HitFix

While You Were Watching ‘Game Of Thrones,’ A Sharknado Fixed The Leaning Tower Of Pisa In ‘Sharknado 5’

While most of the world was enthralled with a giant dragon burning thousands of men alive on Game of Thrones, a small section of the TV-viewing population was embracing a different kind of chaos. One that was slightly damper and without any sense of direction — a sharknado. Sharknado 5 graced SyFy, and it featured a potpourri of D-list celebrity appearances and strange uses of physics. It seemed like one hell of a time.

So here’s what you missed, courtesy of the Sharknado Twitter account. We’re going to try to piece this into a coherent story together clip by clip without watching the full movie, the way it was meant to be.

The first tweet shows hallway walking, then reveals Clay Aiken, and he drinks martinis while cleaning his shoes or something.

A wall of spikes are determined to be aesthetically unpleasing:

Bungie cord references are made, then finally the action ramps up, with the Sharknado seemingly developing around Stonehenge to ruin the day of the beautiful women who were taking in the historical landmark:

Judging by the description of this tweet, a member of the Royal Family gets his leg bitten off then Bret Michaels gets hit by a double decker bus*.

Then a little kid gets sucked away by what I assume, through context clues, is the fifth sharknado. Very sad. Luckily, a crown is found and this lady in pink is relieved. It ended up being in the last place they looked!

There’s helmet talk, then a woman gets her head bitten off. Terrible. This is a travesty, this sharknado.

Tara Reid throws a helicopter. Is that her character’s name? Is she playing herself?

A figure skater uses a shark’s momentum against it in a Bruce Lee “be like water” moment. Hopefully the world begins training and mobilizing more figure skaters for when the inevitable sixth sharknado terrorizes us all.

Sled dogs are set free.

Now there’s what might be a secret society that features a single stripper. Is that the stripper or the leader of the secret society or both? I don’t know.

Tony Hawk is here to do what he can, while sharks are getting bounced off the sides of fully-loaded sedans as Pope Fabio looks on.


Possibly in the Vatican, a chainsaw is lifted triumphantly in the air, which is really the only way to lift a chainsaw.

All the main characters die?

No, they’re alive. But now they’re fighting a sentient cloud of constantly-moving sharks? Fine.

Kathie Lee shows up and she’s not being mean to Bill Nye. Al Roker steps up to the plate and defends the studio, which he’s contractually obligated to do in such a scenario.

A low-budget movie like Sharknado 5 relies on product placement, but does this guy really get coverage in wherever he is? Who is his provider? Nice quality there, a little unrealistic probably.

Matt is dead, you guys. It seems like this is the end of the movie, and some of the main characters sacrifice themselves with a giant, purple explosion that rids the world of the latest sharknado.

In the end, only #branding and Dolph Lundgren remain, just like real life.

Then they fly away like in Back to the Future for some reason. The end. We’re all better people for experiencing another Sharknado.

*Sharknado 5 did not appear on Bret Michaels’ official filmography on Wikipedia.

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