Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘The Opposite of Relaxation’

I’m thinking that Bravo might need to change the name of the show, at least for a little while, to “The Endless Catfight of Brandi and Kyle” or “Kyle and Kim: Mean Ass Sistas,” as we’re now onto episode three of the nasty battle between Brandi and Kyle and Kim that fully blossomed during Game Night. As much as I love a good, old-fashioned catfight, this is getting a little ridiculous. At the very least, let’s find some new material, girls. Maybe Kyle needs to come up with some LeAnn Rimes jokes or something. 

But before we can continue our bitchfest, some humble domesticity. Lisa tries to teach Adrienne how to cook a chicken. Adrienne cannot find the cutting board in her kitchen. She insists on washing the chicken with soap, nattering on and on about salmonella poisoning. She wears latex gloves to handle the chicken. Lisa is about ready to stuff Adrienne with lemons and onions by the time they finally finish their chicken mission, and all I can think is, why does Adrienne ever have to cook anything? Isn’t that the whole advantage of being rich? If Lisa comes over and offers to show Adrienne how to vacuum or wash dishes, I think Adrienne should just pop her over the head with a dustpan. If she can find one. Or knows what one is. 

Taylor, Dana and Kyle get together for a play date, as they all have children roughly the same age. Not that this has anything to do with the kids, as it’s just an excuse for the girls to get together and bitch about anyone who isn’t in attendance. Of course, first name on the agenda? Brandi! Kyle can’t BELIEVE Brandi. She’s happily ripping into Brandi when Taylor, with her big, sad eyes, tries to play peacekeeper. She just wants to put Brandi’s terrible behavior during Game Night in perspective! Oh, Taylor. Please stop worrying about everyone else and eat something. 

Lisa visits her friend Mohamed and his much younger girlfriend Julia. He wants to throw a party for Pandora, whom he sees as a goddaughter. I’d say this is probably a good thing, as Pandora will get an elaborate engagement party with a live camel and she won’t have to have sex with a man who looks like a very tan mummy to get it. 

Adrienne wants to have a spa day at her house for the girls. She is equipped for it, as she bought a spray tanning booth, a laser machine, a hydro facial machine. She also has two manicurists. three masseuses, two anaestheticians, three waiters, and her chef Bernie on hand to make with the merry. Bernie shows her a variety of insane desserts. Again, if you can afford Bernie, there is absolutely no reason in the world to run around making your own stupid chickens.  

Kim shows up late. Kyle’s just happy she showed up. They find Adrienne’s trampoline and go nuts in the backyard, although Kyle informs us jumping up and down isn’t as much fun once you’ve had four kids and lost all bladder control. Kyle, TMI. Just… TMI.  

Brandi shows up at spa day. which instantly becomes much less relaxing. She didn’t want to, but she wanted to be a good friend to Adrienne. I’d think if you wanted to be a good friend you wouldn’t show up somewhere knowing someone is going to yell and someone is going to cry (or both) because of your presence, but okay, Brandi, you define that however you like. 

Can I just say that I love all these women getting spa treatments in full make-up. Camille gets a spray tan and, weirdly, all the other women peek in at her while she wears nothing but a Band-Aid sized thong. Um, that’s not weird at all. 

Adrienne checks in with Brandi and suggests, again, that she apologize to Kyle. She just wants everyone to get along! Adrienne, let it go. This will not end well for anyone, and your spa day is going to SUCK. 

What follows is, basically, the worst day of high school you ever tried to push to the back of your brainpan. Adrienne tries to pressure Brandi into apologizing to Kim. Brandi doesn’t want to apologize, because Kim and Kyle were mean to her, too. Brandi, forced into a corner, says she’ll talk to Kyle. Adrienne tells Kyle that Brandi wants to talk to her. Feeling pressured, Kyle says she’ll listen to what Brandi has to say. Kim’s feelings are hurt that Kyle would even listen to Brandi. At this point, I’m getting a headache and I want to tell all of the women they’re grounded, part of their punishment is doing actual charity work that does not involve writing a check, and I’m taking away their false eyelashes for two week, minimum. 

Brandi and Taylor finally meet. Brandi dances around an apology, and Kyle basically begins hammering away at Brandi again, just to make sure she cries. Which she does. Adrienne tries to jump into the middle, which only succeeds in making Brandi feel ganged up on, and finally, reluctantly, Kyle and Brandi both agree they said things that may not have been appropriate. It’s about as much of an apology as Brandi can stomach, and she decides that she’d like to just go home. 

But before she can leave, she tries to talk to Taylor. No one defends her! No one has her back! She looks at Taylor with watery eyes, practically pleading with Taylor to take her side. Instead, Taylor tells Brandi she should at least take back the crystal meth comment. Brandi, hair extensions sagging in defeat, decides to hit the road.

With Brandi gone, the girls cackle mercilessly about her, and I think the next step I’d like to take is making Kim and Kyle go to their separate rooms with no phone privileges. These two bring out the worst in one another (apart from trampoline jumping), and while that can be good TV, I’m afraid someone’s going to get ground glass in their frozen yogurt. 

It does seem that the Brandi/Kyle/Kim brouhaha will take a back seat next week, when the late, not-so-great Russell appears to talk about suing Lisa for blabbing to the tabloids. We can guess this didn’t go anywhere, but I’m surprised that we’re going to see Russell at all this season. Maybe that respect-the-dead thing has an expiration date in Beverly Hills.

Are you Team Brandi or Team Kyle? Do you think Adrienne should have kept her mouth shut? And do you think Brandi and Kim will ever kiss and make up?