Life

Chicago Welcomes Donald Trump With These Teeny-Weenies

Wiener’s Circle is a wonderful restaurant utopia in Lincoln Park, Chicago. As their website states, the charming eatery is notorious for four things: Chicago-style hot dogs, hamburgers, cheese fries, and the mutual verbal abuse between employees and customers. If you’re in the Chi, it’s a place everyone knows — where customer service turns into a full roast. Wiener’s Circle’s brutal atmosphere is well documented on television, and social media with celebrities and regular people alike eager to share their survival tales.

In light of Tuesday’s upcoming primary election in Illinois, Wiener’s Circle has released a series of very clever hot dog specials to make Trump feel at home when he arrives (wink, wink).

The specials poke fun at comments made earlier in the campaign trail by very-junior United States Senator Marco Rubio. After being labeled by Trump as “little Marco,” the Senator responded by reciting what appeared to be a well-practiced stand-up bit, eagerly criticizing Trump’s orange skin and relatively small hands. BURN!

Trump responded on national television, guaranteeing viewers there is “no problem” with the size of his hands or the implied size of his manhood.

To remind you, this is a PRESIDENTIAL candidate. As in THE PRESIDENT of the United States. Not the captain of your football team, or the queen of your girl gang, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Those tiny-ass hands want to hold the nuclear codes.

Of all things to come out of these petty insults, the best by far has to be Wiener’s Circle’s 3-inch hot dog specials. They’re called “Trump Footlongs,” and mock Trump campaign signs at the establishment read, “Trump Footlongs: Make Wieners Great Again.” Wiener’s Circle is also serving “The Trump Package,” which comes with two mini dogs and the “Super PAC,” which comes with four mini dogs.

Wiener’s Circle has ironically adopted Trump’s business style. On their Facebook page, they tell customers, “We’ve got the best weekend deals. The other guys, think they make deals. But we make DEALS. Really spectacular.” This is uncanny. Not only can you hear Donald Trump saying this, but Wiener’s Circle has managed to capture Trump’s roundabout way of talking about something without actually talking about it. WHAT ARE THE DEALS? TELLS US WHAT THESE DEALS WILL LOOK LIKE!

Unlike Trump’s political policies, Wiener’s Circle follows through and will offer these very tangible, well-thought out deals from Friday though Sunday. Should you choose to partake, be prepared to defend yourself.

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