‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: ‘Stars and Stripes’

Tonight’s episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” contains no fighting. I’m not joking — no fighting at all. None. I know, hard to believe. But it does include roast chicken and Suzanne Somers, so that’s something. Look, I’m really trying here, but this episode was dull as an Amish frat party. I mean, a significant part of the episode was devoted to a sixth grade graduation party. A sixth grade graduation party. I dearly hope never to attend one of these in real life, at least not without a sharp object with which to stab myself to stay awake. But let’s get to it, shall we?

Kyle and Lisa go to Yolanda, who introduces them to Suzanne Somers. She was Chrissy Snow on “Three’s Company” for everyone who isn’t old or a fan of disco-era sitcoms. Anyway, Suzanne wants to live to 110.  She’s currently 66, and feels as great as she looks! Unfortunately, I was thinking she looked like someone who spent too much time in the sun when she was younger. She also takes huge doses of vitamins every day, which appalls Lisa. “I’m not good at swallowing things. Just ask my husband,” she says. Bah-dum-dum! So, this is all we learn about Suzanne Somers. Which is fine by me. 

Meanwhile, Brandi goes to Sheila Kelly for help polishing her pole dancing, as Sheila Kelly is the person who brought pole dancing to the masses as an actual workout. Sheila Kelly loves the female body. Neck rolls are yummy and curves are beautiful and she wants Brandi to give her body over to the pole. I am sure Sheila Kelly is a wonderful teacher, but she makes the female form sound so enticing I’m afraid she’s part cannibal. Anyway, she doesn’t have to teach Brandi a thing, as it turns out she’s pretty good at this pole dancing thing. Hey, it’s good to have a skill set.

Then, we have Kyle’s daughter’s sixth grade graduation party. This is unspeakably boring, but it gives Adrienne and Paul a chance to show up, make it all about them, act wounded and go home.  

Kim couldn’t make it to Sophia’s party because she was too busy sticking pins in her eyes. Or, really, considering plastic surgery. The nice, partially blind doctor she went to refused to give her a face lift or an eye lift because she just looks that good, but he’s fine with doing her nose. I didn’t realize anything was wrong with her nose, but hey, she needs a little pick-me-up. Why not tweak something? 

There is a short montage of the women packing for Vegas, in which we learn that all of Brandi’s clothing is kinda slutty, Marisa’s mom is really weird and overly involved in her private life, and Lisa plans to wear iron knickers. 

Camille will also be joining the ladies on the way to Vegas. Yolanda, however, will be arriving late, because her husband will be coming home and she must bow before him and show her gratitude for her clear glass refrigerator. How does she do this? By roasting a chicken and making fallen soufflés. We are constantly hearing about how Yolanda loves to cook and values the importance of cooking for her family, but it really seems as if she doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing in the kitchen. 

But wait! She needs to inform us of her subservient relationship with David Foster.  “I absolutely cater to my husband’s needs and I love doing it. My husband is king in my house, and I think that’s the way it should be.” Excuse me while I gag. Oh, wait! She has tips for lesser mortals! “Sex is very important, and feeding them. Cook them a dinner every once in a while.” I am afraid Yolanda is going to get a TV show espousing how women should  grow organic lemons, cook two of everything in case you screw up one, and give your husband a little Burger King crown just for walking in the door. 

Poor Yolanda misses out on the bonding dinner with the other ladies in Las Vegas. Brandi tries to start a fight with Marisa by telling her that it’s pretty clear her husband loves her more than she loves him, but Marisa somehow manages to turn this around and make it a conversation about love and affection. Then, it’s time for Brandi to try desperately to make everyone understand why she’s so tough (read: why she screams and drops the F-bomb constantly) all the time.

Eddie was the love of her life, and the day she left him he was out frolicking with Leann Rimes! Kyle feels closer to Brandi now that she’s seen a softer side of Brandi. I’m thinking this is all stuff we already knew, but I guess Kyle didn’t hear this stuff after four mojitos before. 

Then, all the ladies bag on Leann Rimes, which is fun because Leann Rimes will never, ever be on this show. Finally, guilt-free gossip!

Things almost take a turn for the worse when Brandi forces Kyle to eat oysters, but no one throws up or dies. In a weird way, this seems to bring Brandi and Kyle closer together. Wonder what Adrienne will think about this.

The next day, the women eat breakfast, Yolanda shows up to drink vile green juice and lecture the other women about their crappy diets, and they all head out to Night School 4 Girls. Brandi welcomes them with an introductory speech which seems to be mostly stuttering and staring into space, and then it’s finally time for the pole dancing! Next week! Aren’t you glad they made this a two-parter? Maybe when they release the DVD we can get bonus scenes from that sixth grade graduation party. That was the bomb!

Do you think Kyle and Brandi are closer now, or was that just the booze talking? Were you surprised to see Adrienne and Paul at Sophia’s party? And what do you think of Yolanda’s helpful hints for domestic tranquility?