‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: ‘White Party Pooper’

I’ve heard of many ridiculous Hollywood parties in my time, most of them hosted by talent agencies. But never before have I heard of someone having a party for her nose, or, to paraphrase Kyle, a nose quinceanera. I had hoped Kim might really go all-out with the theme, giving people gift bags of tissue paper and decongestants and floating big, green blobs in her pool, but no such luck. Instead, she has some little fake lilies and Chinese lanterns and calls it a party. I call that a Friday night. What a wasted opportunity!

Anyway, Kim’s lame party to unveil her new nose isn’t just about her new proboscis. It’s also about her sobriety. It’s all a very touching, personal salute to Kim’s narcissism, but sadly, Taylor (someone who knows a little something about narcissism) can’t make it. She calls to let Kyle know she can’t attend the nose soiree because she’s jetting off to Beaver Creek with some guy she thinks she loves and, oh, hey, Kyle has Kennedy? She totally didn’t know where that kid was! Taylor’s so glad, because she was just about to skim the bottom of the pool, just in case. But knowing Kennedy is with her friend and not dead is a huge relief, because now she doesn’t have to call the police and she can go to Beaver Creek! So, Kyle can just hold on to her for the weekend, okay? Toodles!

Kyle is slightly appalled, and Kim is absolutely sure Taylor is, shall we say, impaired. I really don’t care what’s wrong with Taylor, as I’d just like someone to call Social Services. If she can’t keep track of one kid, and she’s about to get on a plane without really knowing where that kid might be, I’m thinking she’s just one vodka tonic away from accidentally turning on a gas burner and forgetting about it or falling asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth while wearing a highly flammable nightie. 

Finally, Kim’s nose is unveiled to great oohing and aaahing, as if it’s a baby panda and not a nose. As Marisa points out, she thought Kim’s nose looked fine before. Personally, I can’t tell the difference, but everyone is so happy for Kim, as if she’s just had one of those extreme tumors they show on the Discovery Channel removed from the front of her face. 

In other news, Lisa’s old house catches fire. Adrienne, who still lives across the street, panics and shoves her kids into the car. Paul is not so interested in getting into the car, seeing as the street is blocked off and Adrienne will just be slowing down the firemen who are trying to douse the fire. But Adrienne doesn’t care! She’s scared! She has to protect her children! Whether or not she does so in a logical manner! Adrienne is, of course, horrified that Paul doesn’t want to join her on her Ride of Irrational Panic, as he should want to be with his family as they flee from the flames which are nowhere near them. Yeah, you can pretty much guess this relationship is going to hell in a hand basket, can’t you?

Oh, goody! It’s that time of year again — time for Kyle’s White Party! And if we know one thing, this means it’s time for fighting and possibly crying, which is always more fun when everyone is wearing white. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Kyle realizes tensions are high between Adrienne and Brandi, but why should that change her tradition? She bought the dress months ago, I’m guessing! No one is standing between her and her White Party no matter how miserable it becomes!

Before we get to the White Party, however, Adrienne has to use her interview time to look down her nose (which, as Kim points out, is perfectly straight) at Brandi. “You know what they say about karma,” she huffs.  “It’s a [constipated facial expression]…” What, Adrienne? Cotton ball? Recliner? Egg-eating raccoon? What, Adrienne, what? Oh, a bitch? Because you can’t say bitch anymore? As I recall, Adrienne has been bleeped saying the F-word, so I’m not exactly sure why she’s now too refined to say the dreaded B-word. I mean, they use it on prime time network TV. It’s not a big deal. 

It could be argued that, after slamming Brandi with a threatening letter, then denying she had any such letter sent, and trying to use their considerable wealth as a bludgeoning tool to stop Brandi from telling the truth (which we still haven’t heard), karma came back to bite Adrienne and Paul squarely in the ass with a messy divorce. But hey, that’s just my interpretation of karma. Maybe Adrienne thinks karma is only something that happens to other people whom she doesn’t like.

Finally, it’s time for the dreaded White Party of Suffering. Adrienne arrives and smears fake tan all over the furniture, which Lisa is all too happy to point out. It seems Lisa kept some things to herself when she was friends with Adrienne, but now she’s under no such restrictions. I’m half expecting Lisa to demand Kyle present Adrienne with a beach towel, just for the hell of it.

Byron Allen is also a guest at the party. This isn’t important, really.

Taylor shows up, seemingly sober. Still, Kim is concerned. Not only does Taylor not apologize or make excuses (Kim is a fan of making excuses), she seems to think there was absolutely nothing wrong with abandoning the child she forgot she had and jetting off with some guy who ordered her food in restaurants. 

Kyle is hopeful that Adrienne and Paul can avoid Brandi and vice versa. It’s a big party; no one needs to hang out with someone they hate! So, of course, Adrienne sends her friend Etirsa to ask Adrienne to talk to Brandi one-on-one, and of course Adrienne brings Paul with her, and pretty soon it’s just a big, funny screaming match. 

For some reason, Adrienne and Paul think they are not litigious. They didn’t file actual paperwork! They just THREATENED to sue Brandi! Totally different than actually suing! Jeez, Brandi, didn’t you know that? Adrienne didn’t want to hire a lawyer! She was forced to by, uh… wait. She wasn’t forced to hire a lawyer, and probably has one on retainer sitting in her living room waiting to do something other than vacuum for $500 an hour. She chose to hire a lawyer, but she wants Brandi to know that her hand was forced! By Brandi! Telling the truth about her on Twitter! Really, I’m just going with the idea that Brandi has been telling the truth simply because Adrienne doth protest too much. 

Is anyone else starting to feel like watching this show is like ending up at the restaurant table next to a bunch of drunk college roommates who suddenly start screeching at one another about who ate all the peanut butter, and you can’t get your check because the waitress is just not interested in trying to get past these crazy women who are once step away from throwing elbows and pulling hair? Yeah, it’s like that a little bit. 

Brandi, knowing Adrienne and Paul would start spinning the truth like slightly dimwitted politicians, presents them with print outs of e-mails supposedly representing what their chef Bernie e-mailed to Radar Online. There is something jarring about an argument stopping for a reading break. It’s like calling for a time out, sharing a box of Oreos, then getting right back into the shrieking. 

Meanwhile, Tayler and Lisa are pointing out to Kyle that she’s a big old hypocrite. Remember last year, when she kicked Russell and Taylor off her lawn because Russell threatened to sue Camille for saying nasty things about  him? Well, why isn’t she doing the same thing to Adrienne? 

“It’s not my problem!” Kyle says with a lighthearted hair flip, as if this makes her more playful and less hypocritical.

“Oh, yes it is!” Lisa says happily, as she no longer has any loyalty to Kyle, either. Lisa has a lot  more fun once she starts dumping friends, doesn’t she? “Cheers!” 

Finally, no one can resist the allure of a really good fight, so Ken and Lisa and the whole Scooby gang settles in to add their two cents to the Brandi-Adrienne-Paul throw down. Ken, of course, comes to Brandi’s defense, suggesting Adrienne and Paul pay for Brandi’s legal bills, since it’s their fault she has them in the first place. Paul isn’t paying for her lawyer! Not that he couldn’t! Because he’s probably trying to squirrel away funds for his impending divorce! I really can’t wait for those episodes, because Paul and Adrienne have become so thoroughly unlikable lately I’m looking forward to a little karma splashing all over them.  It is a bitch, after all.

Do you think Adrienne, Paul and Brandi just need to drop it already? Have you noticed Yolanda wants nothing to do with these women? And what did you think of Kim’s new nose?