AUUUUUGH! It’s that time of year — the two week stretch before Christmas when your employer throws a holiday party, inviting you to share the spirit of the season by drinking a lot and also possibly having sex with a co-worker who you didn’t even like that much before that third eggnog really kicked in. (Pro Tip #1: Don’t do that.)
What can you, a totally cool and well-adjusted person, do to avoid the many traps and minefields that are placed before you any time co-workers gather in a setting like this? Good news: We’ve put together a foolproof guide that will help you dodge every single (reasonable) social faux pas and let you enjoy the time you spend with your co-workers (or friends) in a way that won’t leave them shocked and you vaguely embarrassed (or vice vera).
Bring a date, if you can
It doesn’t matter if you have to hire someone to show up with you, you’ve got to bring someone to the party if plus-ones are allowed. Why? Two reasons: One, it’s awkward as all hell to roll into a party by yourself and then try to make small-talk without any backup. Yeah, you may know Jane from accounting on the day-to-day, but Christmas parties just make things so weird. Everyone’s dressed up and pretending they’re someone else and showing off for their families. It’s nice to have someone in your corner to make you seem interesting.
Two, you need someone to monitor your alcohol intake and let you know when it’s time to settle down. A good party wingman — your significant other or just any other human who is available — will recognize that this party is more about you, that you’re somewhat anxious, and that you may choose to make yourself feel more festive by drinking a few shots and then eating most of a bowl of chips that has somehow been left unattended. And then they’ll stop you! Hopefully, they’ll also politely to remind you that you’re “not really a dancer” when the host’s iPod goes on shuffle and you decide that sliding across the floor on an office chair in an attempt to re-enact “Wrecking Ball” is a good way to make friends and influence people.
Limit yourself to two drinks
There are many things that celebrity matchmaker Patti Stanger is wrong about. Most of those things have to do with love (which is ironic, considering her job title). But there’s one thing she’s right about, and it’s this: Never, ever have more than two drinks at a holiday party. Three max. Not only will it save you from doing something embarrassing like yakking your brains out on your boss, but it’ll also ensure that you won’t have a hangover. That’s important, because hangovers lead to anxiety. And you’re probably going to be plenty anxious about “how you did” regardless, so you don’t want all that clouding your judgment.
Drinking too much can also lead to doing things that aren’t great for you. These include gossiping about people who are in the bathroom (don’t!), confronting people above you with some harsh truths about their lives and management styles (please! no!), and the aforementioned sex with co-workers and other assorted people that would otherwise have automatically made it onto your no-fly list.
Don’t talk about the big issues
This is very important because, currently, there are a lot of big issues to talk about. Should you take those issues up with your family? Absolutely. But don’t let your sense of “right” turn you into “this evening’s lecturer” when everyone’s just trying to have a good time, collect their goddamn bonus (Jelly-of-the-Month club here we come!), and pretend that there’s no other place they’d want to be than in an Applebee’s with everyone they just saw three hours prior.
Of course, we’re not saying you should STFU and grit your teeth through anyone saying something offensive or racist. If that happens: call the person on it. But you want the event to be remembered as more cordial than chilly (because it could have repercussions for your job) and you certainly don’t want to show up at work on Monday just to be labeled “that guy who wouldn’t shut up about that thing.”
Remember: Your goal here is to show up, mingle, and then get yourself over to a local IHOP for a post-mortem about why everyone you work with is great but also kind of sucks (that’s literally how almost every conversation about work goes, right?).
Dress to impress, but don’t dress to kill
We both know that humans are petty, vindictive, judgmental beings. If they weren’t, you wouldn’t have even clicked on this thing because you’d have literally nothing to worry about. But they are, so you’re going to have to watch yourself (even if the first episode of this season of Black Mirror has inspired you not to give a s*it what others think about you).
What does watching yourself entail? Aside from not getting drunk and throwing up, you should also make an effort to dress nicely for this shindig. That doesn’t mean you should rent a tux (in fact, overdressing is just as problematic as underdressing), but if the event’s being held off-site, you should show up dressed differently than you do for work. Jeans and a nice shirt? Fine! Slacks and a jacket? Great! Hoodie over a t-shirt? You need to check yourself before you get wrecked by the party-planning committee over by the punch table.
Resist the urge to spill everything
This is super important, but you’re probably going to forget it by your second drink, so write it down somewhere before you make your great entrance: Don’t gossip. The people you’re going to spend your evening with may look and feel different than they usually do (because you’re drinking near a Christmas tree as opposed to making idle chatter by the copier), but they, like you, will all revert back to their traditional roles come daybreak. That doesn’t mean that striking up a new friendship isn’t a good idea, but you should absolutely consider your new friend an acquaintance versus a trusted confidante.
You never know who they know! (Or are related to.)
This goes double for anyone you work with directly. Holiday parties may feel like the perfect time to let your hair down and just unleash all your feelings about everyone — because you’re having so much fun! — but they’re really, really not. And everything you say can be used against you in a court of law or a meeting which HR will invite you to Monday morning. Pro tip #2: Stay as far away from anyone in HR as you possibly can at the party.
Put that cell phone away
Feeling awkward? So is everyone else! So put away your cell phone, straighten yourself up, and slide out from the corner you’ve been ensconced in all night. Then walk up to someone and compliment their outfit or wish them the happiest of holidays. Look at that: You’ve made a potential new friend (or at least someone to talk to for 3-5 minutes).
Don’t try for a promotion while the band’s taking a break
Since the holidays are all about acceptance and togetherness, it’s easy to think that a few days before Christmas would be the best time to approach a higher-up, make yourself known, and give them your elevator pitch about why you’d make a great VP of something…anything. And with a few glasses of cheap white under your belt, you may even think this is a great idea rather than just the run-of-the-mill good ones you usually have. But it’s not. And you must stop yourself by any means necessary.
The truth is, the big bosses are probably at this party for the same reason you are — because they have to be. So if you come at them with your verbal resume they’re going to be bemused, bothered, and bewildered — not to mention annoyed. The best thing you could actually do is walk on up, introduce yourself politely, make some small talk (our guide here!) and then wander away to enjoy the rest of the party. The upshot? They’ll now know your name (assuming they also followed the “two drink” rule) and you can possibly make inroads in the near future.
Send a “nice meeting you email” a few days later and you’re good!
Never steal food
This is a thing that happens every year. Everyone knows. Everyone talks about it. Don’t be that guy. (Also don’t eat like a monster, but you knew that already.)
Show up
As tempting as the idea of staying home may be, it’s important to remember that these company “togetherness” events are basically mandatory in a lot of places — some companies even make them happen during work time — so showing up without a really good excuse isn’t really an option. If you can convincingly fake being sick or are really out of town at the time, you’re home free! Otherwise, if someone finds out you were just faking to not show up, there may be some unofficial repercussions and a few cold shoulders. “If I had to show up,” your co-workers will reason “then who’s this person to think that they’re better?” It’s not fair. It’s not nice. And there’s nothing you can do about that.
You know what, though? You can absolutely show up late. And you don’t have to stay long! But you might decide to, because holiday parties are kinda-sorta fun. With the right crowd they can be really fun. Just don’t get too excited be make sure to hit the IHOP after. That’s also mandatory.
