Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘The Real Wedding of Beverly Hills’

Oh, yay, it’s time for Pandora’s wedding. Sorry, I just can’t get excited about a person/character I don’t care about having a ridiculously expensive wedding. It’s a bit like being dragged to the nuptials of a second cousin you never particularly liked and having to make tepid small talk with complete strangers until you can run to your car without offending anyone. I know, I know, some people love weddings, any weddings, but when the main players are exceedingly dull rich kids, it’s hard not to think that there are starving people somewhere who’d be happy to eat not only the leftovers, but possibly the flower arrangements. 

Pandy wants more diamonds on her dress! Pandy wants everything pink! Pandy wants bubblegum pink labels on all the wine bottles! Pandy wants Mommy to wear a tiara! Glad she likes everything the color of Pepto Bismol. Unfortunately, I am even less excited about Paul’s colonoscopy. At least a minute is dedicated to Paul passing gas after the procedure. Oh, I’m sorry, passing AIR. All I can say is both of these storylines make me want to sick up a bit. 

Kyle tries to pick a dress to wear for the wedding and Mauricio tries to act like he actually cares. That’s gorgeous, he says, not looking up. But oh, no! He doesn’t have a tux! Kyle is FURIOUS! But oh, he’s got a dark suit. Everything’s fine. Meanwhile, Lisa is panicking. Wedding planner Kevin Lee is out of town! And everything is going smoothly! This is a DISASTER! 

Camille’s friend Elizabeth stops by to help her pick a dress. Why can none of these women get dressed on their own? Oh, Elizabeth isn’t really there to help her pick a dress. She’s an expositional device! She asks Camille about her hot boyfriend Dimitri. Camille agrees, he’s hot. Would Camille ever consider getting married again, Elizabeth asks in a not at all awkward way. Camille says she’d have to learn to trust again before she got married to someone else. But she believes in love. I’m happy for Camille, as if even half of what she’s said about Kelsey Grammer is true, she got her teeth kicked in with this last marriage. 

Kevin Lee finally arrives. But Lisa’s worried about the heat! Kevin offers to get her a martini and tells her he’ll take care of it. Because he can CONTROL THE WEATHER! Apparently he’s both a wedding planner AND an evil genius. He’s also managed to win Lisa over, which I didn’t think was possible given her reaction to most of his chi-chi-chi, bling-bling-bling ideas earlier in the season. 

Next, we see a lot of footage of people getting ready for the wedding. This is just as uninteresting as you’d suspect. The bridesmaids wear matching dresses that look like nighties for a Pepto Bismol/Unisom commercial. Lisa insists that her son Max shave his fauxhawk. Ken works on his speech. Giggy gets into his little tuxedo. I’m sure it’s lovely that Lisa now has all this footage for her video scrapbook, but this isn’t all that interesting to watch. I mean, it’s not like viewers at home get a shot at catching the ugly Pepto Bismol bouquet.

The wedding begins, vows are exchanged, and Pandora really should have taken some time to learn how to walk in her dress. Still, everything goes off without a hitch, LaToya Jackson dances at the reception and both Lisa and Ken give surprisingly emotional speeches. Finally, the whole tiresome, extremely expensive evening is over and Pandy’s gotten every little thing Pandy wants. 

Next, we see Kyle planning a party for the girls at her house. This isn’t so much a get together as an excuse to welcome Taylor back into the fold after Russell’s suicide. Wow, we spent 3/4 of the episode on Pandy’s stupid wedding, and we’re just skating past the biggest plot point of the season? We quickly establish that Taylor’s fine, Camille’s still banging her Greek god boyfriend, and Kim blew off the whole evening. Then, Lisa shows everyone pictures from the wedding. So, we have to look at pictures of the wedding we just saw? Seriously? It was a friggin’ wedding. Everyone who went had fun, as long as they liked the color pink. Can we move on now? Oh, wait, that’s the end of the show. 

Well, that was one disappointing season finale. No major revelations, no arguments, just gobs and gobs of flowers and one spectacularly tacky mother of the bride’s dress (sorry, but that looked like something that was supposed to get stripped off during a Vegas cabaret show). I guess, given the fact that Russell’s suicide put a damper on the end of the season, everyone wanted (nay, needed) to end on an up note. The women bond, Adrienne talks about how they’ve all come together, and it’s a veritable Hallmark Channel conclusion to a season that had been anything but. Anyway, here are the updates on who’s doing what (or who):

Taylor’s publishing her memoirs.

Camille is still banging that really buff Greek guy. 

Lisa and Ken downsized to a 10,000 square foot home — and added 2,000 more.

Adrienne is celebrating her shoe line’s success.

Kim is not pregnant. Duh. And she went into rehab in December. 

Kyle wrote an advice book for women. 

In a sense, it’s nice to see everything end on an up note. I would have liked to see more from Taylor than “everything’s fine, dammit” and perhaps a more meaningful resolution between herself and Camille. Plus, I would have liked to see less of boring Pandora’s equally dull (but expensive) wedding (and I could have skipped the interminable planning as well). But hey, there’s always next season.

Were you excited to see Pandora’s wedding? Were you surprised by Kim’s no-show for the final scene? And do you think Taylor’s doing as well as she wanted everyone to believe? What are your thoughts about the season?