KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: New York Jets

08.27.12 5 years ago 70 Comments

Unlike the previous two years, the 2011 Jets couldn’t finish the regular season just good enough to make the playoffs, only to wreak havoc once they got there. The defense can’t get pressure unless they sent the house. Oh, and their quarterback situation is – how you say? – a rusted bucket of assholes. Plus, they picked up this gadget player that ESPN can’t go the amount of time between any given commercial break without mentioning.

Five Fast Facts About The Jets:

– Bart Scott doesn’t want his kid playing football. Which makes us all wish Bart Scott had Bart Scott for a dad.

– Joe McKnight got food poisoning from an Applebee’s. It was a very neighborhood-y food poisoning, like the kind you would get from the wife of the local high school coach.

– Stephen Hill would go streaming-only on Netflix, but he just can’t take the chance that one day he’s gonna need to watch Night Shift and no one can get it to him in three business days.

– Wayne Hunter is apparently not good, according to the millions of people who will never shut up about it.

– Nine months after this picture was taken, a newborn was slapped on the ass. HARD.

Notable acquisitions: Tim Tebow, LaRon Landry, Quinton Coples, Yeremiah Bell, Stephen Hill

Notable departures: Plaxico Burress, LaDainian Tomlinson, Jim Leonhard, Mark Brunell

Vegas win total over/under: 8.5 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER


Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Mark Sanchez

El Shitbox was actually 10th in scoring among QBs in standard leagues last year. That sounds not-bad, except being the 10th fantasy QB means just being good enough to be the second- or third-worst starter in most leagues. And no one wants that. Worse still, his awfulness depreciates the value of teammate Santonio Holmes, who, despite being a fuck-up in his own way, would actually be a decent fantasy option were he on a team with a viable passing attack. Plus, depending on how much the Jets are sold on this WildJesus formation, it might eat into the increased workload promised to Shonn Greene this season.

Fan forecast, by KSK kommenter, Lord Revisisle:

The one theme which perfectly encapsulates the 2011 season of the New York Jets is regression. On the onset of the season, the Jets seemed poised to cement their place amongst the first-tier teams of the AFC, those teams which consistently make the playoffs year-in and year-out. The Jets’s ascendancy into a powerhouse, an equal to the Patriots, Ravens and Steelers, appeared certain. However, in virtually every element of the game, the quality of the Jets’s performance declined significantly from the 2009 and 2010 seasons. The offense struggled mightily to move the ball; the defense was not as stout, and the special teams was not as dynamic. The Jets started the season bold, bombastic and confident, but by season’s end were left reeling, humiliated and silenced. So to put it more bluntly, 2011 was a step in the wrong goddamn fucking direction for the Jets.

Now it’s time for the part of the article where I break down the Jets employing creative variants of the word “fuck”, “shit” and “damn”.


Holy fucking shit, the Jets’s offense was dogshit awful last season. I think it would morally, legally and ethically reprehensible for me to say anything positive about them. Nacho frequently played timid, tentative and flat. When he was not busy overthrowing the fuck out of his receivers, he was giving nice gifts to opposing defenses in the form of pick-sixes and fumbles which the defense politely recovered and returned for TDs. Speaking of the receiving corp, the Jets did not really seem to have one last season. The best thing Holmes was good for was throwing Nacho under the bus, of course he did so figuratively and not literally, so way to be a useless cunt, Santonio. Even if Nacho were capable of playing with his head out of his ass, which is itself highly optimistic, it would prove a difficult struggle to have a viable passing attack. Shonn Greene and the running game played well below expectations, and with Mark Sanchez as your QB, if you can’t run the ball, you are assfucked [go fuck yourself spell check, I’m adding “assfucked” to the dictionary]. While, there are very capable players on the OL, like a chain, an OL is only as good as its weakest link, and you are not going to have a very good OL when one of those links is made out of the shittiest naturally-occurring metal in the fucking universe, further weakened by the most corrosive goddamn rust imaginable.

So what was the organization’s grand strategy to fix these various shortcomings? How would Mike Tannenbaum alleviate the offense’s woes? Sign a competent lineman? Develop more talent at the WR? No! Trade for Timothy Richard “God’s Dick” Tebow of course! Unlike most of you, Tebowmas was not a very holly, jolly time for me, and I am dreading the day the organization decides to start him in front of Sanchez regardless of how terrible Nacho plays. So the offense looks fucked for this season.


I think the defense will probably be a top 10 defense once again, but I don’t think they can do enough to compensate for the offense’s limpdickery [clicks “Add to dictionary”]. It would be helpful if the Jets developed a natural pass rush as it seemed teams were increasingly able to successfully handle and counter Rex’s KILL KILL KILL blitzes last season than they were in the first two years of Rex’s tenure. Lastly – Jesus Motherfucking Christ – Cromartie would you kindly stop fucking up so much in the secondary?


There weren’t nearly as many explosive moments for the specials teams in 2011 as there were in 2009 and 2010 and there were quite a few moments when the special teams would do something inexcusably shitty. (Stop dropping the fucking ball on punts and kickoffs).


I have no confidence in the offense, but given the strength of the defense, and owing to the general dearth of quality teams in the AFC, maybe the Jets can squeak into a wildcat spot. But it seems more likely the Jets will remain in the second [of three] tier of the AFC until they can rebuild the offense. All defense and no offense is only successful in the SEC, and certainly not in Roger Fucking Goodell’s NFL. Hooray for mediocrity!

P.S. I’m really sorry for all the undue Jets coverage in the media that has occurred and will occur.

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