Stars Kissing Stars: Ranking the NYT’s celebrity liplock videos

As part of the New York Times Magazine's annual Great Performers issue, director Elaine Constantine got down to the important business of filming a bunch of acclaimed actors kissing each other.

“These actors, in most cases, didn't know each other,” Constantine told ET. “And I think in a way it was a good thing that they didn't know each other because I suppose the excitement of those meetings were what created the ease of getting into something so intimate.”

Also, celebrities! Don't we love looking at them? To adequately make sense of this phenomenon, I've ranked all nine star-on-star liplocks in a series of snap judgments that are totally authoritative and not open to debate.

9. Laura Dern + Steve Carell

Laura Dern is one of my favorite actresses, but I just can't stomach this one. A major pet peeve of mine is how in seemingly every movie and TV love scene the participants coyly eye each other before violently throwing themselves into a passionate kiss. Does this ever actually happen? Not to me it doesn't. And therefore it doesn't exist LALALALALALALALALALA

8. Kristen Stewart + Chadwick Boseman

I'm calling bullshit on this scenario. Chadwick Boseman's character is seemingly a famous musician, yet there are no security guards tackling Kristen Stewart's deranged concertgoer? I don't buy it! This is frightening.

7. Shailene Woodley and Jack O'Connell

A hot, sweaty dose of nothing. Also, I kind of hate Jack for leaving poor Shailene hanging.

6. Patricia Arquette and Jason Schwartzman

Again, one of those scenarios that only happens in the movies. Arquette brings a certain charm to it though, so I'm giving it a pass. Loved you in “Flirting with Disaster,” Patty.

5. Rosario Dawson + Jenny Slate

Girl on girl! Get your girl on girl here! Jenny and Rosario make a cute, playful couple, but I don't condone riding in a car without seatbelts.

4. Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Miles Teller

The year's most incredibly-named breakout actress emotes well as she subdues a man who appears to be a former lover, or something. Why is he running even? Why did he come? Does she still love him too? I am adequately enchanted by this.

3. Benedict Cumberbatch + Reese Witherspoon

This is the most blatantly romantic clip of the bunch, and I love the passion these two bring to it. Benedict seems really into this, doesn't he? And the ending. Torrid!

2. Timothy Spall and David Oyelowo

An arm wrestling match turned guy-on-guy kiss. Hot! And kinda sweet. I'm not really into Timothy Spall, but the slow buildup is surprisingly sexy.

1. Julianne Moore and John Lithgow

Curiously empty nightclub aside, this one's my absolute favorite of the bunch. I just like their chemistry, sorry! John + Julianne 4ever. That is all. The end.