If There is Hope, It Lies in the Proehls

11.28.06 11 years ago 30 Comments

Rather than doing something to, say, shore up their porous run defense, the Colts are continuing their strategy this year of surrounding Peyton Manning, that fetus-headed scarlet prince of chokery, with players who actually rise to the occasion in big games, such as Adam Vinatieri and now Ricky Proehl, pictured below getting some afterplay delight from Dick Vermeil, will fill the role of “gritty, deceptively fast, possession” receiver left open with the injury to Brandon Stokley.

“May I sup of thine tear ducts, Dick?”

He’s one of those players like Robert Horry or Moises Alou who always seem to be in the playoffs, even if in reality he’s had to while away the majority of his career with the Buzzsaw, the Seahawks and most of the shitty Rams teams. Proehl would probably be better remembered if his new teammate Adam Vinatieri not foiled his two Super Bowl-tying TD catches (with two different teams) by twice making game-winning field goals. He better have a good reason to come back, because he would have ended his career with 666 catches, and how would have Kurt Warner have felt about contributing to that?

Colts fans are keeping their usual clearheaded perspective on the matter:

this is a really good move. now with a decent slot receiver as stokleys backup, we can start gettin back to dominating all the time.

Absolutely. Because 10-1 isn’t a dominating record. And conversely, all those years of losing in the playoffs can be directly attributed to the lack of a viable option at backup slot receiver. Or blocking. Or purple Gatorade over blue on the sidelines. Or Kenny Chesney not returning calls. But not Manning meltdowns. Heavens no.

To shed some light on these and other matters, we here at KSK welcome the receiver in the latest installment of our long-dormant feature, 10 Yards of Awkwardness.

Christmas Ape: Thanks for coming, Ricky. The last two quarterbacks you’ve played with were Jake Delhomme and Kurt Warner, and now you’ve got Peyton Manning. A real glutton for douches, aren’t ya? Delhomme pushed Bojangles, Warner pushed Jeebus and Manning hawks everything else. Do you feel you’re being crowded out of endorsement opportunities by this gaggle of dicks?

Ricky Proehl: Jake and Kurt were great quarterbacks and I’m looking forward to playing with Peyton.

CA: Do you like Kenny Chesney?

RP: He’s not really my thing.

CA: Fuck. Then I have some bad news for you. Peyton pretty much insists on it all the time. In the locker room, on the team plane, at meetings, synched into game tapes, after sex. You know all those audibles he calls at the line? They’re Chesney lyrics. You’d better familiarize yourself in a hurry.

RP: ………

CA: Say, you’re a white guy playing a predominately black position, so I figure you can answer this for me: Whatever happened to that guy, Thicke? He had that one song a few years ago, “When I Get You Alone” and everybody thought he was Justin Timberlake with a wig on. Kinda popular with the brothers, but not really.

RP: I’m not really sure I know who you’re talking about.

CA: Well, here’s what I think: he’s not a very talented musician and he’s struggled in recent years to find a second hit song. Just crazy enough to be right, huh?

RP: Sure.

CA: CBS ABC is broadcasting A Charlie Brown Christmas this evening. What trait most makes Peyton like Charlie Brown, the self-deprecating humor through adversity, the obnoxious relatives or the big fetus head?

RP: I don’t see the connection.

CA: I’m sure you don’t. Anyway, thanks for coming, Ricky. Enjoy being the scapegoat this year when the Colts don’t go all the way.

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