One Reader’s Lucky Day: KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag

04.09.09 9 years ago 94 Comments

Big thanks to Delmon Young (via Jimmy Traina) for bringing Jesikah’s ass to my attention.

Welcome one and all to another illuminating edition of the KSK Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. This week we advise our readers on joy of implants and the proper way to get in the pants of an honest-to-god churchgoer. Plus, it’s one reader’s lucky day, because we’re going to make his anal dreams come true!

KSK,

I’ve been a reader for some months now (Ed note: About fucking time). My girlfriend actually got me to start reading your website a while back (She sounds hot, how’s her ass?), and I must say the sex mailbag is one of the most entertaining aspects of your site (Just wait ’til football season!). Well, to shorten this a bit, my girlfriend came up with the idea that you guys would never post my letter on the site, so she made a bet with me that if you guys were to post, I could earn my brown-belt. Now I’ve never had anal before, and let me tell you, her ass is spectacular (Nice).

I was just wondering if you could help a dude out. You guys are awesome.

-Novice

Congratulations, Mr. Novice, you’re going to get your dick dirty tonight! But just for the record, it’s not like it’s all that difficult to get your letter printed in this space. If I had to guess I’d say she’s really been craving it in the ass for a while now, and this is her sly way of making it happen without begging for it. Oh, and you can thank us with pictures of this allegedly spectacular ass (just to see how she stacks up against Jesikah).

To the ayatollahs of cock n’ rolla

so i’ll start with the sex question. there’s a girl at the church i go to who is pretty damn hot. however, as its, you know, church, is there any way i can actually approach her and try to pick her up? is there a better opening line than “some jesus, huh?” and are there any warning signs that she’s going to be all “no sex before marriage” that i can see before things get too serious?

As for football, i’m a Bears fan with a legit quarterback so i’m ok with that. Granted, no receivers, but hey, we can pick up Torry Holt and Plax and then i can kill myself in frustration. For fantasy
though, how do i get my friends to give a shit? Make it pay-to-play? Make better friends?

Thanks for the help!

john

People still go to church? Adorable!

/eats Matzoh

To answer the sex question, your best bet is to use the church to your advantage. She probably feels comfortable within the confines of church related activities, leaving her guard down and giving you an opportunity to strike. Approach her at the next ice cream social, picnic, or whatever the fuck it is you gentiles get into these days and ask if she would mind giving you a guided tour of her rectory. NO WAIT! Bad idea. Instead ask her if you might take her out for a nice wholesome Sunday brunch after church sometime. There’s no way to know how she feels about sex before marriage until the subject comes up, but it can’t hurt to pray, right?

On the fantasy front, you just answered your own question twice over.

Dear Degenerates,

When my wife wakes me up with a blowjob and then straddles me the morning after a night of drinking, I can end up inside before getting an the chance to take inventory. It seems she only chooses to play sexual alarm clock when I have a bladder bursting so full I can feel the Kidney Stones generating. Is intercourse with a painfully distended stomach pleasure or pain? I could tell her to hop off but your married members know the risk to rolling the dice Wifey’s mood for letting me back into such a wetdreamlike state.

Women know what it’s like to have to piss really bad, so hopefully she’ll understand that it’s a less than pleasurable experience to have somebody straddling you at a time like that.

Quick Weed Question: The papers have run out so you empty and repack a cigarette with ganja and tobacco. Is the filter cutting into my high? How much less smoke am I getting of how much lesser quality?

Packing weed in cigarettes is great for traveling, but it’s far from ideal. While the filter probably won’t lock up all of that precious THC it’s still not recommended. My biggest problem with this process is in the papers, not the filter. Cigarette papers are designed (by devious shiteating assholes) to burn at a rapid pace, especially when they aren’t packed with the proper amount of combustibles. What you need to do is invest in a small, efficient, and relatively inexpensive glass pipe to use whenever you run out of real rolling papers (or if you’re just tired of smoking paper with your weed).

Lifelong Lions Fan. What am I supposed to think about people bitching about thier team? I have a friend from Cleveland who won’t stop crying, let alone the sob story every Bears fan gives me. I still watch the Honolulu Blue, but I feel a know-it-all urge to explain true pain to anyone who complains and it is making me an asshole in casual conversation. Any suggestions?

No, you’re pretty much fucked. Just another bonus that comes along with being a Lions fan.

Autumn Heart, Chicago IL

Spring Gallbladder, Washington DC

Gay Mafia-

Football: When the Vikings inevitably move to Industry, CA in two years and bastardize their history, name, and team colors, what are my options as a life long fan? Do i keep my allegiance with the new team, or find another? I live in Phoenix now, and despite their super bowl appearance this year (a complete aberration), there is just ZERO chance i can root for the Buzzsaw. Nor can i just get behind some winning franchise because they win a lot (I’m not a douche. Well, a total douche). I’m a lifelong Vikings fan, i know only heartbreak and disappointment…

Here’s a suggestion, quit bitching and enjoy your precious Vikings while they still exist.

Sex: I’ve known my girlfriend for five years, but have only been dating her for six months. She lives in Kansas City, and as stated above i live in Phoenix. She’s thinking about moving here in a few months, and i think it might be a good move because i actually do like her and she puts out. A lot. But if she does live here, and i move in with her… Should i be expecting a drastic change in attitude from her? She’s pretty cool about my living my own life and being independent when she’s 1200 miles away, what are the chances that stays the same way when she lives here?

-Smitty Lite

Oh yes, that change will be drastic indeed. Whether or not it’s worth it is entirely up to you.

Carmen knows a little something about quality fakes.

Hey homos,

Sex: My fairly conservative wife recently dropped a bombshell on me… after having our 2 kids suck her fun-bags dry, she’s considering getting implants. I’ve always been pro-natural, but figure I should investigate the current state of fake titties. I’ve only come in contact with one set of implants (bachelor party), and I was not impressed – too hard and un-naturally round. Have there been advances to make them softer and more naturally shaped (she’d be upgrading from a “small B” to a “healthy C”)? Are they safer now than in the past? How much is this going to set me back? (if any of the commenters have Canadian pricing that would be appreciated – no, our universal healthcare doesn’t cover that). Am I nuts to be sitting here at my desk, and not taking her to the surgeon right now?

Football: Sorry, no football question, too busy thinking about my wife’s rack (and the computer program from Weird Science.

Thanks,
Plasticurious

Well if the only fakes you’ve ever felt belonged to a trashy bachelor party stripper of course you’d be apprehensive. She probably had the surgery in the back of some guy’s van. Our collective advice: pay a premium and reap the benefits for the rest of your life. NOW.

KSK,

Let’s get the football question out of the way: Who are the best receivers after T.O. and Moss? I think Fitzgerald is definitely a top five guy, just ahead of Colston and Santana Moss. Am I wrong? This is important for a future FFL debate.

There are no important FFL debates. I think it’s safe to say that Fitty will rank ahead of TO going into this season, and it probably won’t be that close. And as much as I love Santana, I don’t see how he’s a top-five guy. Calvin Johnson, Anquan Boldin, and Reggie Wayne (among others) are all better options.

Sex question: Background info first. I’ve been dating this girl for four years. She just got out of school and left her family to move in with me in another time zone. I’m also five years older than her. I’ve never lived with a woman before, and she’s occasionally driving me crazy by doing next to no house work (laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping), among other things. She wants to get married fast. I mean, she’d elope if I asked her to. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that her desire to get hitched so fast, coupled with her apparent enthusiasm for it, makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

I would like to marry her, but her energy on this thing is kind of frightening.

Also, I’m of the mind that people should wait a long time to get married to make sure they aren’t rushing into things. I’m 27, she’s 22. Although it’s not like I can say, “hey, we’re not going to see each other anymore so I can bang some strange ass and get it all out of my system until I’m ready to be tied down!” She’s already here. So I kinda feel like I’m stuck.

I’m rambling too damn much, so I’ll just let you guys have at it.

Max. Biloxi, MS

If you aren’t ready for whatever reason then you should make that clear to her, but citing her lack of dishwashability as a reason is a very bad idea that will likely leave you alone, and possibly castrated.

Dear KSK:

What’s a normal amount for married couples to have sex? We’ve gone from a nice average of about 3 times a week, to once – only on the weekends. It’s mostly our differing schedules that’s killing the sex life. I’m often already in bed, and nearly asleep, by the time my husband gets home from work. I know he thinks it’s not worth the effort to wake me up and get me into it, and since I am mostly asleep and therefore am not initiating anything myself, we just don’t have sex. So, what I’d like to do is get myself into the mood, before he even gets home… Which leads to my question: Can you advise on porn sites designed for women? Maybe some of the regular posters (FMRA or Clare?) can help?

How high is Curry likely to go in the draft?

Sincerely,
Just a girl who wants to keep her man happy

There is no “normal” amount of sex for married people. If you aren’t happy or are concerned that he isn’t happy then you two need to figure out a way to make some time. If you really want to make him happy you’ll stay up for your man. If you happen to be watching porn and waiting for him in your sexiest outfit (skin) then you’re doing your due diligence. As for porn, try doing a Google search for “porn for women.” You’ll probably get a few (thousand) results that should come in handy. As with all other porn, the best strategy is to browse extensively.

Wartmongerers,

Sex: Thanks to the commenter who suggested manscaping as a way to initiate taintplay…I did a little work with some clippers and my shortest attachment (wait that sounds bad) as a little protection between blade and sack. My question is how one goes about shaving his balls for the first time (Very very carefully). Seems like a daunting task and furthermore, if one were to succeed, what kind of effects should he anticipate, ie awful itching?

Oh, it’s gonna itch like a motherfucker for a few days.

Football: Bears-related again. In response to who Cutler’s going to throw to, I posit that the Bears can get away with running my Madden offense. Drop passes out to Forte, 6-yard completions to TEs and a couple play-action passes where Hester burns the defense. Any objections?

Stub Lee Balls

I don’t object, although I do think that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. If you can’t stretch the field from time to time defenses will start keying on those underneath routes and then nothing will be open.

Dear Purveyors of the Perverse,

Sex, first (of course) – My wife recently gave birth to our third son. Which makes a better Breastfeeding/Motorboating snack – Girl Scout Thin Mints or Oreos? Kidding, kidding. (Those things have gotten huge again and it’s all I can do to keep my hands off ’em, though.)

Real question — Between her recent pregnancy and now chasing the other two tax write-offs around all day, you can imagine her interest in sex of any kind is pretty much null and void, right now. HOWEVER, as King of my Castle, Bringer-Home-of-the-Bacon and all around good hubby/father, I feel I shouldn’t have to go completely without some satisfaction for this long. (Last release with her was about 2 1/2 months ago). So, I ask you, how and when shall I broach the subject of a courtesy Hand or Blow Job? I’ve tried initiating a little kissing/rubbing, but she basically falls asleep the moment she hits the pillows. I don’t want to be a jackass and I do realize her day gig is much more difficult than mine, but needs are needs. Suggestions for getting a quick tug….or more.

2 1/2 months is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances. Make sure she knows you’re still attracted to her and that you have certain needs. A little bit of the old romance would probably help, and if you’re not dick about it and you’ll probably get your sweet release.

FF Question – I was fortunate enough to draft Purple Jesus 4th overall before his Rook season and am on my last keeper year with him. Due to my own ineptitude, I managed to miss the playoffs both years (finishing 5th twice) and securing the always-fun 6th draft pick in a 10-man league. My other sensible keeper appears to be Quan Boldin – but his contract status (or lack thereof) is scaring me a little. Any sense in keeping Run-DMC and hoping the Raiders figure out how to get him the ball 20 times a game? Then taking best available WR or QB at 6? Or keep PJ and Quan and take the best RB at 6?

Disrespectfully yours,
FearTheBuzzsaw

I say keep Quan and hope for the best with the sixth pick. The problem is that I have no idea who else in your league will be kept, so I don’t know what kind of player you can expect in that position.

Dear KSK:

Football:
If the over under on Plaxico’s jailtime is 1.5 years, what are you taking?

Under.

Sex:
So I’ve been banging this chick on the reg. She happens to do 2 very nice things for me: 1. do it doggy style whenever I want (my favorite position) 2. probably more importantly I never have to call her or go to dinner or any faggy shit like that, just drunken fuckin. This has been going on sometime now and I decided to request “the ass” from her, which did not go as planned. She said that this would only happen if I was her boyfriend. So do I press the issue and possibly fall into the unwanted boyfriend arena or drop it and continue to drink just enough so my dick can still get hard and call her at 4am? (Full disclousure: I have partaken in this un-Godly act a couple times before and would like to again at some point in my life.)

Regards,

Osi U.

You sound like you have little to no interest in an actual relationship with this woman, so you might want to go elsewhere for your anal pleasures. Just be forewarned, she’s not the only one that’s going to want some sort of commitment before giving you her ass. Some girls may be into casual anal, but those girls tend to come with a hepatitis warning label.

Thanks to everyone for their submissions. We’ll be back with more next week, so get your submissions together.

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