Dear Peter King, Please Stop Baiting Us So Obviously

03.19.07 11 years ago 78 Comments

I stopped reading Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback column not long after I posted a picture of his daughter on the Internet. After the Mary Beth fiasco, it just seemed wrong to keep up the annoying charade of paying attention to him.

And yet I have friends who email me all of his greatest hits. During this offseason he’s panned The Departed for being needlessly violent and expressed surprise that Matt Damon plays the title character in Saving Private Ryan, which he waited nine years to see. Here are some gems from today’s installment:

i. One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick’s Day. Never thought I’d love Guinness, but it’s pretty close to the perfect beer.

k. Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.

It’s times like this I really wish there were some sort of way to express in writing that I’m holding my face in my hands and shaking me head. Where does one even BEGIN to ridicule a jackass this clueless? He’s doing this on purpose, right?

Anyway, let’s avoid the obvious diatribe and standard ridicule. I hereby open up the polls for Things Peter King Might Think He Thinks About Non-Football Thoughts in the Future.

“Tried meatloaf the other night. Delicious.”

“Got another email from Sergeant McCarthy in Iraq. He thinks the Rams have a chance this year. I met him once, so he’s probably right.”

“The other day I had trouble getting up the stairs.”

“Finally saw The Godfather last weekend. Who knew Al Pacino was so good? I sure didn’t expect to see Marlon Brando in the title role!”

“Turns out Bob Dylan has a son. Jakob Dylan plays for a band called ‘the Wallflowers.’ Must be an ironic name — I can see them headlining some big concerts. I can’t stop listening to ‘One Headlight’ on my iPod!”

“Have you seen Diane Keaton? What a looker!”

“Apparently the Red Sox spent a lot of money for this Jap fellow. Wait, I’m being told I’m not allowed to say ‘Jap.’ When did that happen? Crazy. Everyone’s so sensitive these days. I blame video games and violence in movies for making things worse than they used to be.”

“Just got off the phone with Jerome Bettis. He thinks Nate Clements is worth the money in San Francisco. Can’t say I like San Francisco. Too many hills. I had some tremendous sodomy there, though.”

I’d do more, but thinking about this clown makes my head hurt. I invite you to add your PK mental diarrhea in the comments.

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