If there was ever to be an international capital of capitalism, wealth, and exorbitant spending, it would be Dubai. On Tuesday of this week, Dubai Parks and Resorts unveiled a plan to erect a $2.8 billion theme park that will include a LEGOLAND park, a Taj Mahal-inspired theatre, and other attractions that are sure to blur the lines between fantasy, reality, and magic mushroom-infused hallucinations. Cinematic conglomerates like Dreamworks, Sony, and Lionsgate are contributing to Dubai’s wet dream of fantastical sensory overload, and certainly, with this much power and money being pumped into the project, the tagline or motto should be something like: “Dubai — stay for the cool stuff, and leave because your brain just imploded from too much sh*t going on.”
Seriously, just how ridiculous can Dubai get? It already looks like a psychedelic web of neon dicks from space, so just imagine what it’s going to look like after almost $3 billion worth of entertainment is pumped into it. Not all of the attractions have been announced yet, but here’s two that we’re looking forward to…
The Diamond Dust Dangle of Doom: F*ck water. This log flume plunges you into a rushing rapid of diamond dust that accumulates into your lungs during the primary descent. Those who make it out alive receive the bountiful pleasure of coughing the valuable dust into a silken sack, which they can then pawn off to awaiting vendors for solid-gold AK-47s.
Weigh Steven Spielberg’s Penis: In this joyful experience, you must lay Spielberg’s wang in a velvet sling and guess its weight in ounces. Get it wrong, and an E.T. doppelgänger pokes his finger into your eye while saying, “couch.” (Spielberg is not giving up the rights to “ouch.”) Get it right, and Spielberg officially knights you with a ceramic likeness of his penile, and forever you’ll be christened “Stefan SpielNERD.” The real joy here, though, is handling a legendary schwang.
(Note: A third new attraction that allegedly will feature Keira Knightly’s teeth and Kirsten Stewart’s forehead doing battle in a 4-D animated experience has been temporarily put on hold until K.K.’s molars figure out a better contractual stipend.)
It remains to be seen if these attractions will make the final cut, but we can only hope.