Were secrets revealed in ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ reunion?

While this is technically a piece of the multi-part reunion for this season of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” this mish-mash is half clip job, half reunion and mostly a mess. Jumping from past to present, battle to battle and from silly to unspeakably sad, this one is sure to hurt your head. And even though this is the “Secrets Revealed” episode, there weren’t so many secrets. But there are a few takeaways from this episode, and none of them revolve around Alexia learning to drive. So you can fast forward through that insanely boring segment. You’re welcome. 

Brandi revealed too much. As usual.

I love Brandi. I loved that she so easily admitted her too-tight Oscar dress was a huge faux pas. But do I love that I now know she had her vagina tightened up “tight like a tiger”? No, no I don’t. I’m also not sure I needed to see footage of her flashing the guys from Louis Vuitton while she was in Paris. 

We had to watch a lot of previously unused footage. And most of it was unused for a reason.

Look! Kyle takes Lisa for a mammogram! Yolanda and Brandi get a private shoe show from the head shoe designer for Louis Vuitton! Paul runs in high heels! Alexia learns to drive! Kyle and Kim model clothes for their sister Kathy and Paris gives Kim a hug! Are you as bored as I am? This episode is called “secrets revealed,” but unless secrets is the new name for dumb filler, not buying it. 

Faye isn’t on Kyle’s payroll, but everyone else hates her anyway.

Ah, yes. Faye, the shrew Housewife who isn’t a Housewife. Kyle tries to convince everyone that Faye isn’t her puppet, but no one believes her. Lisa believes Faye will do anything to get more airtime, and Yolanda thinks Faye reflects what a horrible person Kyle really is. Kyle tries to deflect, telling everyone to go talk to Faye, since she does what she wants to do — and hey, why is everyone so quick to believe Faye takes orders from Kyle when Brandi clearly says everything Lisa wants her to? It’s a fair point, except no one can hear it over the screaming. 

Taylor acts crazy. And maybe a little drunk.

While Taylor is perfectly well-behaved during the reunion, we get to see lots of old footage of her getting her cray-cray on with her enabler, I mean friend, Dwight. At Portia’s birthday party, Taylor feels comfortable swearing a blue streak and talking crap about Adrienne and Paul — while they’re within earshot. And she’s not exactly whispering, unless screaming is the new whispering. “I’VE BEEN A VICTIM FOR TOO LONG!” she whispers. She says some other stuff, but I am so distracted by her creepy fish lips it’s hard to concentrate. Did someone actually tell her that’s a good look? Anyway, Paul and Adrienne meander over to defend their honor. Taylor thinks Adrienne cares more about  money than she cares about her! And she yelled at her for two hours at Sur! We then see footage of Adrienne calmly trying to suggest that maybe Russell’s side isn’t exactly being represented, since he’s not there. So, yes, in short Taylor is off the rails in this segment. “I wanted you to run to my rescue!” Taylor weeps. Adrienne and Paul, realizing there’s no winning for losing in this conversation, decide to leave. For once, I’m taking Paul and Adrienne’s side, but it helps that the other side is full batcrap crazy Taylor. 

Adrienne, in absentia, acts crazy.

Because Adrienne isn’t there to defend herself, that means we get treated to a greatest hits montage of all her dumbest moments for the women to tsk-tsk over. Remember those awful flowers she sent to Lisa? Remember her and Lisa arguing about Bernie’s dry brownies? Remember her popping her kid in the face with a football then acting put out when he cried? Oh, those were the days!

Andy tries to get the women fighting, but fails.

Oh, Andy. It was a noble effort, but I’m not sure why this one didn’t land on the editing room floor. Andy reminds everyone that Brandi blogged about hating child stars. And Kyle and Kim were child stars! But so was Leann Rimes. Brandi points out that she was just talking about Leann. Kyle and Kim tell Andy they got that. Andy sulks. The end. 

Marisa and Dean are that couple you would hate to be stuck with on a double date.

Another one of the many unfortunate “lost footage” moments we’re subjected to is watching Marisa and Dean packing for the Trip to Paris that Never Happened (at least, not for them). And I’m really pretty glad they weren’t able to make it, because Marisa and Dean are such an uncomfortable couple I can barely stand to watch them for more than a few minutes. There’s a reason Brandi suggested a hall pass to Marisa — I think she just wanted Marisa to stop ragging on her poor husband every time she saw her. 

Just to drive home the point that Marisa treats Dean like her special needs foster child, Marisa had to tell Dean how his shoes stank, his clothes had sweat stains, and “you don’t dress nice anymore.” I’m thinking he doesn’t dress nice anymore because he’s so horribly depressed living with a woman who seems to hate him he no longer has self-esteem or a working spine. Please, Bravo, if I wanted to watch couple’s therapy I’d watch “L.A. Shrinks.” 

We get a random poignant interlude which seems entirely out of place

In the midst of all this small scale agita, we get a segment about Yolanda’s best friend Ellie, who has ALS. You know, Lou Gehrig’s disease. So she’s going to suffer horribly and die in about two years. Or less. Yolanda cries. Ellie seems frail and sad. And then, there’s some up tempo music and we’re right back to the reunion. What the what? It’s probably one of the more real moments we’ll ever have on this show, and it somehow got dumped into this snips-and-snails clip job mess. 

The whole mess concludes with an extended segment of the women taking a stripping class in Vegas. It’s less sexy than awkward and sad. There’s something horribly middle-aged and desperate about it all, but I guess that’s just the right note to end this episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” isn’t it? 

Do you think the girls ganged up on Kyle, or do you think she deserved it? Do you want to see more of Marisa and Dean next year or have you been punished enough? And are you glad Adrienne is gone for good?