A Slightly Unhinged Power Ranking Of 4th Of July Cookout Foods


Ah, the Fourth of July! A time that should be spent with friends and family in the backyard, grilling meats and playing in the pool. Or on the beach, watching fireworks explode across the night sky. Or in the ER, after an illegal Roman Candle that you bought in Indiana takes the tip of your thumb off.

It was just your dominant hand though. You’ll be fine.

Fourth of July is about knocking back cold ones and eating ice cream at parades. It’s a day you dress up in red, white, and blue and try to steal the Declaration of Independence, Nic Cage style. Most of all, it’s a day to celebrate our great nation’s freedom. Like isn’t it great that we have free speech? Like that any total f*cking idiot can tweet whatever sexist, reckless, or insanely insecure thing he wants and not lose his job? We’re pretty lucky that way, as a nation.

Not-so-subtle jokes aside, this nation is a wonderful place and on July 4th I celebrate all of the things that make it great (while keeping up the fight against the portion of the population who wants to Handmaid’s Tale us). We are, at the end of the day, a nation that values inclusivity, diversity, freedom of religion, the freedom of the press, and the power of people to enact real change in the world. So let’s rally around those qualities while eating BBQ.

At this time in American history, when nuanced conversation is vital, it’s worth noting that there are superb grilling choices and THERE ARE UNARGUABLY WRONG ONES. Luckily, you have us to tell you which is which, in this July 4th, Cookout Foods Power Ranking!

Our ranking system today will be “The handsome dummy who thinks he knows how to grill, but is actually just serving everyone wet, cold, raw meat”

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12. Fish

I’m going to ask this as calmly as I can. Who. Brought. The. Fish. To. This. Barbecue? Who looked at an evite that said, “We’ll have hamburgers and hotdogs, but bring anything else you want to throw on the grill!“And thought that meant you could bring a fucking branzino and toss it the fuck on for me to cook like I’m your personal chef, Rachel Fucking Ray?

Hmm? Anyone? Anyone going to step up here and TELL ME WHOSE FISH THIS IS?

Here’s some advice: In a BBQ evite to someone else’s home, when it says “anything else you want” it means chicken. It means veggie skewers. It means a couple of g**d*mn potatoes wrapped in tinfoil you crazy asshole. How long am I supposed to cook this for? No really? Is there a recipe you’d like me to follow? Is there a 30-minute Martha Stewart youtube video I can watch to learn how to prepare this thing WHILE EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY STARVES? There are 30 fucking people here. Hungry people. And I’m supposed to fillet you up your personal fucking fish that’s still in the brown paper from Whole Foods?

Rating: 1 handsome dummy that no one seems to know standing at the grill. Who brought him here? Is he single? Oh, he wants to feed me a piece of steak from a skewer. Okay, um, yeah, put it in my mouth.

Oh. Oh god. That’s raw. That’s completely raw. The grill…. it’s not….on? Why is he? Why is he flipping things? He has to see that there’s no heat coming out. Right? RIGHT? He’s just smiling at me blankly. I’m gonna back away. He’s not blinking….he….I’m starting to think that no one brought him.