Phil Simms Is Fascinated By THE BOOK

10.07.13 4 years ago 30 Comments

Jim Nantz: If you’re just joining us, we’ve got a real barn-burner going on down here in Dallas, folks. The Cowboys have scored yet ANOTHER touchdown, and now trail Peyton Manning and the Broncos by a score of 38-33. Let’s see if they go for the two-point conversion here, and try to make it a one possession game.

Phil Simms: I’d kick the extree point here, JEEM.

Nantz: [Wishing he was Fred Couples]

Simms: If you kick the extree point, you’re still down by four. And as we all know, that’s also a one possession game.

Nantz: Well, you’re absolutely right there partner. But conventional wisdom says you go for two, so you can kick a field goal to tie. The percentages say that’s the right call here. It’s even written in THE BOOK.

Simms: What’s that, JEEM?

Nantz: THE BOOK? It’s an ages-old scroll, passed down from the glory days of yore, back when men were men, and women weren’t members at Congressional.

Simms: What’s in it, JEEM?

Nantz: Outlined within the pages of THE BOOK are all possible scoring scenarios, along with detailed instructions about when one should kick the extra point, and when one should attempt a two point conversion. Didn’t you play in the NFL for 14 years?

Simms: Sure deed, JEEM.

Nantz: You of all people should know about THE BOOK then.

Simms: I can’t read, JEEM.


Nantz: Tony Romo lines up under center and takes the snap. No one appears open, and he takes off to the left. He’s stopped JUST shy of the goal line, and Peyton Manning and the Broncos will get the ball back with a five point lead.

Simms: Deed he score, JEEM?

Nantz: As Peyton Manning gets strapped into his helmet, make sure you stay strapped in to your living room tonight to catch an ALL NEW episode of “The Amazing Race.” “The Amazing Race,” Sunday nights at 8/7 central. Only, on CBS.

Simms: Boy, I sure like to watch teevee, JEEM.

Nantz: And here comes Peyton Manning and the Broncos back on the field. Boy, what an incredible season Manning’s having at the age of 37. It’s as if time is standing still. This team is destined for something special, folks. Peyton is back to pass, IT’S UP IN THE AIR, and…it’s…picked off by Morris Claiborne at the Dallas 49.

Nantz: [Mutes mic, chokes out Simms with his blazer]

Nantz: That’s not what Peyton Manning and Broncos needed here, Phil.

Simms: Sure eesn’t. What does THE BOOK say they should do here, JEEM?

Nantz: THE BOOK doesn’t cover everything, only what to do on the point after attempt. That, and Parcells included a recipe for chilli, for some reason.

Simms: Will do, JEEM.

[Several minutes later]

Nantz: Tony Romo completes a pass to Jason Witten, and the Cowboys find themselves DEEP in Peyton Manning and the Broncos territory. Barack Obama sure has found himself in some questionable territory lately. Is he to blame for the shutdown of the United States government? Tune in to an ALL NEW episode of “60 Minutes” tonight after the game to find out. “60 Minutes.” Only, on CBS.

Simms: Is “60 Minutes” a book, JEEM?

Nantz: It’s Romo to Whitten again, and the Cowboys score another touchdown.

Nantz: [Mutes mic, pulls chair out from under Simms]

Nantz: With Dallas leading 39-38, Cowboys coach Jason Garrett will be faced with a difficult decision again.

Simms: Is he gunna read THE BOOK, JEEM?

Nantz: I would expect nothing less from a Princeton man. The guiding principles outlined within THE BOOK say the Cowboys will go for two here, meaning a field goal by Peyton Manning and the Broncos can only tie the game up.

Simms: Tin four, JEEM.

Nantz: Romo to Terrance Williams, and Dallas converts the two-point conversion.

[Mutes mic, sets a PA on fire]

Nantz: Peyton Manning and the Broncos find themselves trailing by three with just over thirteen minutes remaining. The trail is even hotter with Special Agent Gibbs on the hunt. Tune in to an ALL NEW episode of “NCIS” this Tuesday night to find out why. “NCIS.” Only, on CBS.

Simms: My old pal Mark Harmon is in that show, JEEM.

[Several minutes later]

Nantz: Well, the drive by Peyton Manning and the Broncos has stalled out, and Matt Prater trots on to try a 50 yard field goal.

Simms: What’s THE BOOK say, JEEM?

Nantz: Prater is usually solid from fifty and in. The kick is UP. And…it’s…GOOD! Peyton Manning and the Broncos have tied the game at 41-41.

Simms: Just like THE BOOK said, JEEM.

Nantz: DID YOUR MOM DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD? I, uh…see what happens when a single mom’s world is flipped upside down. By her OWN single mom! Catch an ALL NEW episode of the hit CBS comedy “Mom” tomorrow night. “Mom.” Only, on CBS.

Simms: My wife’s a mom, JEEM.

[Several minutes later]

Nantz: If you’re just joining us, we’ve got a real barn-burner going on down here in Dallas, folks. Peyton Manning and the Broncos have just answered a Dallas touchdown. On comes the kicking unit to try and tie the game up with 2:39 left on the clock.

Simms: I don’t see that in THE BOOK, JEEM.

Nantz: It’s right over here, where you spilled juice box on it.

Simms: Mum’s the word, JEEM.

Nantz: The kick is up. And…it’s…GOOD! Peyton Manning and the Broncos have tied it up yet again! You know who isn’t happy to be tied up right now? Tune in to an all new episode of the hit CBS drama “Hostages” tomorrow night to find out. “Hostages.” Only, on CBS.

Simms: Is TV Guide a book, JEEM?

Nantz: Here come the Cowboys. Romo has played a superb game today, hasn’t he Phil? I think even a quarterback the caliber of Peyton Manning has to agree with me there. Romo’s back to pass. And…it’s…INTERCEPTED!

[Mutes mic, removes slacks]

Simms: THE BOOK says you go for two here, right JEEM?

Nantz: Peyton Manning and the Broncos will just run down the clock, and give Prater a chance to kick a field goal and become the hero. If the Broncos can survive today, they won’t be without company. Tune in to an ALL NEW episode of the hit CBS reality drama “Survivor” this week, and find out who will earn the right to stay on the island another day. “Survivor.” Only, on CBS.

Simms: I ate a bug earlier, JEEM.

Nantz: Prater lines up for the field goal. Here’s the snap. The kick is UP. And…it’s…GOOD! PEYTON MANNING AND THE BRONCOS HAVE WON A REAL TEXAS SHOOTOUT AGAINST THE COWBOYS!

[Mutes mic, jumps on desk, grabs a 7-iron, pantomimes rifling down Tony Romo]

Nantz: Well, there you have it folks. One for the ages. Peyton Manning, 37 years young, doing the improbable. I’ve never seen a performance quite like it in all the years I’ve been doing this. For Phil Simms and the rest of the CBS crew, this is Jim Nantz, signing off from Deep in the Heart of Texas. We’ll see you next week.

Simms: You can put it in THE BOOK, JEEM.

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