The Calgary Flames absolutely demolished the Florida Panthers 6-0 on Wednesday night, but the most important highlight of the night came just behind the Panthers bench when one Flames fan committed an act so horrific that it needs to be addressed.
A grown-ass man — nay, a grown-ass monster — dunked a hot dog in nacho cheese.
As cameras showed Florida assistant coach Mike Kelly during a break in the action, they also captured two Flames fans colluding in the act of terrorism. One of the men held a plate of nachos, the other a hot dog. The hot dog was dunked in the the steaming pool of nacho cheese, then consumed as a (presumably) horrified audience was forced to watch.
First of all, Hot Dog Dude is obviously the true monster here, but let us not let the other man off the hook. It took two willing participants to allow this to unfold, and Nacho Man is just as responsible. To not only condone Hot Dog Dude staking claim to his nacho cheese without any resistance or hesitation, but also pretend like it’s a completely normal thing to do, is absolute insanity. This would have been the perfect time to drop that horrible “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?” joke.
But, honestly, this is just a matter of respecting your food. This hot dog deserved better. Those nachos deserved better. Both hot dogs and nachos are good, tasty foods that deserve — no, they command — your utmost respect.
There aren’t a lot of things that people shouldn’t put on their hot dogs. Hot dogs are a versatile food that works well with a lot of different twists, which is part of the reason they are so great. (Sidebar: People who complain about ketchup on hot dogs are generally bad people. If you act like you’re above putting ketchup on a hot dog, I don’t have time for you and you better not show your face at any of my cookouts.)
But condiments and toppings go ON hot dogs. A hot dog is not a dunking food. It is good enough on its own that you don’t need to drown it in garbage to make your experience enjoyable. And nacho cheese, as trash as it is, is reserved for nachos. It’s in the name, people. It was designed for that arena. It’s not a condiment, nor should it be a dunking sauce for anything other than nachos. Dunking a hot dog in nacho cheese isn’t ingenious or heroic, it’s barbaric and irresponsible.
Although I’m still inexplicably angry over this vile act, I’ve said my peace. Now, it’s up to you whether you want to proclaim this man a champion or a monster.