Fictional Cheerleader Bio: Britney

02.15.08 10 years ago 46 Comments

This is Britney, cheerleader for the Bucs. Britney is the coolest cheerleader in the world. In fact, she wears nothing BUT her cheerleading uniform, even while buying groceries. She enjoys snorting cocaine and then riding around on a Waverunner. She will do tequila shots with you until 6AM, and then eat a 96 oz. ribeye for breakfast. She listens to The Sword. She likes football, but has the courtesy to watch it in a another room so you can watch it with your friends. Like 99.99% of the population, she can kick Simmons’ ass in Scrabble.

She speaks 7 different languages and eats raw shellfish at least once a day. She likes firing guns. She likes men with back fat. She can shimmy up a palm tree in 7.8 seconds. She’ll have fresh popovers ready for you in the morning, every morning. She fucking hates Ellen Pompeo. She can quote all of Kinison’s best work, including, “Well, it wouldn’t be like that if someone had a ladder and a pair of pliers!!!” She actually likes her female friends. She threw eggs at NOW protesters from her community college dorm room.

She’s open to threesomes, and to guiding you through the process. Her father invented the cuckoo clock, and thus she is worth billions. Her Dad will take you golfing at Augusta any time you wish. She sleeps in the nude. She’ll teach you how to surf. She likes cars that go really fucking fast. She smokes enough weed to make the Maj look like a goddamn 8th grader. She’s got an oceanside condo with a pool bar and 12-burner gas grill. Her teeth and feet are fucking flawless. She follows her birth control pill schedule with military precision.

She majored in English at UVA. Her favorite book is Catch-22. She’s smart as shit, but she’s not quite as smart as you.

But she smokes. Dealbreaker?

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