Did you know that the government is run by lizard people, that aliens have been hovering above us in mile-long spaceships for centuries, that the earth is literally hollow (and flat), and that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams? If so, you’ve probably had a hard time finding a date — particularly if you’ve recently switched up your diet to remove all things acidic and now smell like iron shavings.
Perhaps you even worry that you’ll never find that special someone to spoon while discussing what The Bilderberg Group is really doing in Antarctica. Well, cover those fears with tinfoil and stick them in the fridge, because all your troubles — except the nagging question of whether there really was a second shooter on the grassy knoll — are about to vanish.
Here’s the thing: OkCupid and Tinder are great for a quick connection. But if you’re someone who considers themselves “awake” (The Daily Dot points out that this means being “awake” to the reality that the world’s troubles are caused by people in power worshiping the devil/Saturn) then you’re going to have a little bit of difficulty getting your Netflix & Chill on when all you really want to do is watch is a badly-edited YouTube video. Enter Awake Dating, a site that will happily match you with people who have pulled back the curtain, know the truth, and will never ever vaccinate their children because they’re willing to believe one man who’s had his medical license taken away and now lectures on cruise ships.
Anyway, here’s the radio ad, which will hopefully explain everything you need to know about the premise of Awake Dating in a horribly catchy way that you’ll never be able to get out of your head (like those Kars4Kids commercials):
Catchy, right? And if you’re scratching your head wondering whether there’s truly a market for this sort of thing, you only need to head on over to The David Icke forums to note that people have been begging for a site such as this since 2013. Until now, truthers had to list their belief that Beyonce was never actually pregnant it as an “interest” on mainstream dating apps and risk being mocked by the sheeple.
[Jarrod] Fidden says he and his wife started waking up about two years ago, but he’s aware what a lonely experience the process can be. “Knowing and discussing ‘socially inconvenient conclusions’ distances one from most everyone who has yet to engage in their own research,” he says. “Your family, former friends, and colleagues will prefer to brand you as ‘cracked’ for speaking what you perceive as truths.” Therefore, he believes there is a deep need for a service like Awake Dating, which allows users to post their beliefs and interests free of judgment.
The site’s currently in beta and has very few users — less than 1,000 in the New York Area and considerably fewer when you start narrowing down sexual preferences — but it’s catching on. According to users The Daily Dot spoke to during their investigation of the site, people are excited to start dating people who won’t judge them for beliefs that may seem “out there” and are happy to date others who know that their beliefs extend past the lamestream norms.
Of course, with such fervent beliefs come some problems, like the fears that a writer at The Daily Dot is actually a secret Marxist:
The awakened come with some preconceived notions about the mainstream, too, however. While reporting on Awake Dating, I was accused of working for a place that has a “culturally Marxist” bias. I was sent flyers and emails attempting to recruit me into fighting the New World Order. I was told that men have it difficult in our feminized society. I was asked to watch the alien-conspiracy flick They Live, because it may be more documentary than fiction.
But there’s also something that the people at Awake Dating have that others don’t: a forum where they can truly be open about exactly what they do and don’t believe in. Just signing up makes it clear to others on the site that you’re going to have some interesting notions about the world, and there’s less of a chance that someone who’s a prepper will judge you for believing that Beyonce’s a member of the Illuminati or an actual demon (Bey attracts a lot of conspiracy theories).
It’ll be interesting to see if the site opens up channels of dialogue between groups that may have little overlap or whether it will create an “awake hierarchy” where some people are seen as legit while others are dismissed for having beliefs that are so out there that they’re going to need to form TrulyAwakeDating in order to find love.
As long as everyone’s happy (and fighting the lie that the moon is real), right?