Once upon a time, I was a Girl Scout. I wasn’t very good at it, mind you. Cookie season was the worst. I hated going door to door— in my souped-up imagination, I was peddling my wares to unwilling buyers who just felt sorry for me. You can be honest with me, I’d plead with my eyes. You can tell me to leave. It’s okay. I’ll be okay.
Now that I’m an adult, my perspective on the situation has changed. Come cookie season, I watch like a hawk for any green-vested girl standing outside my local grocery store. I’ve been known to chase after Scouts pulling box-filled wagons behind them. In short, if there’s one piece of advice I could give to my younger self, it would be this: They want your cookies. They really do.
Of course, not all Girl Scout cookies are created equal. If anything should tell us this, it’s all the fiery online debates that revolve around convincing others that Samoas really are better than Thin Mints.
Last year, we gave you a full Girl Scout Cookie power ranking — which is worth revisiting both for the content and the wisdom in the comments. Little pieces of life advice like this from Yeah Right can improve your cookie-eating experience vastly:
This year, we decided to classify the cookies as middle-school archetypes. Because, come on: When they’re not hawking their sugar-filled goods, Girl Scouts are just as entrenched in middle-school drama as any other tween. Here goes:
Thin Mints: That Popular Girl Who’s So Perfect You Want To Hate Her, But So Nice That You Can’t
If a box of Thin Mints were a person, she’d be the student council president, first chair violin in the orchestra, the track team star, and ridiculously, super friendly. You want to hate Thin Mints, you really do. You want to deviate from popular opinion. “They’re not that dippable because of the waxy chocolate layer on the outside,” you say. “They’re overrated.” And then you take a couple, because they’re there, and you realize that you can’t deny it any longer: They’re just that good.
Caramel deLites/Samoas: That Punk Rock Kid Who Used To Put Coke Tabs In His Spiked Hair And Is Now Embracing The Hipster Movement
This kid is kind of hard to figure out at first. He comes off confusing, but you’re inexplicably drawn to him (even if you can’t really say why). That’s what it’s like eating Samoas when you’re a kid. They give you a headache because they’re so chewy, and they’re a confusion of coconut and chocolate and cookie and caramel, and you don’t even like coconut flakes, and yet you’re still eating them. Over and over and over.
Shortbread/Trefoils: The Girl In The Front Row Who Spends Her Saturdays Studying
This girl is a future valedictorian with all the studying and test ace-ing she does, but to be honest she’s never really excited you (even though she’s your grandma’s favorite). She’s just too inside-the-box for your taste. Trefoils are the same way. They’re one-note: just sort of buttery-sweet, and that’s it. Sure, they’re nice with milk or tea, but would anyone really notice if they were scratched off the list?
Cranberry Citrus Crisps: The New Girl Who’s All Artistic And Cool And Sort Of A Hippie, But In A Good Way
She just sort of appeared in homeroom one day and no one really knows who she is, but everyone’s waiting to find out. She walks around school in her own world, wearing long, flowey skirts and drinking kombucha. And she always has a smudge of charcoal or paint on her face. That’s Cranberry Citrus Crisp for you. Me, I’m waiting to try out the whole-grain, naturally-sweetened cookie, too.
Peanut Butter Patties/Tagalongs: The Slightly-Pudgy Kid With A Great Sense Of Humor Who Is Genuinely Liked By All
Like the cookie, his peanut-butter belly sticks out just a little bit. But he’s so hilariously offbeat that no one cares. From his impressions of your crazy social-studies teacher to the picture he drew in MS Paint during typing class, this guy is sort of the highlight of your day.
As for the cookie, how could you not love it? It’s a cookie, topped with peanut butter, dipped in chocolate. A clear, calorific winner.
Do-si-dos/Peanut Butter Sandwich: The Ridiculously Thin Cross Country Runner Whose Mom Sometimes Brings Him An Extra Lunch
You like this kid—a lot. But at the same time, he’s sort of wrapped up in his own world, worried about protein intake and PR’s and keeping his sugar low so it doesn’t affect his performance. These days, if you Google stalk him (because he’s not on Facebook), you’ll find out that he’s an MD who’s done his time in Doctors Without Borders. Of course.
Point being: He’s as wholesome as this cookie, with its oaty exterior and not-too-sweet peanut butter interior. Which is great and all, but not necessarily something you crave.
Rah-Rah Raisins: Your Nature-Obsessed Best Friend
Look, she’s great. But sometimes she can be a little, well…over the top. About the woods behind her house, about tracking birds, about going on long hikes through the state park an hour away. She keeps trail mix with her wherever she goes, and for some reason, she’s never able to finish her Halloween candy, so you get to finish it for her.
That’s this cookie: whole grain, with oatmeal, raisins, and chunks of greek yogurt candies. It’s great, it really is, it’s just… where are the Samoas agin? They were so much more exciting.
Thanks-A-Lot: The Girl Who Always Spends Her Study Hall Volunteering And Gives Exchange Students Tours Of The School
Go, her. You could never be that generous and kind, but then again, you’re not a Thanks-a-Lot. A heartily likable combination of a cookie with its bottom half dipped in chocolate and its top half stamped with the phrase “Thank You” in one of six different languages, you know you can’t go wrong.
You also know that there are more exciting cookies out there…but you appreciate that this one is so solidly ingratiating.
Lemonades: The Kid Who Spent A Month In England Visiting Her Aunt And Now Insists On Taking Tea Every Afternoon
She’s always been a fan of frilly dresses and the color pink; now, after her summer abroad, she’s turned into a genuine Anglophile. She asks for chips whenever the cafeteria serves fried fish and talks about Will and Kate like they’re her chums. All your friends wish she would drop that fake British affectation she pretends to have picked up. Come tea time, though, she’s the most popular girl in the room. After all, no one can resist a lemon-dipped shortbread cookie, especially not if it’s got lemon wedges imprinted on it, and especially not if there’s tea to go with it.
If you want debate, this cookie might seem pretentious, but it’s underrated.
Savannah Smiles: The Quiet, Dimpled Kid Who Just Transferred From Georgia
He’s got a charming drawl and his mom packs him meals like fried chicken and okra or shrimp and grits. But at the same time, he’s sweeter than a lemon cookie dipped in powdered sugar. And you like him. You hope he stays around for a long time.
Collateral damage: This cookie will make you drop the lemonades you were just so hyped on pretty quickly.
Toffee-tastic & Trios: The Table Of Kids Whose Moms Pack Them Organic, Allergen-Free Lunches
Once upon a time, they tried to trade food with you. Until their moms sent a notice around to the whole school that they were expressly forbidden to food-swap — and now know one gets to (and you all had to do Epi-Pen training).
These days, they all sit together, trade among themselves and insist that their rice-flour sandwiches with cold-pressed almond butter and sugar-free strawberry puree taste just as good as your boring PB&J.
Who cares what’s in these cookies? They’re gluten-free. Buh-bye.
Want to order your cookies online? You can do so here.
Disagree with everything we’ve said? Give us hell in the comments!