Sergeant Coughlin Would Like To Guard Against Complacency

10.27.08 9 years ago 41 Comments

(Giants weight room)

Justin Tuck: Hey Coach McGaughey, go easy on me today. That was a rough win we had yesterday.

McGaughey: Aw, poor Tuck. Yeah, I know how tiring it gets to have a free shot at Roethlisberger on every other play.

Justin Tuck: (laughs) No joke, man! No joke! I did more running yesterday than I did in all of training camp! What do we have to do today?

McGaughey: Circuit training, my friend.

Justin Tuck: Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Circuit training? Today? I can barely fucking move, man. And you’re gonna have me running around from one damn station to the next? C’mon, man. Ease up on me. Gimme a chance to catch my breath.

McGaughey: Hey man, you know I would. Really. But circuit training today, of all days, wasn’t my idea.

Justin Tuck: Well then, whose idea was it?

(door flies open)

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING LITTLE PUKE! FUCKING TRYING TO TAKE A FUCKING DAY OFF WHEN IT’S ONLY GODDAMN OCTOBER, YOU FUCKING BAG OF QUEEFJUICE? I WILL FUCKING END YOU, YOU FUCK. I WILL FUCKING IMPREGNATE YOUR RECTUM WITH A GODDAMN CHAINSAW!

Justin Tuck: Coach, coach. It’s not like that. I wanna go out and play and prepare as hard as I can. But sometimes, you have to conserve your energy.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY? CONSERVE YOUR FUCKING ENERGY? YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT ON A STOLEN COCK! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE CONSERVING, YOU LITTLE FUCKING BALLGARGLER: ALL THAT ESTROGEN RUNNING THROUGH YOUR GODDAMN SYSTEM. YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING MAN! YOU’RE A WOMAN! WITH A PUSSY! FUCK!

Justin Tuck: Okay, okay. I’ll go through the circuit training. What’s the circuit?

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCK YOU, SON. FUCK YOU UNTIL YOUR ASSHOLE LOOKS LIKE GROUND FUCKING BEEF! YOU WILL FUCKING SPRINT TO THE 1,000 FT. ROPE CLIMBING STATION, AND THEN FUCKING SPRINT TO THE BOULDER-JUGGLING STATION, AND THEN YOU WILL FUCKING SPRINT TO THE BEAR-WRESTLING STATION, THEN YOU FUCKING SPRINT TO THE GET-PUNCHED-IN-THE-FACE-WITH-A-MALLET STATION! AND IF YOU DON’T FINISH THE CIRCUIT IN UNDER 90 SECONDS, I WILL FUCKING MAKE YOU DO IT 4 MORE TIMES, ALL ON HOT COALS! THEN I’LL TEAR YOUR MOM’S TITS OFF WITH A RAKE!

Justin Tuck: 90 seconds? That’s not even close to possible.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: SON, THAT IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 6-1 AND NOT 7-0, YOU LITTLE CUM-BATHING TWATFONDLER! WE ARE THE FUCKING LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THIS LEAGUE RIGHT NOW! I AM FUCKING EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU! I WILL PULL YOUR FORESKIN OVER YOUR FUCKING HEAD!

ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU’RE FUCKING HAPPY WITH SIX AND FUCKING ONE? I’M NOT! I WILL PULL YOUR EYES OUT WITH A GODDAMN IUD! I WILL PULL OUT YOUR TONGUE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PUSSYHOLE! IN FACT, WE’RE GONNA DO EXTRA TRAINING! YOU’RE GONNA DIG A POOL IN MY YARD, YOU FUCK! A FUCKING OLYMPIC SWIMMING POOL!

Justin Tuck: All right, already. I’ll do the training, sir. (mumbles) Asshole.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! YOU LITTLE TAINTLICKING COCKWORKER! GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WIN A FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP? TOO BUSY HAVING BOAT ANCHORS PULLED OUT OF YOUR ASS DOWN IN THE VILLAGE? DIE! DIE! YOU AREN’T FIT FOR FUCKING COMBAT! YOU’RE ONLY FIT TO RAPE DOGS! AND GIVE THEM DOGHERPES! YOU DOGHERPES-GIVING DOGFUCKER!

Justin Tuck: I’m sorry, sir. I’ll get right on the training. No lie.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: AND REMEMBER TO GET IT DONE IN 60 SECONDS, OR I WILL SHOWER YOU WITH MY ACID PISS!

Justin Tuck: You said 90 seconds before.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCKING CUNTRAG! 90 SECONDS MEANS 60 SECONDS, WHICH MEANS 10 SECONDS! WHY HAVEN’T YOU FINISHED THE CIRCUIT YET?! YOU FUCKING BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF TUCK, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH WITH A BIG BLACK COCK! YOU HEAR ME, FUCKWAGON?! FUCK!

Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.

(Coughlin leaves)

McGaughey: Boy, he’s pretty upbeat for a Monday.

Justin Tuck: I was just gonna say that.

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