Amazon Prime Day is in full swing! Right now, some of you are delightedly thinking about the rad purchases you scored. Others, are curled up in a ball sobbing because you didn’t realize how stressful this would be. (All you wanted was a waterproof mattress cover for cheap. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?????? WHY DOES NOTHING EVER WORK OUT FOR YOU?) So as we either celebrate or allow the Prime Day stress to spiral us into a sea of self pity from which we may never escape, we thought everyone could use a break. Sure, there are a lot of big deals to check out. But what about the smaller, stranger items that Amazon wants to give us the pleasure of owning? Where is their day in the sun? Well, here you go. These are the very weirdest items up for purchase (that we not only want you to know about but to buy…immediately).
“Look how stupid the drinking horn is!” I exclaimed to my friends when this arrived on my door step late one night in the middle of a thunder storm. There was a flash of lightning and then a boom at the door. I opened it to find a plain, brown genuine leather box. Strangely, it had my name on it, but no address. Inside was Das Horn, glowing, magnificently. “Who got this for me?” I asked to blank stares. “What a funny gag gift!”
Still nothing from my friends, who now looked confused. So I filled it with lager, and chugged a beer like an old timey viking. “I’m just like a Viking king!” I bellowed.
When I awoke, I was wearing leather and fur. And I was on a Viking boat. Everyone spoke old Norse, and it was just like I was Claire Fraser from Outlander except instead of a rugged, epic love story, I was married off to a frightening Viking man named Vangard the Terrible who loves nothing more than pillaging, setting towns on fire, and smells exactly like horse feces. Everyday I pray for some sort of release from the torture, for someone to free me from the horrific time that I live in now. But alas, I fear I am stuck here for all eternity. “WHY?? Why must I suffer through this curse??? DEAR GOD WON’T SOMEONE SAVE ME?” I scream into the void every night before falling asleep through my exhausted tears.
However, if you like time travel, it makes a really nice purchase or gift. Would cautiously recommend.
We can see many reasonable, tasteful, professional uses that this can be put to. Really. We aren’t exclusively assuming that this will be used to perform black market alley endoscopies. Nope. I don’t think anyone would place this waterproof camera up their butt. People are extremely reasonable. And would never use a product named “endoscope” for anything inappropriate and/or dangerous. Never.
We have nothing against the noble beanbag chair, but we really want to know the thought process on naming this giant skin-colored squishy object — the “Cozy Sack.”
“Welcome to my my humble abode. Please make yourself at home! Perhaps by sitting on my cozy sack. It’s a bit big, but feel free to squish or punch it until you’ve gotten it into exactly the shape you desire. Your comfort and pleasure is what my sack is for! Why, I myself, spend much of my time with my cozy sack. It’s quite soft, I can assure you of that! The kids? Oh yes. The children especially love my sack! They beg for me to pull my sack out for movie nights or lazy Sundays! It really has served me well. My cozy sack really makes me popular with the WHOLE family.”
Look, I’m not a fancy person. I’m the kind of person who goes to gourmet sandwich shops with David Brooks and shrieks in fear at all the big sandwich words. I’m simple.
So maybe that’s why I can’t understand why a human being would need a three watch winder for the insane price of $1400 dollars (Now on sale for $538….what a deal?). But really…I’m having a hard time getting it. How many watches do you need to wind at one time? I thought maybe only watch store owners were buying this, but….the reviews are all regular people just thrilled to finally have a quality three watch winder at their disposal for the presumably dozens of watches they wind a day. Who are these folks? AND WHERE CAN I FIND THEM SO I CAN ASK THEM ABOUT ALL OF THEIR CRAZY WATCH LIFESTYLE CHOICES?
You know when you want to wear satin gloves to a formal occasion and/or sex dungeon, but at the same time know that if you do your upper hand will get too hot? And you’ll start sweating in front of the queen or the guy wearing the leather mask with the whip and be mortified? Well, worry no more. These gloves give you breathing room right where you need it. A two inch patch of skin right above your wrist. ALL OUR PROBLEMS HAVE BEEN SOLVED.
Yas Kween! Everybody knows that the man drinks beer, and is the king of his castle. My husband takes that very seriously, and used to constantly threaten to behead me and pick a new queen. But now I’m producing him a male heir SO IT’S ALL GOOD. He’ll love these now that he’s put away his beheading ax.
Make sure everybody who comes over knows that you are the King and Queen of your domain with these super stylish drinking glasses that reviewers say are “very sturdy”, “expensive looking”, and “perfect to give as a wedding gift”. Which is something I would for sure recommend. Why buy off the registry when there are perfectly good king and queen drinking glasses on sale, waiting for you on Amazon? It’s just more thoughtful.