The 10 most ridiculously gratuitous parts of the ‘True Blood’ season finale

08.19.13 5 years ago

Sex and violence, sex and violence! “True Blood,” you have once again outdone yourself with gratuitous everything. There was a lot from last night’s season finale that was simply ridiculous: Bill touting his best-selling book in an interview with Lawrence O’Donnell; the line “We need croquet. And volleyball. Who’s making a Target run?”; and that character named Violet who always wears violet.

And the rest was all blood and nudity. Here are the 10 most gratuitous moments from the episode:

1. High on faerie blood, dozens of vampires in various stages of undress romp freely, reveling in their new found ability to not explode under sunlight.

2. While the aforementioned line, “We need croquet. And volleyball. Who’s making a Target run?” was spoken, our eyes were treated to an impressive thrust of cleavage.

3. Violet meets Sookie and immediately makes out with her. “She’s European,” Jason explains.

4. Warlow rapidly transforms from sweet loverboy to full-on creep, which means strangling Sookie and tying her to a tree.

5. Warlow is stabbed through the chest in what could have been an impressive Shark Week tie-in if only the timing had been right.

6. Warlow really gets the brunt of the violence in the episode. He finally meets his demise with a stake to the heart, held down by Grandpa who has triumphantly returned.

7. Eric is sunbathing in the nude! Whist reading a book! Upon a snow-capped mountain!

8. Moments later, Eric’s ability to withstand sunlight disappears as Warlow is no longer among the living. He starts to burn and we see dong! Full-frontal dong! Which, unfortunately, is not actually pictured because that would be distasteful.

9. Jason goes down on Violet, like, 750 times in a row.

10. Gross roving zombie vampires, infected with Hep V. “Walking Dead” crossover next season, perhaps?

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