Forget Polar Bears, Now Global Warming Is Messing With Our Sex Lives!

Despite what most hot tub/sauna-based pornography would have you believe, there is nothing particularly steamy about steamy sex. In fact, according to a recent report from The National Bureau of Economic Research, rising temperatures caused by climate change are lowering birth rates. Or, in slightly less scientific parlance: It’s getting too hot to bone.

As reported by Bloomberg:

Three economists studied 80 years of U.S. fertility and temperature data and found that when it’s hotter than 80 degrees [Fahrenheit], a large decline in births follows within 10 months…An extra “hot day” (the economists use question marks with the phrase) leads to a 0.4 percent drop in birth rates nine months later, or 1,165 fewer deliveries across the U.S. A rebound in subsequent months makes up just 32 percent of the gap.

But despite the economic pitfalls of a decreased population (China recently abandoned its controversial “one-child policy” to combat just such a possibility), the fact remains that less humans would translate into less population, fewer emissions, and a healthier planet. So maybe the planet is self-correcting?

Another Theory

Perhaps the planet is heating up as a defense mechanism because humans think sweaty sex is icky. What if Mother Gaia is protecting herself by reducing the human population? If this theory proves true, it will be the greatest M. Night Shyamalan twist ending of all time when The Happening proves to be a more accurate climate change portrayal than An Inconvenient Truth.

Of course, we could always just run the air conditioner and solve the declining birth rate problem that way. But that would only increase pollution, and speed up our inevitable destiny of dusty post-apocalyptic hellscapes… still, at least we’ll be able to enjoy sex at pleasant temperatures in the meantime.

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