A Slightly Unhinged Power Ranking Of 4th Of July Cookout Foods

07.04.18 1 year ago 34 Comments


Ah, the Fourth of July! A time that should be spent with friends and family in the backyard, grilling meats and playing in the pool. Or on the beach, watching fireworks explode across the night sky. Or in the ER, after an illegal Roman Candle that you bought in Indiana takes the tip of your thumb off.

It was just your dominant hand though. You’ll be fine.

Fourth of July is about knocking back cold ones and eating ice cream at parades. It’s a day you dress up in red, white, and blue and try to steal the Declaration of Independence, Nic Cage style. Most of all, it’s a day to celebrate our great nation’s freedom. Like isn’t it great that we have free speech? Like that any total f*cking idiot can tweet whatever sexist, reckless, or insanely insecure thing he wants and not lose his job? We’re pretty lucky that way, as a nation.

Not-so-subtle jokes aside, this nation is a wonderful place and on July 4th I celebrate all of the things that make it great (while keeping up the fight against the portion of the population who wants to Handmaid’s Tale us). We are, at the end of the day, a nation that values inclusivity, diversity, freedom of religion, the freedom of the press, and the power of people to enact real change in the world. So let’s rally around those qualities while eating BBQ.

At this time in American history, when nuanced conversation is vital, it’s worth noting that there are superb grilling choices and THERE ARE UNARGUABLY WRONG ONES. Luckily, you have us to tell you which is which, in this July 4th, Cookout Foods Power Ranking!

Our ranking system today will be “The handsome dummy who thinks he knows how to grill, but is actually just serving everyone wet, cold, raw meat”

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Who's ready for the 4th of July?! 😍🇺🇸💥

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