‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: The gals head to Paris to fight

You know what’s fun? Watching rich, miserable people mess up a perfectly good vacation. Not just any vacation, mind you, but one to Paris. Granted, in this episode we only get the first glimmers of how completely this trip is going to go off the rails, but with these women we can guess pretty well what’s going to happen. My suspicion? None of it good. 

We start off with a scene right out of an after school special, if they still made those (but I’m guessing that Kim and Kyle have a few under their belts). Upon visiting Kyle’s home and staring in wonder at the turtle shells on her sister’s wall (Kim says they’re magical; I say they’re creepy), Kim decides it’s time to bring up a serious subject. After the weird phone call from Taylor last week, she’s sure Taylor is drinking too much. Kyle agrees, but she’s been too shy (or scared, or bored, or something) to say. After all, she had no problem speaking up with Kim, and look how well that went! And Taylor, not being a blood relative, isn’t going to put up with Kyle’s crap! Still, Kim thinks something must be done. If they care about Taylor, they HAVE to call her a lush and make her feel lousy about herself! That won’t lead to more drinking or anything!
Amazingly, they call Taylor, who just happens to be at home and camera-ready when they drop by fifteen minutes later. Gosh, Taylor must be so surprised! Anyway, Kim tells Taylor she knows she’s a big boozehound. Taylor blinks a few times, then points out that, hey, she’s had a hard year having found her husband hanging in the closet, so she’s been hitting the chardonnay. Really, can you blame her? I’m impressed she isn’t wandering around with an IV drip of Maker’s Mark. 
But yes, as a single parent, she has to stop relying on booze to feel better. She hugs Kim, Kim hugs back, and Kyle is just totally annoyed that Kim got the feel-good intervention when Kim just screamed and denied and somehow slipped into rehab when no one was looking. Taylor is so touched that Kyle and Kim care so much about her, as she doesn’t have sisters. “This is what sisters do,” Kim says in a mostly condescending tone. Really? I thought she and Kyle defined what sisters do as mostly screaming and accusing the other of stealing their mother’s house. Huh. Missed this part. 
Lisa and Ken are going to visit Ken’s son Warren and his wife Sue in St. Tropez. When Lisa informs us that Warren is married to a friend of hers, and Sue is someone whom she wasn’t initially thrilled about running away with her stepson, we’re inclined to think this is a battle royale in the making. Hardly. Though the editors of the show try to warp Sue’s deadpan British wit into something scathing, everyone seems to get along famously. We also learn Sue was in “The Spy Who Loved Me,” which makes it sound like she’s Barbara Bach but really, her character was Log Cabin Girl (yes, I looked it up), so I wouldn’t say it was a huge part. Ken is also a grandpa to Ryan, who is 21. Ken won’t reveal his age, but really, does it matter if we know he has a grandson who can drink at Sur if he wants to?
Possibly the most exciting part of the trip to St. Tropez is that Giggy goes to the beach. Further proof that he’s really a dog and not an extremely convincing stuffed animal. 
Back in the States, Yolanda has a housewarming part at her ex-husband Mohamed’s house. Yeah, I know it’s weird; this show will get these women to host a party anywhere short of a 7-11 given the opportunity. 
Adrienne cancels at the last minute, which thrills Brandi to no end. I suspect Adrienne realizes that Yolanda has become the new keeper of house pet Brandi, and thus she won’t have the backing she wants when the inevitable fight breaks out. And really, would you go up against Yolanda? 
Not much happens at the housewarming party, except 1) we are reminded that David Foster and Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohamed are totally cool with one another 2) we are reminded that Marisa is TOTALLY eager to screw around on her poor husband Dean 3) Taylor says she has no problem with Yolanda, but only because Yolanda asks her directly and 4) Yolanda, Kyle and Lisa will just happen to be in Paris at the same time! What a coincidence! 
Thus, Kim and Brandi must come along to add some screaming to the mix, and Taylor is going to stay away, lest she be tempted to drink or have fun in any way now that she’s been shamed right out of it. I swear the producers cooked up this entire storyline this just so they wouldn’t have to send Taylor to Paris. 
Again, more fun watching people travel. I get bored traveling when I’m doing it, so watching someone else travel is even less exciting. All I want to do is tell the women to stay hydrated, wear comfortable footwear and not drink on the flight, and you just know they’re not going to do that ever. Anyway, Kyle decides to pass the time waiting for the flight reminding Kim that, even when she thought she was drinking on the sly, she KNEW. She knew when she wanted to drink, what she was drinking when she did drink, and possibly what her blood alcohol level was EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Kyle could make anyone want to drink, honestly.
Marisa calls with the sad news that her father-in-law has suddenly passed away, so she won’t be going to Paris. This would be a legitimate excuse. Nobody give Kim any ideas or Kyle might start losing family members.
When everyone arrives in Paris, Kyle has to do yet another dumb accent badly (she sounds about as French as a new Taco Bell menu item) and Lisa notices that Kim is acting weird shortly before the amazing Bastille Day fireworks. Kim claims to be tired, but Lisa suspects otherwise. I think it would be highly ironic if Kim fell off the wagon just days after trying to shove Taylor onto it, but we’ll find out more in part deux of this ridiculous trip. 
Did you love how Kyle hated to mention bad news before blurting it out? Do you think Kim is drinking again? And who do you think will duke it out next week? Don’t say everyone; that’s too easy.