A Visual Tour Of Hawaii — The ‘Anti-Travel Ban’ State

With the news that a federal judge in Hawaii is putting the kibosh on President Trump’s second and not at all xenophobic attempt on a travel ban, people are taking to twitter to call for a boycott on travel to The Aloha State and to insist that they definitely didn’t want to go to Hawaii anyway.

And why would they? It’s literal Hell on Earth. Check out this patriot, who canceled a two week trip:

Or this person whose eyes are open. Why would we want to travel to Hawaii, the ugliest place on the planet? Or trust a judge who graduated from Harvard, the dumbest school anyone can think of?

And then there’s this guy who suggests we all go to Florida instead of Hawaii. Which is smart because Tampa is more beautiful than the ugly beaches of Hawaii could ever be. And what about Mar-a-Lago? One fancy dinner and you might even be given a cabinet position!

Look, there are lots of places in America much prettier than Hawaii. Instead of going to a place filled with lush forests, brilliant blue water, and tons of tropical flowers, why not go on a Segway tour of Cleveland? What we’re saying is that there are lots of places nicer to vacation than Hawaii, guys. Have you fully seen Omaha yet?

So to make us all feel better about having to cancel our trips to the “alo-ha-ppens…to be filled with losers!” state, we compiled this list of the absolute UGLIEST places to see in the dreary island chain. Seriously, don’t waste your time!

1. Na Pali Coast State Park

It’s a good thing this disgusting state park is filled with cliffs because if I had to visit this light-filled paradise, I’d jump off them! Seriously: I would rather be blinded with a hot poker than ever look upon this horrible place.

2. Glass Beach

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So now we’re supposed to go to a beach filled with garbage? Why not just send your kids into the dumpster behind Denny’s with a bucket and tell them to go to town? Gross.

3. Honokohau Falls

You need a helicopter to even see these lackluster, bright green hills filled with spectacular waterfalls. If I want to see the world up high and feel like I have the wings of an angel, I’ll just drink a six pack of Red Bull while sitting on the roof of a Burger King, thank you very much. They just repainted the parking lot and it comes with all the chicken nuggets that they can toss up to me, so I thiiiink I’ll be just fine.

4. The Haiku Stairs

Here’s a haiku for you:

These stairs are ugly.
The views look like my dog’s poop.
Only dumb dumbs hike.

5. The Seven Sacred Pools

Pools without chlorine??! No thanks! I’ll stick with the pool at my local YMCA where the massive amounts of pee are from people I know and see at the grocery store every Sunday.

6. The Bamboo Forest

The only thing this incredibly horrid forest reminds me of is Panda Bears, and that reminds me of the Chinese who are trying to take away our economy! Keep jobs American soil and our bears grizzly, guys!

7. Kilauea Volcano

Lava is just hot rocks. And there are plenty of dumb rocks in my own backyard! I don’t need to see nature’s majesty gently exploding out of Earth’s inner core to witness something beautiful. You like rocks? Try watching the cinematic treasure, San Andreas starring our own Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Now that movie knows how to dazzle.

8. Sunset Beach

This beach is not even half the beach Daytona Beach is. At Daytona Beach, you can race cars. At this beach you can what? Relax on the soft, white sand while sunshine pours over you? LAME.

9. The Garden Of Eden Arboretum

The big draw here seems to be the Eucalyptus trees which have colorful bark that looks as if it’s been painted on. Look a three-year-old could paint better than nature can. At least they’re attempting shapes and mostly potty-trained. This garden is just sad.

10. Waimea Canyon

I’ll give you Waimea: Why (would) me-a ever go to there? Especially when there are perfectly good rock quarries all over Illinois that I can take a 12 pack of Bud Light to. Amirite?