Actual Ice Cream Flavors That Are Way, Way Worse Than Mayonnaise

07.27.18 3 months ago 16 Comments

Uproxx

Look, we’re living in strange times. Insane times. Wildly upsetting times. Frankly, there’s so much material to be upset about every single day that I find myself slowly becoming more tears than human being. More outrage than flesh. More strangled expletives than writer.

Now, if you know me at all, you’ll know that I am rarely hyperbolic. But I was upset again recently when I found out Mayonnaise ice cream is a thing because the only reasonable conclusion I could come to is that God is dead and there is no meaning or goodness in the world and we all may as well Purge all the time because…

WHAT IS EVEN THE CONCEPT OF EVIL IF PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO JUST GO AROUND PUTTING MAYONNAISE IN ICE CREAM WITH NO BIBLICAL CONSEQUENCES. WHAT HAS BECOME OF US? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING???

And as I stood on my lawn at midnight, shrieking this at the moon, I realized something. There are way grosser flavors you could have than mayonnaise ice cream. We haven’t, as humans, crossed every barrier, right? I began, for the first time in months, to calm down. It’s just mayo and ice cream. It’s gross, but hey, it’s not like there’s ice cream made out of blood. ha. ha.

So, I set out to write an article of fake ice creams that have yet to be invented. To make myself feel better. And in doing so, I started googling. My God, the googling. Because let me tell you, I couldn’t find a single thing (the worst, most disgusting things) I could think of that wasn’t already an ice cream. No one would put mustard in an ice cream, I whimpered.

And yet. And yet…

Oh Dear Reader, I am so sad.

And maybe it’s silly to be disgusted and saddened by ice cream flavors when so many other terrible things are happening in the world. But I’m hanging on by a thread. A THREAD. And so tonight, when I return to my front yard to shriek of all that makes no sense in our world at the moon. I will scream extra hard. And this time, I will hope that the neighborhood wolves take me. And all of us. Out of mercy. For all is lost.

All. Is. Lost.

Anyway, these are the REAL ice creams that make me the saddest. Happy Friday, I guess.

Pig’s Blood Ice Cream

Hey — I like a bucket full of pig’s blood as much as anyone. Probably more than most people. You can write notes to your enemies (or editors!) with it. You can pour it all over your clothes to get a better seat on the subway. You can drop it on that dorky girl in high school who almost, definitely, probably doesn’t have the power of telekinesis. It’s very versatile. But one thing you should never do with pig’s blood is eat it. I’m sorry, but I have to draw a line in the sand on this one.

I was going to look up the details of how pig’s blood ice cream is made so that I could give you all some snappy information to share at parties or whatever (I find talking about pig’s blood always makes one pretty popular at the parties. I’m. Very. Popular.), but here’s the thing: When I googled pig’s blood ice cream, the phrase, “The blood makes it so creamy” came up. And I vomited. And then I died. And now I’m dead. So… I don’t know what to tell you. I’m a ghost and my non-corporeal form no longer has fingers to google. You’ll have to find out how it’s made on your own.

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