Grading The 2015 Super Bowl Commercials

The 2015 Super Bowl is more than just cheese products, football and Tom Brady's smug mug. HitFix is watching all the commercials along with you, so get out your red pen: we're grading all the ads as they happen.

Follow along, we'll start the tally at kickoff, 3:30pm PST.

Fine, it's not kickoff yet, but I half-wish the pterodactyl from the “Jurassic World” trailer would sweep down and pick up Pete Carroll. “Think it will scare the kids?” asks Bryce Dallas Howard's clueless-sounding character. DO YOU THINK? More sweaty shots of Chris Pratt's half-scared, all-brutally handsome face. Grade: B

Chevy's “What if your TV went out?” commercial is the equivalent of your little brother poking your feet with a pencil and asking if its annoying. It is annoying. And the Cloverfieldian “cut-out” of my television lacks novelty. AC/DC keeps collecting “Back in Black” paychecks. Grade: D+

Speaking of paychecks, good to see Lindsey Lohan back in the driver's seat of her career destiny, in esurance commercials. Poor dear knows her reputation for being a terrible — if not intoxicated driver. We did this to you, Lohan. See you on DWTS. Grade: B-

Muhammad Ali provides the narration of Amy Purdy's athletic turn in Camry's #OneBoldChoice commercial. She flies down mountains, waltzes across dance floors, stands tall as a model, and fixes her prosthetic leg. Inspiring, adventurous, very pretty. Grade: B+

“No taxation without rep…” And thus begins TurboTax's 2015 Super Bowl offering. American revolution! Washington! Boston Tea Party! Why are we giving the Patriots this fun freebie? F for Pats support, but Grade: B+ overall.

Kate Upton continues to wow us with her acting chops in these hacky, crappy, ugly boring “Game of War” commercials. And by “wow,” I mean it's literally “Boobs: The Commercial.” Content is king, and when when you have no content, then placating your demographic will do. Grade: D

“Tomorrowland” trailer: “You wanna go?” asks George Clooney, and whenever George Clooney asks me a question, the answer is almost always yes. A look into a shiny, cartoonish alternate reality, and Hugh Laurie's amused mug. Buy me a ticket now, 'cause I'm almost certainly going. Grade: A-

Check out the “Today” show from 1994 and some vintage Bryant Gumbel and Katie Couric. They're talking about the internet then and, fast-forwarding to today, they're talking about Mercedes Benz' technology. They are bemused by both, but Couric can — since you asked — twerk. Cute. Grade B+

Minions” don't have to do much to remain beloved. The “Despicable Me” spinoff movie is getting a summer release, but this Super Bowl-specific TV spot is everything you love about the Big Game anyway: screaming indecipherables, drinking sticky drinks, licking your buddy's head and taking off your clothes. Grade: B

Danny Trejo's Machete gets that cold cash for Snickers, turning Marcia back into Marcia. And then Steve Buscemi gets his time. All aces. Grade: A

Someone who is decidedly not Danny Trejo — John F. Kennedy — is the voiceover on Carnival's cruise's commercial, with a majestic ode to the sea and its vessels. Paddleboarding is really hard. Nice shot of minimal noise through this clutter with an extra shot of nostalgia you didn't know you were supposed to have. Grade B

I'm not sure why the words “settle” and Skittles should go hand in hand (arm-in-arm?). Lemon is easily the most middling flavor of Skittle. Everyone in this universe is a righty, leaving Lefties to settle it the “unusual” way, I guess. I don't get it. And that baby looks weird. Grade: C-

This Lexus commercial came and went in such a boring manner I forgot I saw it. If you're gonna hire professional dancers, I'd rather see dancing. Grade: D

Kim Kardashian, Famous Person, makes a faux PSA for the loss of gigs of data for T-Mobile. So if you don't use their service you'll miss out on Kardashian minutiae like “my makeup… my backhand… my outfits… my vacations… and my outfits.” Makes our pathetic desires to keep up with the Kardashians seem more pathetic, especially as we're pointed to a new Kardashian-centric website at the ad's end. I totally won't go to that website. Totally. Grade: K

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. The Budweiser puppy and the Clydesdale are back in this shark-jumping reunion tail. Er, tale. Grade: C

Mindy Kaling may actually be invisible for Nationwide. This ad does not actually advertise anything, except the soothing imagery of Kaling taking a too-long gander at Matt Damon. She's our kind of girl, though, cause she eats a tub of the blue-ish flavor of sherbet, the best flavor of sherbet. Grade: B-

Nope, still not gonna see “Terminator: Genesys.” Grade: D

Nope, still not gonna see “The Night Shift.” Grade: C- for suck-face

Pouring Coca-Cola into your servers will not make the internet any nicer. Do not pour Coke into your computer. I'm not saying that Coca-Cola is actually encouraging this activity, but they get the stink-eye for barraging my electronic devices with baby memes and high-fives. I AM MY OWN MEME-KEEPER. I CONTROL MY OWN FATE. Oh, but hey, who hasn't cried at a bus stop. Grade: B

The imagination runs wild when, during the “First Ever Draft,” the sloth is described as having “off-the-field issues.” Avacados for Mexico beats Skittles for absurdity. Grade: B+

“Dig” for USA looks like Stargate. A+++++ just kidding Grade: B

“Furious 7” looks blustery and punchy, with big guns and maybe the building from “Mission Impossible 5.” Do parachutes come standard in cars nowadays? Grade: A-

What makes a man stronger? Dove Men is going after the “love yourself” demo by showing that kids can make a man. Feel better (unless you're childless, then in that case, just keep being you). Grade: B

The Doritos guy knows all your moves, when you're trying to ward away seat-mates in that Southwest pick-your-airplane-seat situation: faking sick, clipping your toenails, playing a recorder. You know, total douchemoves. To get a pretty girl to sit next to him, he flashes her a smile and some Doritos. You know what's grosser than sitting next to a guy with a communicable disease on an airplane? Sitting next to a guy who's eating Doritos. Because they smell. Especially the Cool Ranch ones. Don't douchemove: eat Doritos from the comfort of your home, not with a jerk-off on an airplane. Grade: B

Tapping into the NASCAR-loving, “Boyhood”-watching contingent comes Nissan's commercial, set to the tune of Harry Chapin's “Cat in the Cradle.” A boy watches his father race cars and get in crashes on TV, while his long-suffering mother is crying all the dang time. Keep up with the music lessons, kid, fewer chances of high-velocity accidents. Grade: B

The Nationwide commercial about preventable kid death has got me wondering: how would I affix a sail to a bathtub? I'd feel bad for giving this a bad grade, so I'll give it Grade: Hugs

If the point of the Weight Watchers commercial was to get me mad hungry for pizza and mad-mad at the Carl's Jr. cheesecake commercials again? Mission accomplished. Good “addicted” imagery, though. Grade: Hungry

I call these McDonald's commercials cry-bribe. Extortion to get me feel-good. I'd rather pour a coke in my laptop. Grade: $500,000 posted bail, minimum of 5 years in jail

Heisenberg! esurance: Bringing Breaking Bad back. Sick stuff, guys. Grade: B+

What's “dick pill” in Italian? Better yet, what's “FIAT Boner” in English? This reminds me of the car commercials where they have the “sexy” dancing hamster. Nobody really wants to see that. Grade: B

GoDaddy is talking at me. Almost like they're apologizing for their sexist commercials from yesteryear . Grade: Unforgiven

Screaming goat meme: ruined. This is why we can't have nice things, thanks Discover. Grade: C-

The Blacklist's” James Spader must have heard me talking about “Stargate” earlier. Not sure how you get much more swagger than an exploding car with James Spader saying the word “love.” Grade: B+

Did the prosthetic legs lobby organize around which commercial would have first dibs? Microsoft seems to have picked up Common for their voiceover, directly pitting him against Cassius Clay, above. Seems unfair, these emotions. Grade: B

Jeff Bridges — pretending “The Giver” never happened — is helping you sleep with a soothing “om” for Squarespace. Fine, I will go to dreamingwithjeff.com BUT I WON'T REPORT BACK, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. Grade: 1 click

An effective and harrowing commercial for nomore.org, to end domestic violence and sexual assault. We joke about ordering pizza, but this things was given a great, attention-grabbing format. Grade: A

Honda makes Hondas dance into parallel parking to the sounds of a perky travel guitar. I have perfected the 25-second bathroom break. Grade: C

“Imagine an age with the predictability of science…” K, stop there. With all the money that goes into the church of Scientology, you'd think they'd be able to come up with some visuals that could rival a Devry ad… alas. Grade: D+

Is it me or does the cabbage sauce on the cabbage taco actually look good? Like, better than the Del Taco tacos? Mexican fast food joints, lets get your meat game together. Grade: C

A buncha cars parked in a parking lot and some jerk in a BMW is trying to drive around them and then parks. I can smell the burning tires. I'm annoyed now, quit poking me. Grade: C-

“Being a dad is more than being a father. It's a commitment… one that will make a wonderful human being who will make their own choices someday.” #troops #cryingdad. Honda. Grade: B for blubbering

“Pitch Perfect 2” has David Cross in it, AND “Bootylicious?” I hope they don't give away all of Rebel Wilson's fat girl jokes before premiere. Grade: B

NBC only wishes its “Today” show hosts walked to work together. They don't even take the subway, fools. High fiving only spreads the common cold. Grade: Hi-5

“A.D.” has a very handsome Jesus and sepia tones. Uh, what else? Grade: ask me after the rapture

What does it mean to do something like a girl? #likeagirl for Always reminds you to not put-down girls, because it sucks. (What they don't mention is that it sucks to go running in maxi pads.) Grade: A-

Geico's “Push It” commercial with Salt 'N' Pepa. Still kinda funny. Grade: B+

You know who really knows a quality shoe? Pete Rose, walking down a hallway. A Hall Of Fame Joke! Ripped straight from the pages of AARP. Grade: D+

NBC's “The Voice” promo is ripping off “Mad Max” and “Real Steel,” but damn if they didn't make me realize, I'd let Christina Aguilera be my Queen Bitch any day of the week. Grade: <buzz>

LOL a girl awooga loves going “all natural” LOL for her boobsboobsboobs burgers LOL she's eating it in wolf-whistle a bikini and/or naked LOL boing-boing steam-ears Carl's Jr. Grade: F fart fart fart noise

Fact: Liam Neesons is better video game commercial talent than Kate Upton. “Clash of Clans” is probably made by the same people. I know it's more expensive to get an A-list actor to speak in your spot, but don't you see the difference? Don't you know how money works? Grade: B+

Sprint and screaming goat. Sigh. Grade: C

Lexus drifting. Yawn. Grade: C+

Common's back for Estella's Brilliant Bus and Microsoft. I'm believing in dreams, more or less. Grade: B

This Dodge commercial is worth it just to see a 100-year-old fella throw devil horns out the window of a Challenger. Slow motion performance vehicles and close-ups of old people make for a cool mix. Grade: A-

T-Mobile features Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler making calls from obscure rich-people rooms in their mansions. Or, rather, underneath their houses. Funny without mean-girling it. Grade: A

Jeep takes us through an updated and sad-ish version Pete Seeger's classic “This Land Is Your Land” as we see stunning landscapes in America and then beyond. It's to help support “the world's smallest SUV.” Not gonna touch that whole thing, but it's definitely affecting in making Jeep seem like the Whole Foods of, I dunno, Jeeps. Grade: B+

Lego Movie, keyboard cat, Don Cheadle, Penguins of Madagascar and NASA join in applauding… the NFL. Grade: OHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh

GrubHub: hitting you in the head with a burrito since whenever. Grade: B

Jack in the Box does a taste test. We like it better when Jack's stoned. Grade: B-

Please, do finish the joke: how were you going to procure sperm from Tom Brady in his sleep? I don't want to have to actually watch “Ted 2” to find out. Rated: R

I don't know what you are, Mophie, but turning the world to sh*t because God's cell phone dies is deliciously dark and sad and funny. I'd like to watch this one again. Grade: A

It looks like Loctite hired Tim & Eric to direct this amateur actor twerk-fest with fanny packs. I cannot understand what the rapper is saying and I cannot tell if that's the way it's supposed to be. Color me confused and amused. Grade: B-

“The Royals” from E! looks like “Once Upon a Time” with Eva Green. Grade: B

Bud Light's Up for Whatever campaign has run with mixed reaction all season. In this case, I will admit, playing a real-life Pac Man looks like a ton of fun. If the guy who won it looked like he was having a blast, too, that might have made this even better. Grade: A-

#OdelleLives is part of NBC's hype behind “Odyssey.” Looks depressing. Much like this fourth quarter. Grade: B

Tortoise is racing a selfie-taking hare. “Slow and steady my…” he says as he gazes at a Mercedes. Then he jumps behind the wheel and even had time to pick up the bunny's honey-bunny because we couldn't possibly have a car commercial without some bestial sex appeal and some amphibian with a driver's license. Rabbit seems like a real jerk anyway. Moral of the morality tale: nobody wins. Grade: B

I cannot believe anybody called a show “The Slap.” This is its own grade.

“Fifty Shades of Grey”: Still looks fun-free. Grade: C

“When pigs fly”… does anybody still say this? Didn't Geico do this commercial a few years ago, Doritos? Grade: Aging

Favre & Carve. THERE. Wix.com Grade: A-

“Let the real games begin,” coos the Victoria's Secret commercial. In the fourth quarter of a famous football game. How many beer-drinking, nacho-eating Americans watching this game right now are “in the mood for love?” NONE. Pro tip: bra cups make great bowls for your discarded peanut shells. Grade: 32A




This must be what it's like to be a Jets fan, internally.

Nick Offerman and NASCAR combine to tout the joys of driving “200 miles per freaking hour.” NBC pats its own back. I'm still wiping my eyes. Y'know, I mean, from the dead kid commercial. Nothing to do with the Super Bowl outcome. Nope. Grade: B