The middle of July is a desperate time. On one hand, it’s hot and you want to do anything to avoid the sun’s angry rays. On the other, it’s also a reminder that summer’s halfway gone and that the opportunities to take a day off and go to the beach are becoming more and more scant. And so you message all your friends, load up the car with cloth chairs and coolers and decide to really take advantage of the ocean or the pool or whatever river is closest to your city. And you feel really great about that decision until you arrive at your destination and find that everyone had the same idea as you. And then (if you’re anything like me), you fall to your knees on the hot sand (or concrete, if it’s a public pool) and curse the gods for giving you the ability to have ideas in the first place.
No more. Now all your dreams of having a private beach, private pool, or any other private body of water and accompanying strip of land have been realized. And all it’s going to cost you is $50. Because that’s exactly how much a Guy Fieri swimsuit from Beloved Shirts will cost you. (There’s also the small matter of your dignity and your soul, but you’ll agree that these are but a small price to pay for unblocked ocean views.)
Much like Beloved’s other monstrosity, a suit that gives anyone with extra money and no sense of common decency a flabby white chest and back covered in hair, this suit is both full-color and double-sided. Anyone under the false impression that they’ll be able to escape Fieri’s demonic leer as soon as you turn over will only suffer a rude awakening and a dull and unrelenting desire to visit the nearest TGIFriday’s as quickly as possible. They’ll run screaming from the beach and you’ll lay back, enjoy the cool water, and try to forget that the suit’s designed in such a way that Fieri’s beard is supposed to simulate pubic hair.