Better Know A Draft Pick: Jimmy Clausen

03.04.10 8 years ago 73 Comments

Why yes, I did arrive in a stretch Hummer.

Name: Jimmy Richard Clausen
Nickname: Phallus Impudicus

Likes: Bros
Dislikes: Haters

Resembles: Beaker crossbred with an emu.

Previously Stated Goals: To win four national championships at Notre Dame.
Actual Accomplishments: 16-18 record as a starter, co-MVP of the famed Hawaii Bowl.

Words Most Commonly Associated With Player: Cocky, cockish, cockeyed, cocksure, half-cocked, cold-cocked, cockled, cockroach, cockatiel, and…uh…cock.

Mainstream Media Comparison: Some sort of John Elway/Tom Brady/Joe Namath hybrid (note: may be outdated).
KSK Comparison: Some sort of Brady Quinn/Jeff George/Alex Smith hybrid.

Reason He Repeated the 6th Grade (Mom’s Version):To gain maturity.”
Reasons He Repeated the 6th Grade (Real Version): Couldn’t name the antagonist from Treasure Island, failed like George Washington at Fort Necessity.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: His parents hired a professional quarterback coach to work with him when he was in eighth grade. Apparently that was his reward for being so mature.

Combine Revelations: Possesses tiny hands.

Who Wants Him: The marketing departments at Abercrombie & Fitch and Burger King.
Who Will Take Him: The Redskins, because God is either dead or an asshole.

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