Cancer Survivors Deserve to Get Laid: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

03.03.11 7 years ago 87 Comments

A quick note about submissions: if you happen to write in to the mailbag, please sign off with a name or initials that you don’t mind being identified by. Half the time, people don’t leave a signature, and I’m uncomfortable with using names or even initials, because I don’t think it’s my right to give identifying clues as to who the writer may be. So I end up coming up with nicknames for people, and that’s time-consuming and not very fun. So help a brother out, okay?

Okay, on to the questions! I have to say, this is a really strong group of questions today. We’ve got cancer, cheating spouses, long-distance lameasses, horny bisexual women, AND MORE. Read on.

Dear KSK,
Sex first. I’m 26 and graduating college after 8 years.

“Well, here’s all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it’s your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You’re a freshman, so it’s pretty much out of the question.”

I’ve been seeing this one girl for almost year. She graduated a year ago and is still searching for a job and has no luck. I have a job set up after graduation about 2 hours away. She’s offered to make the move but she also talks about traveling and grad school. I’ve seen this scenario play other with friends and never works out well. I’d like her to move with me but I don’t want her blaming me if she doesn’t get a chance to do the other things she wants to do. Also, she broke up with her old boyfriend of 3 years for me (I told her not to). So do I actually owe her this or not?

The only thing you owe her is the truth about your feelings. The end of college/beginning of adult life is a huge step for everybody, and not enough people take advantage of getting a clean break when it’s offered to them on a platter. (Remember the asshole from freshman year who had a girlfriend in his high school hometown? It’s like that.)

Now, I’m not saying that you should break up with your girl or not give long-distance a try. But generally speaking, given the situation, people don’t say, “These are the scenarios that work for me, and these are the scenarios that don’t, and if you want a scenario that doesn’t work for me, then we should wish each other well and go our separate ways.” Be realistic. Tell her that you want to keep dating her, that you don’t want to be apart from her in a long-distance relationship, and hey! Since she hasn’t found a job yet, why not move with you and look for a job where you’re going?

Football! I’ve won my league for the last 3 years so no major problems there. The only minor problem is that as I mentioned above I’m 26 and just finishing college so I don’t have alot of disposable income. My successful friends who finished school on time want to up the ante for the next year. It’s an amount I’m not really comfortable with. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for an exception given the circumstances? Or am I just bitching cause they have more money?

You’ve won the league the last three seasons. Poor college student or not, a three-time defending champion can’t complain about the stakes being raised.


Dear KSK,
More of a relationship question than sex – My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years. We’re both set on the fact that we’re perfect for each other and it would take a lot to take us apart. However, neither of us really sees marriage as a priority, for philosophical and practical reasons that I won’t get into. We are now in the process of buying a house together. This has of course led to marriage questions from coworkers, family, friends, etc. I don’t mind the curiosity questions e.g. “Oh, you’re buying a house? Are you guys married/getting married?” because I understand most people put the two together. I do have a problem when I hear something like, “So when are you gonna pop the question?!” or something of that ilk which implies it’s something that we “should” do because of the status of our relationship. What’s the problem with two people just loving the shit out of each other, who are also taking advantage of their combined incomes and a down housing market? What’s a polite way to tell people to STFU when they ask goading questions like that?

Whoa whoa whoa. Before you get all high and mighty on not buying into the establishment’s idea of what a relationship should be because you don’t need a piece of paper and a judge to love your girl, maaaan, just STOP. I wholeheartedly support your freedom to do whatever it is you want to do with your love/sex life (assuming no animals or children are being harmed), but YOU need to understand and accept that you and your partner are going against the grain. Don’t get pissed at other people for assuming you’re normal. The jackass who says, “So when are you gonna pop the question?” is just trying to make conversation. He’s not implying you should pop the question, he’s assuming you’re normal. People who buy houses together usually get married. He’s not an asshole for making a logical conclusion, but you certainly are if you fire back with a haughty response about how your view on marriage is superior to the rest of the world’s.

There’s no polite way to say “shut the fuck up,” but there’s certainly a polite way to say, “Actually, I’m not. My girlfriend and I have talked about it a lot, and neither one of us feels the need to get married.” Turn the other cheek. (And think about going to the courthouse. Crazy tax breaks.)

Football – I’ve been playing fantasy football for many years. I’ve always been pretty good with setting the appropriate weekly roster, and very astute on the waiver wire (I won’t start reeling off my savvy waiver wire acquisitions, that’s douchey enough in person). I could use some help with my draft preparation and strategy. I don’t have a ton of time to research, I usually cross-reference a few position rankings from reputable sites, keep the injury reports handy, and go draft. I usually end up with a good team, but not one that can get over the hump and dominate. I always end up feeling that I should’ve done better drafting, e.g. my first two RBs last season were Shonn Greene and Jahvid Best (/shudder). Any advice on ensuring I’ve done an adequate amount of homework for the draft, without spending an obscene number of hours doing so?

I’m not sure I have any great insights here — I don’t consider myself to be a particularly strong drafter, either. Part of it is luck — I certainly wanted to pick Shonn Green and Best during the draft last year, but I had the good fortune not to — but there’s also an advantage to coming in prepared. I think the best thing you can do is forget the fantasy football guides and instead pay close attention to the beat reporters during training camp. People who did that in 2010 got advance notice on breakout seasons from players like Arian Foster and the Bucs’ Mike Williams.


Capt. Caveman,
Fantasy: If we do have a 2011 season, I would like to get back into fantasy. Took the year off for whatever reason and had to suffer through every insufferable asshole at work talk about their team’s performance from the previous week/players they like in the upcoming weeks due to matchups, etc., because you see, everyone I work with used to either play or coach in the NFL and is somehow an expert. If Mark Schlereth can do it, so can they apparently. ANYWAYS, looking towards draft time, who would your top QBs be?

In no particular order: Rivers, Rodgers, and Vick are my top three. Brees and Brady a hair below them, and Peyton Manning & Roethlisberger in a slightly lower tier, mostly because I can’t stand them. If you happen to miss all of those guys, I’d look at Matt Schaub, who had a breakout 2009 but will have lower stock thanks to a downturn last season.

Sex: I wrote in a over year ago about having issues getting from third to home. Took your advice of branching out, getting in better shape, etc. and I would like to thank you for that. I closed my last year in school quite well. Now I’m back in the hometown, working, and until the other weekend, not getting any again. The other weekend, a ridiculously hot chick who I had always had a thing for, came onto me at bar and I made it happen. Sweet right? Well between general rust from an extended slump, intoxication, and shock/nerves that it was actually happening, yours truly performed pretty poorly. All I want is another shot at it, but I’m afraid that my weak performance may have killed that. How can I get her to come around to giving me another shot? Thanks again for your previous advice and keep up the good work.
-Whiskey Dick

Try something along the lines of this: “Hey, I spent years hoping to get the chance to be with you, and when the opportunity finally presented itself, it didn’t go as well as I would have liked. Can I take you out and give it another shot?” If you happen to deliver that message with flowers, you WILL get another shot.


Dear KSK,
I don’t know if the kommentariat missed me, but I haven’t commented for a couple of weeks while I’ve been working on a personal situation. I found out a year and a half ago that the missus was steppin’ out on me. Partly my fault- I didn’t pay enough attention. Mostly her fault- narcissistic fantasy world. We decided to patch things up. Wild monkey sex daily for three months, an occasional disagreement, some well-reasoned mistrust on my part, which I always pointed out. Sex tapered off to pre-discovery levels during the summer, so we went to counseling in the fall. Just after New Year’s she informed me that it wasn’t working, and that we should split. I found out last week that she’s still fucking the same guy.


Good for me- grounds for an immediate divorce, without alimony! We’ve worked out the details for child support and visitation, so the important stuff is handled.

Here’s my dilemma- He’s married. Should I take the shit-ton of evidence I have and forward it to his wife?  I’ve done some studying. The “Betrayed Spouse’s Bill of Rights” says I shouldn’t. I’m somewhat religious- “Revenge is of the Lord” comes to mind.

Oh please. You can use religion to argue whichever way you want. It just depends if you’re an “eye for an eye” person or a “Golden Rule” person.

But I can’t help thinking that I would have wanted to know, and that she DESERVES to know. I’ll be getting opinions from others that I respect (mentor, priest, etc). I’ve gotten some great relationship advice from CC and the kommentariat over the years. I know the decision is ultimately mine, but the feedback might help to clarify my intellectual and emotional arguments. Thanks.

I think you’d be well within your rights to send the evidence to the cuckquean (really, that’s the best the English language can do for a female version of cuckold), and your ex-wife certainly deserves the comeuppance. But I wouldn’t do it, and here’s why:

Your kids. Even if she’s Satan incarnate, she still gets to see the children that the two of you brought into this world. You owe it to them to cultivate a civil relationship with your ex. If she’s happy in her life, she’ll be a better mother to them and less likely to disparage you during her limited time with them. As much as you might want to “win” whatever contest of pain you feel with your ex, if you choose to fight that battle, the real losers will be your kids.


Sultans of Swing:
Football: I’m a lazy graduate student playing fantasy against college buddies with real jobs, so I just won for the 3rd time in 4 years. Thank you Arian Foster.

Sex: not quite so lucky— while I’m normally okay here, about a year back I was diagnosed with a little thing that starts with “c” and rhymes with “tiny dancer.”

No joke, it took me a while to figure out what you were talking about here. I was like, “Chinese lancer?” The “tiny” part of the equation really threw me off.

The good news is that I’m (finally) making a recovery, and for the first time in a long time I find myself wanting to get laid. The bad news is that, like a good girl, my (now ex) pretty much headed for the hills as soon as she found out about the diagnosis (if anyone reading this in NYC sees a blonde today, flip her off for me, just in case).

There’s nothing quite like cancer to figure out if the person you’re with is the right person for you.

Either way, now I’m a single 20-something cancer survivor looking to get back on the horse, but my body is kind of a wreck AND I don’t really have all that much energy. Before this went down, all I ever really did was get drunk at a bar and take home whoever was stupid enough to talk to me. That’s obviously out of the question now, so do you have any dating advice for someone who wants to meet the ladies but can’t just keep doing the same shit they did in college? How the hell do adults meet people, anyways?

Craigslist, mostly.

No, not really (although Internet dating is a perfectly viable option for many people). I’ll offer you the same advice I offer anyone who’s looking to get laid: work on improving yourself, and the sex will follow. Granted, you don’t have a lot of energy (understandable), but you can still try cooking or bartending classes, or maybe volunteer for a cancer-related non-profit, or maybe take some personal training sessions with a female instructor (even if she doesn’t sleep with you, the story of a cancer survivor working to get his body back into shape will compel her to set you up with a friend). Put yourself into new situations where you learn and do new things, and meet and do new women.

Barring that, there are a few girls I already know who I might be able to make it happen with — the only thing is that they are friends/people that I have history with. Normally, they would definitely be out of the question, since I wouldn’t want the drama/baggage/whatever that would come along with any sex (not looking for a girlfriend here, just good ol’ fashioned humpin’). It would definitely not be worth it for me to hook up with any of these girls under normal circumstances, but should I just say fuck it and swing for the fences here?
Vaya Con Dios Brahs,
Blueballs in Baltimore

Normal circumstances? Dude, you just beat cancer! This is not a normal circumstance, this is a green light to have no-strings sex with women out of your league because you just survived the big C. Trust me on this one: I came back from Iraq with a bona fide medal for valor in combat, and I never once used it to my advantage. I was exceedingly modest about it in social situations, and that was fucking stupid.

Now, I’m not saying you should stand on a bar and shout, “WOOOO I BEAT CANCER!!! WHO WANTS TO SUCK THIS?” But come on: you had a killer disease, and you looked Death in the face and gave it the finger. Fuckin’ A. Walk with swagger. You’re owed some fine-ass pussy. Be bold about it.


Dearest Sirs,
Football: My friends and I have been maintaining a league through college and now for a couple of years out of college. I’ve taken the mantle of commissioner because I hound people enough to get them to mail me their dues. Yet I fear for the future of the league, especially because I have nowhere to turn if this one crumbles. Any advice on keeping the league strong while we transition to the real world in different parts of the country?

Not really. I mean, try to get everybody together for a draft, and stay active on the league message boards (I prefer group emails). But we all gotta deal with getting older and moving and having kids. That’s life. But it’s no reason not to play fantasy football.

Sexy Dating Sex: My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now. We’re pretty into each other, we get along really well for the most part, no major complaints. She lives a couple hours away, but we manage to see each other every two or three weeks, spending the weekend at each other’s places.

Sounds shitty.

Now I made the fatal mistake of not getting along with her roommate, who is essentially her only friend in town because the rest moved away after college and my girlfriend’s job kept her there. And my girlfriend is shy and my roommates/friends in my city are fairly cliquey… really, I don’t even like to hang out with them that much, we’re more friends out of necessity than anything else. So it causes big problems when we visit each other and don’t really get along with each other’s roommates, to the point that it prevents her from coming if we have something going on some weekend. And being the ever-selfish dick that I am, I see her bowing out as a personal affront. How do I fix this?

Wow, you and your girl are just Mr. and Mrs. Congeniality, huh? I can’t believe people aren’t more excited to hang out with a misanthrope and his shy girlfriend.

I’m sorry, that was unnecessary. But seriously, if your girlfriend can’t deal with your roommates for two days — to the point that she won’t visit you — then she’s either (a) not that into you or (b) socially retarded. This whole scenario just sounds fucking broken. I’ve done long-distance before (me in California, her in New York City), and I’ve taken more redeyes than I care to remember. But at the time, I didn’t mind the travel because I was always excited to see what my then-girlfriend would share with me: her friends, her new favorite restaurant, cool bars that had opened since the last time I visited. And when she came to me, I proudly showed her off to my friends and took her to whichever nooks and crannies of southern California I thought she might like. We had a passion for sharing our lives and interests in what little time we were allotted, and if that was a real priority for you and your girlfriend, you probably wouldn’t need to write an email to this mailbag.

As for fixing your problems: apologize to your girlfriend’s roommate for being a dick. Even if you weren’t a dick (you probably were), go ahead and apologize anyway. Maybe offer some token of apology, like buying her a drink. As for your “clique” friends “of necessity,” well, I don’t know what to say about that. I’d recommend making some real friends, and being a real friend.


Captain Caveman:
Sex: So, I am a girl who has few problems actually getting a guy into bed once I have a full-on conversation with them. However, it’s the after-sex bullshit I have an issue with: specifically, the fact that I might be actually mildly interested in a guy I’ve recently fucked. My issues are mainly due to my reticence towards getting involved with a guy since my ex-boyfriend physically and emotionally abused me throughout our 8 months of dating.

Yeah, that’ll make anyone a little hesitant about relationships.

However, with this new guy, essentially all you need to know is that we met in a work environment that he was in the process of leaving, yet he is still friends with quite a few people in the office I work in, and therefore he was in attendance at a social gathering with the majority of the younger workers (like myself) in the office. To make things as concise as possible, we hooked up that night (I don’t remember much; I’d had quite a few whiskeys on the rocks (5) plus about 3 irish stouts) and we’ve fucked about 3 times since. My main issue is that I’m not really all that experienced in this type of thing. Essentially, since I broke up with my ex, I’ve been passing it around,

I hate to interrupt your sentence, but I applaud your heroism. You’re one of the good ones.

mainly due to the fact that I’m not quite emotionally prepared to deal with a guy’s bullshit. However, basically every time we’ve hooked up since the first fuck has been on his terms, despite the fact that my friends who are more experienced with this type of thing have been advising me to text him at least once weekly to hang out. He’s pretty much declined each time (“too tired”).

I’m honestly not looking for anything serious, but I would at least like to establish some sort of constant sexual relationship with this new male, due to the fact that fucking is the best thing that has ever existed (and honestly he almost has what I very much enjoy down to a T). However, something exclusive might be stressful for the guy due to my fragile psyche.

I guess I’m mainly asking for advice on how to approach this situation: I want to frequently fuck this guy; I want minimal emotional involvement; but I want it to happen frequently (3-ish times a week).

Well, this is an interesting predicament. Ideally, you should be able to sit this guy down and tell him you just want to get fucked a couple times a week without any emotional involvement. The only thing you could say to a man that could possibly be better is, “Listen, I just want to blow you and make you a sandwich. Maybe later my hot friend can come over for a three-way.”

However, the fact that the dude has given you the cold shoulder a couple times — while hooking up with you at his leisure — suggests that you’re not his first option. Telling him your very simple terms could, potentially, scare him off (emotional involvement or not, fucking three times a week is pretty close to a relationship). But I think you should make it clear to him that (a) you don’t want a relationship and (b) you need more of that dick. You might not get it as much as you like, but you’ll probably get it more if he knows you’re not trying to rope him into talks about his feelings.

As for fantasy football, you are shit out of luck. If it makes you feel better, I’ll link you to this. I’m sure you’ve seen it; I know I have, several times.
Bi, Bored, and Horny as FUCK

Daww, goddammit. That Slashfilm link doesn’t even have the Scarlett Johansson/Penelope Cruz sex scene you’re talking about. There’s a fucking QUESTION MARK in the headline, for God’s sake. Seriously, you women are no good at finding sex on the Internet. The link to video of the scene is here. I swear, I have to do everything around here.

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