. Adrienne seems angry with Taylor, while Lisa (having just become BFFs with the girl), tries to make weak, peeping sounds in her defense. Dana takes the opportunity to let everyone know that she stands by her women, and if her girl says she’s getting beat, that means she’s getting beat! Because she’s a true and loyal friend! Who is really, really desperate to be accepted by the housewives! Please, please, be my friend! I’ll beat people up for you and everything!

Lisa fills in Kim on Taylor being kicked out, which thrills Kim to no end. Hey, someone else is the problem and not her! Whoot! Oh, Kim, you’re such an empathetic little buttercup. 

To celebrate this unexpected turn of events, Kim and Ken hit the dance floor and slobber all over one another. Kyle watches in horror, but Kyle thinks she’s simply jealous that she and Ken are VERY VERY HAPPY and dominating the dance floor! Yes, Kim, everyone wishes they could date a guy who looks like he breaks kneecaps for a living. You’re a lucky duck. 

After the party, it’s time for more fun! The gang gets packed for Hawaii. Sadly, Lisa informs Ken (her Ken — can’t Kim call hers by a nickname? You know, like Johnny Rickets or Bonebreak Tony or whatever?) that Giggy can’t go to Hawaii. I’m not sure why not, but probably because he’d have to be put into a dog carrier, and we all know full well that Giggy is not a dog but a tiny human who wears baby clothes and sleeps a lot. Ken is very sad, as Giggy is already dressed in his little Hawaiian shirt, ready to go. I’d argue that Giggy doesn’t know where he is or what a Hawaiian shirt is, but why shatter Ken’s illusion? 

Lisa’s a little upset that Brandi will be joining them on the trip to Hawaii, as she has been palsy with Cedric. Oh, and Cedric? Ken ran into him and Cedric informed him he’s become a life coach for a famous interior designer. Which probably means he’s hanging around the restaurant at Ikea to give people advice in exchange for their leftover meatballs. 

But, back to the other Ken, aka Bonebreak Tony. I just like that so I’m sticking with it. Anyway, Kim is coming and guess who she’s bringing? Yup, Bonebreak Tony. That is, if they can both get it together to get on a plane. Kyle calls her from the airport and learns that Kim can’t find her passport, which she needs because he driver’s license is expired. Brandi has her fingers crossed that Kim just doesn’t show up at all, and that seems entirely possible. Everyone sighs, as they’re used to Kim being the flakiest corn flake in the bowl, but Kyle seems DEEPLY HURT and HORRIBLY SURPRISED that this has happened. Again. Really? 

Having recovered from her white party uninvitation, Taylor goes to se Dr. Sophy. He doesn’t understand why Russell didn’t apologize after they got kicked out, as it was his actions which had damaged her relationships with the other housewives. Taylor doesn’t know, but she has learned something since the party — she read the e-mail he sent Camille and was mortified. It was just as nasty and threatening as Adrienne had implied, apparently, and and she was furious with Russell for his lack of self-control. Dr. Sophy tells Taylor she needs to understand her friends’ frustration. Oh, she does. Dr. Sophy asks if she wants to do crisis management for the rest of her life just to keep a man. I would also point out a pretty scary, dorky looking man at that, but Dr. Sophy has to keep things professional, I supposed. Still, he points out that it’s time for a tough decision. Man, it’s BEEN time. 

While Taylor is making fish lips at Dr. Sophy as she ponders a Russell-free future, everyone else is on their way to Hawaii. Lots of leis, lots of drinks, lots of Kyle pouting. She wishes Taylor could be there, and what’s with her wacky sister? She calls Kim again and we learn Kim will definitely be on a later flight. The same flight Paul will be taking. Lucky Paul!

Camille drinks something called 16 ounces of freedom, though she informs everyone that she would like eight inches of freedom. I think Camille has either been single too long, was married to Kelsey Grammer too long, or both. 

Kyle, who can’t just relax and have a good time when she can worry about Kim, talks about her frustrations with Lisa. Lisa suggests that Kim seems happy now that she’s with Ken. Kyle scowls. She knows her sister, and she’s not happy! Dammit! 

Brandi is apparently a nervous flyer. In fact, she used to Roofie herself, but now that’s illegal. Still, Xanax and alcohol renders you unfit to drive, walk or keep your mouth shut, and that’s good enough for her. I have to wonder how many little magic pills she took, because even after they land, clean up, change clothes and get together for drinks, she’s still talking about how she probably needs to be scraped off the ceiling. Plus, she starts pawing at Lisa’s Ken, which makes me think she’s REALLY wasted. 

Still, wasted Brandi is plenty of fun, as she seems to offend Lisa’s sensibilities, plus she says Bonebreak Tony looks like a gay bull mastiff. Which is, to Brandi’s credit, a pretty dead on description. Still, Kyle thinks that’s so rude! Only she can insult Bonebreak! 

The next day, Paul arrives at the hotel as planned. He hopes to make some sweet, sweet romance with Adrienne. She just misses the kids. She’s lonely. Yes, Adrienne knows how to make her man feel important! Realizing he’ll have to make some sweet, sweet romance to a dolphin if he wants to get lucky in Hawaii, Paul changes the subject. He thinks Kim missed the flight to Lanai. Of course she did!

It’s time for a relaxing day by the pool, which means Camille and Brandi shimmy into bikinis and ask pool boys to spray them with water. Lisa and Ken join them, and Lisa, who wears a demure cover-up, is completely grossed out by Brandi’s teensy butt floss bikini. I’m grossed out by the fact she looks like a very pale Ethiopian refugee whose starvation level has started to eat away at muscles and internal organs, but okay. Ken is taken with the bikini. Lisa is not thrilled with Ken, and I can’t blame her. 

Finally, everyone goes down to the beach, where Kyle is fuming about Kim and Mauricio is trying to have a happy damn birthday. Boy, he must be thrilled that his entire celebration is centered around his sister-in-law and her inability to get anywhere on time ever! 

To make things more exciting, Taylor calls to announce her marriage is over. Russell is moving out over the weekend. They’re going to break up in a “nice” way and try to be the best co-parents they can be. Which, I guess, means Russell will try not to beat Taylor but will let his lawyers do the dirty work for him. Kyle assures her she’s better off. Lisa tells her not to fight, which is a nice way of saying “piss him off now and he might kill you.” Taylor isn’t fighting. She feels so at peace! 

Lisa feels relieved for Taylor, but she feels guilty sitting on a beach. I think Lisa should just be happy she’s not in the middle of someone else’s drama for once. Kyle hopes Taylor left for good, though she says this in such a way I get the impression she doesn’t really believe it. Unfortunately, we know how this story ends, so let’s just say we all know this separation is pretty damn permanent. 

Next week, we get to see beautiful scenery in Lanai and Kyle and Kim shrieking at one another. Happy birthday, Mauricio!

Why do you think Kim is always late? Were you surprised by Taylor’s decision to leave Russell? What did you think of Brandi’s behavior?