IKEA Recalls Beach Chairs Because They’re Trying To Kill You And Take Over The World

Life & Culture Editor
01.27.17

The movies tell us one thing: If there’s any non-human/non-ghost entity out there trying to murder you and take your precious blood it’s either a giant plant from another planet, rotten tomatoes, some kind of swamp monster, or, even more terrifyingly (in thought, but not in execution) nature in its entirety. But what Hollywood never considered is that there’s another much more terrifying force trying to take our life force, and it’s an IKEA beach chair.

Gizmodo reports that the company — whose sins I will always forgive because of their food section — is recalling their Mysingsö beach chairs, which were sold between 2013 and 2016 (in a variety of delightful colors) and which are now known to be better at slicing one’s fingers off rather than quietly being sat upon while you read the latest New York Times Bestseller which totally ripped off of Gone Girl.

13 people have been injured by the chairs, so far. Six of those people had the misfortune of getting their fingertips lopped off (that sounds more pleasant than “amputated”) and will now have to spend the rest of their lives either telling people the truth about how it happened or coming up with more and more preposterous stories of how they came to be missing a finger. If it were me, I’d tell them what a gentleman with three fingers who was repairing my TV once told me: “I bit them off when I got angry.” That’ll teach people not to mess with you.

If you’re one of the 34,000 people who own this chair and would like to foil its plans of lulling you into a false sense of comfort and then — BAM — stealing your appendages when you’re least expecting it, you can return the chair for a full refund or a replacement. You don’t need to bring a receipt and, Gizmodo notes, you don’t need to prove that your finger was taken off, either.

Strangely enough, while the chair is being recalled in the United States, Australia, and Canada (among other countries), it’s apparently totally okay for the good people of Saudi Arabia, who can still enjoy the chair in good cheer and good health.

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