If you grew up in the ’90s, now is your time. The time capsule has been opened and a new generation is sifting through your fashion and culture castaways — mixing and matching and making old new again. But while crop tops, choker necklaces, and even overalls are inching back, some things just can’t be allowed to return. Sorry Big Dog T-shirts and hemp jewelry, rest in peace on the garbage pile of best forgotten sartorial choices.
While ’90s babies are technically millennials, there’s a clear difference between millennials born in the ’80s and their younger, semi-contemporaries. Many millennials will remember the jelly shoes and matching shirt/short sets while others can’t fathom trends like shiny puffy coats and sweater vests.
Bro, do you even JNCO?
Let’s spritz on some CK One, take a walk down memory lane, and pray that through education, we can ensure these trends never come back.
Super Wide Leg Jeans
There was a certain point in history when it was “in” for wannabe skater boys to wear JNCO jeans that had a 50-inch leg opening. This was about as practical as a superhero in a cape. While many rue the day that skinny jeans entered our lives, this other extreme may have been even worse.
Sadly, the battle has already been lost — JNCO jeans are back.
Unfortunately, these high waisted monstrosities are still spotted from time to time these days. While simultaneously making your butt look bigger while also like a pancake, there are very few who can pull these off with their heads held high. There’s nothing wrong with getting jeans that fit, people.
Everyone wants to identify with their favorite sports team and you also want to stay warm in the winter — a Starter Jacket accomplished both of these things with, maybe, a little more flare than was needed. But hey, it was the ’90s, Corbin Bernsen was a Starter pitchman, and no one knew sh*t about being understated.
If the fedora is the current d-bag hat of choice, its ’90s equivalent was definitely the bucket hat. Please, never come back to us, you horrible, shapeless blob. If we must resurrect a ’90s look that appeared in the New Radicals’ “Get What You Give” video, let’s all rally behind the Suburban Cowgirl.
Be they denim, sweater, leather, or patterned, vests were all the rage in the ‘90s. Blame 90210, Friends, and Jordan Catalano for tricking us into thinking that this was a sexy look. It just wasn’t. Everyone looked like premature grandpas or toll booth attendants.
“Could Chandler’s vest BE any more ridiculous?”
There’s a whole generation that doesn’t know their Jonathan Taylor Thomases from their Taylor Hansons, so they have no idea that this was once the teen idol’s go to. May we never return to that dark and uncertain time, especially when the bowl was parted in the middle.
Are you ’90s Gwen Stefani? Are you actually at a rave? No? Then never leave the house wearing glow sticks, neon baby-T-shirts, and angel wings.
If you didn’t smell like a baby prostitute and shine like the literal sun, you just weren’t fully ’90s. Kylie Jenner has been bringing back the crop tops and cornrows of the ’90s, so hopefully she won’t revive the herpes of cosmetics as well. The fact that these are still being marketed to children is more than a little distressing.
Spider Comb Headbands, Scrunchies, and Butterfly Clips
Any girl who grew up in the ’90s remembers the battle that was waged every day against strange hair products. In this era of Pinterest boards and video tutorials, let’s hope that some naive YouTuber doesn’t accidentally summon these torture devices back into the public forum. Let’s leave them in the past with Delia’s (RIP).
Jerry Seinfeld nailed it.
The ’90s just didn’t know what to do with denim. While midi skirts are making a comeback, these awkward and frumpy skirts did no one any favors. Preferred nowadays by Kim Davis types, these skirts aren’t your fashion friend, especially if it has buttons all the way down the front.