It’s part two of our reunion show, and things are finally getting REALLY nasty, as Brandi’s joined the gang and, well, if anyone’s going to get into some verbal fisticuffs, it’s going to be the chick that slit Eddie Cibrian’s tires and texted that Kyle was a C-U-Next Tuesday to a friend of hers (and accidentally sent said text to Kyle herself). But more on that in a moment. But seriously, I wish I’d realized how much fun Brandi is a lot earlier in the season!
We kick things off with Brandi still sitting in the hot seat. Andy asks her very challenging questions, like whether it was harder to gimp around on a broken ankle or get along with the girls. Duh. Ankles heal, Andy, but old wounds last FOREVER in Beverly Hills. Brandi admits getting along with the girls isn’t easy, which is about the only understatement Brandi will be making for the next hour. But in case Brandi has managed to let some of the prime insults by the mean girls recede into a fog of alcohol and Xanax, Bravo has helpfully cobbled together a greatest hits. Remember when Kim called her a slut pig? Oh, those were the days!
Brandi’s position on the couch next to Camille and Lisa is, it turns out, pretty calculated, as Camille and Lisa kind of like Brandi and it seems all the other girls would like to put her face against a hot oven burner. Camille thinks Brandi’s a riot. Car wreck, riot, tomato, tomahto! Brandi embraces her slut status, even though she’s not a slut, because that implies she’s having tons of sex, which she’d really like to do. That Brandi!
But Brandi is just not fired up enough at this point for Andy’s liking, so it’s time to find a way to get the girls fighting. Everyone was SO mean to Brandi at the beginning! In fact, a lot of viewers thought Kyle was a mean girl — and even, yes, Kyle admits she was. Andy, not liking this evolved direction in which the reunion is heading, keeps picking. Game night? Anyone remember GAME NIGHT? Brandi feels badly about losing her temper, BUT she’s not apologizing, since she wasn’t wrong about Kim being on something. Errrr, wrong answer! Andy bounces up and down in his seat. Yay, fight!
It quickly gets into nitpicking between Brandi and Kyle. Brandi didn’t get apologies when she expected them. Kyle thinks Brandi was wrong to imply Kim was on crystal meth (no, no, she’s a sloppy, slurry DRUNK. Totally different). But Brandi threatened to kill Kyle! But Brandi was being bullied! Kim stole Brandi’s crutches! Kyle didn’t know where they were! But she could have informed Brandi that Kim did it! Kyle eventually sighs deeply under the heavy weight of her own moral superiority and tells Brandi to drop it, as this is the PAST. And she’s, like, trying to seem less like the total bitch she’s appeared to be for most of the season. Brandi silently fumes, because now it’s time for a silly segment! Hold the fighting, girls!
Andy announces who swore the least this season — Camille and Adrienne! Brandi, of course, had to be bleeped the most. Wow, this is not interesting. Because the girls are BLEEPED, Andy. Half the time we can’t figure out what they’re saying. And by the way? Still a lot less cursing than any given episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”
Andy asks each girl to reveal her favorite curse word. The F-bomb and the S-bomb are favorites, though Lisa goes with “bloody hell,” which is so very British of her. Camille’s? Poopy stink. But she did say ass! And the S-word! Kyle feels so naughty, so trashy! I am so tired of these women right at this moment.
Andy, apparently thinking Brandi and Kyle need a breather, starts in on Giggy drinking out of Adrienne’s fine crystal. Lisa points out Ken was the one who let the dog do that. Adrienne suggests she drag Jackpot over to Lisa’s house to drink out of HER champagne glasses! Lisa blinks and says, um, duh, that’s fine. Adrienne sneers, “Right, right,” which gets a disgusted look from Lisa. Why are these two fighting? Is this still about the stupid bachelorette party?
Time to play sexy vs. slutty! First contestant, Brandi! What’s slutty? Labia! Brandi shrugs and the other women shriek and act like they’ve never taken 7th grade biology before. That BRANDI! She’s NOT CLASSY! Not like THEY are!
Next, we have a heartwarming moment. Well, as heartwarming as we can get on this show. It’s the story of how Lisa and Taylor become BFFs. Which, somehow, becomes all about how everyone talks about Lisa behind her back. Brandi comes to Lisa’s defense and points out that Lisa never talks smack about the other girls. Oh, but someone talked smack about her — Adrienne. Adrienne is momentarily rendered silent by, oops, the truth about her backbiting way. As much as Adrienne wanted to be the good girl this season, she’s pretty much blowing it right now.
Adrienne accuses Lisa of only being friends with Brandi to get her “on her side.” Adrienne seems to think Lisa is the mastermind of a cruel, mean girl conspiracy, which I really don’t understand, but Lisa basically tells Adrienne she’s full of crap and, by not looking like a total idiot, wins the battle.
Andy asks if anyone feels that Taylor threw them under the Lisa bus during the tea party, which is about the weirdest one-sentence explanation of what happened during that event that I can imagine, but everyone seems to understand Andy’s cryptic silly speak. Yes, Camille feels Taylor threw her under the Lisa bus! Kyle says she felt it was Lisa and Taylor’s fight and she didn’t want to get into the middle. It’s been a hard year for her! She’s had her sister to deal with! Oh, come on, Kyle! When do you ever back down from a good fight?
Brandi and Taylor certainly don’t step down from a chance to launch into one another. Brandi admits that she told Lisa unkind things about Taylor once, and Lisa jumped to Taylor’s defense — and cameras weren’t even rolling! Taylor, instead of fixating on the point of the story (Lisa loves her now!), focuses on the negative. What WAS that unkind thing, Brandi! Brandi admits that Russell claimed that Taylor now only knew the contents of that nasty e-mail to Camille, she pushed him to send it. Taylor harrumphs and says you can’t believe the dead guy. I mean, Eddie Cibrian says Brandi slit his tires! How crazy is that! Actually, Brandi says, totally true. Taylor is APPALLED! I think Brandi is all kinds of awesome right now.
Then, Brandi delivers a low blow — so, Taylor, when’s that book of yours coming out? That took a hot minute, right? This is Taylor’s cue to lose her friggin’ mind. She was saving LIVES with her book of cheap, pop psychology and retread information about spousal abuse! If she waited to publish it, people would DIE! Because no one has EVER WRITTEN ABOUT THIS TOPIC BEFORE! Kyle calls Brandi Angry Spice, which makes me instantly wish the girls would get together and cut a single. Kyle starts to natter on about how Taylor is a SINGLE MOM now (like Brandi isn’t) and someone is DEAD, to which Brandi spits back, yeah, and maybe it would have been tactful to wait more than five minutes to publish a book about how Russell was a lunatic wife beater. Oh, Kyle and Taylor, you have taken on a much tougher opponent than you realized!
But enough of this! It’s time for another hot topic — Kyle and Kim. The reason we never saw Kim this season? Not only was she drunk as a skunk, Kim doesn’t care about the show. So why do it? Kyle thought it would be good for her. Because what does a former child star with a substance abuse problem good? A reality TV crew in their hair all the time!
This reunion episode has been remarkably low on sex (though high on violence), so time for Camille to talk about her boy toy. In short, he’s eight years younger, they’ve been together seven months, and Kelsey Grammer is a dickwad.
Interestingly enough, the idea that Camille revamped her image for season two is broached. Camille is quick to argue that this season, it’s the REAL her. Not last season, when she was a psychotic drama queen who hung out with psychics and was snobby about everything. She’s been humbled! Andy still thinks she made a calculated decision to pull back this season. Dammit, she was sane! And thus, boring! I think Camille doesn’t give a crap what Andy thinks of her. She probably thinks he’s poppy stinky.
We learn the REAL reasons why Taylor wrote a book. She was journaling throughout her therapy (MONEY) and realized girls could learn from her mistakes (MONEY) and she wanted to help people (MONEY). But yes, Russell left her in dire financial straits. But there is intrigue! His partner also committed suicide! He had an office in Rio she never knew about! Maybe it was really MURDER!
And on that note, we have to wait for next week to explore this issue further. Though, really, murder? Taylor’s next book will be a conspiracy mystery, bet on it.
Did you think Adrienne was unfairly attacking Lisa? Do you think Brandi still had a bone to pick with the other girls? And do you think Camille was calculated in how she acted this season?