America! I want you to stop eating that guacamole! I want you to take your hand out of that bag of chips! I WANT YOU TO FINISH UP WIPING AND GET OFF THE SHITTER! I WANT YOU TO PUT THOSE CHICKEN FINGERS DOWN! I WANT YOU TO STOP MASTURBATING TO THE GIRL AT YOUR PARTY WEARING A TIGHT SWEATER!
BECAUSE WE’RE ABOUT TO FUCKING ROCK THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
So quit eye-raping those buffalo wings! Get your fat fucking manpaws out of the sour cream dip! STOP SUCKING ON YOUR FINGERS TO GET THAT CHEESE DUST OFF! YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR SUCKING A TODDLER’S COCK! I want you to get off your couch! I want you to RISE UP! I want you to tuck in your shirt and not look like the slovenly chub-beast you really are! And I want you to wipe your mouth! There’s a pile of Vanity Fair napkins over there! Use them! You look like a barbecue sauce version of the Joker right now!
And for God’s sake, PUT DOWN THAT BEER, AMERICA! I THINK YOU HAVE DRINKING PROBLEM! I saw you get loaded for your grandma’s funeral last week! That’s fucked! ALCOHOL IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL ROCK AND ROLL!
I want you to do jumping jacks! I want you to establish a healthy routine of cardiovascular exercise! Because right now, America, you’re kinda nasty! And I want you to stop scratching your taint and then discreetly sneaking a whiff of it when you think no one is looking! I CAN SEE YOU AND I KNOW YOU’RE SMELLING YOUR TAINT! THAT’S DISGUSTING! IT’S TIME TO ROCK!
I want you to close your knees! When you spread your legs like that, I can smell the fromunda! Even with jeans on! YOU’VE GOT STINKY BUTTCRUST, AMERICA! I’M A BARD! I KNOW THESE THINGS!
AND STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE! I see you digging in there! You’ve got little blood specks on your fingers! That’s just not right! AND CLEAN UP THE PLACE! I see dust bunnies in here bigger than a pink Cadillac! WHEN DID YOU SCRUB YOUR TOILET LAST? 1997? JESUS! WE NEED TO ROCK YOU CLEAN!
So quit reaching under your Snuggie to adjust your scrotum because it got wedged between your thighs! I want you to stop staring at the screen with your mouth half open like you’re a fucking retard like Sean Combs! I want you UP AND MOVING, EVEN IF THAT MEANS YOU RISK DYING OF CONGENITIVE HEART DISEASE!
WAIT, DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT! I DON’T WANT YOU THAT EXCITED! YOU’VE GOT WREATHS AROUND YOUR NIPS! THAT’S GROSS!
I want you to put your shirt back on! I want you away from the computer! That Redtube site isn’t going anywhere! YOU’LL STILL HAVE PORN READY TWELVE MINUTES FROM NOW! I want you to stop planning your masturbation sessions on MY TIME! I want more fist pumping, and less cock pumping!
I want you to put down that cell phone! Is that an LG model? LG are gay! I want you to buy a real phone, like an iPhone or that new Treo I heard about! And then I want you to put THAT phone down, because we got some serious fucking partying to do!
And put down that remote! There’s nothing on! I checked the guide! AND NO PEEING! I WANT YOU TO HOLD THAT URINE! EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING IT ALL HALF, AND YOU KNOW THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE BEFORE YOU BURST LIKE A PISS-FILLED OIL TANKER! HOLD THAT PEE! THE E STREET BAND DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR EXCRETORY SYSTEM!
I want you stop being so gross, America! I want you to stop eating and drinking and inhaling any fucking thing you see, and take time out for what’s important: namely, me ROCKING YOUR BALLS OFF!
SO PUT THOSE FUCKING CHICKEN FINGERS DOWN! THIS IS TENTH AVENUE FREEZEOUT!