Imagine. It’s late. You’ve had one, maybe two too many drinks. All those inhibitions that were supposed to stop you from getting an extra patty on your burger dissolved midway through that last Manhattan or Absinthe. You jump in an Uber, or on the nearest metro, or start walking in one primary direction. Your destination is pulling you along like a massive electro-magnet. Soon, you’re stumbling along like the undead — craving dirty, delectable drunk food. But what exactly? A burrito the size of a new born baby, a messy burger with all the styles, some noodles so spicy you’ll still be sweating when you wake up tomorrow?
We all have our go to late night indulgences. We asked our unflappable quorum of writers do tell us their go-to nosh after a late night.
POUTINE
The Canadian half of me is making my ancestry proud, because my favorite drunk snack is poutine. Whenever I drink, I get the munchies for heavy, savory things — probably to sop up the alcohol in my stomach — and that’s exactly what poutine is. It’s the perfect combination of flavors and textures, and you don’t even need to have the coordination to hold a fork to eat it. Plus, there’s a poutine place a block away from my apartment, so it’s always an accessible stop on the walk back from my favorite brewpub. – E.S. Huffman
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SMOKED SALMON BELLIES
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The combination of salt, fat, sugar, and fish just seem right to me. I love smoked fish of all varieties. A smoked salmon belly is basically the king of all the cuts of smoked fish. Similar to most human bellies, salmon have an amazing amount of fat to cut through the lean. The deep pink of a salmon lean turns into a buttery, smokey, luscious morsel of delight when warm or cold smoked in a dry rub of sea salt and brown sugar. It’s like a fatty and unctuous piece of fishy candy. It’s perfect to soak up all that alcohol sloshing around your belly.
The only down side is that you’ll probably need a shower before climbing into bed, otherwise you’ll wake up smelling like a smoked salmon house in the morning. –Zach Johnston
TATER TOT CASSEROLE
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I spent the summer of 2009 drunk in my friend’s pool. We’d float around and drink whiskey and watch bad movies and, on the good nights, over imbibe at an olympic level. On those nights, she’d saunter into the kitchen and make what I have come to regard as the world’s absolute most perfect drunk food: tater tot casserole. It’s a simple dish, a mixture of cream and butter and green beans and ground beef, topped with a crust of tater tots, topped with cheese. It covers the entire drunk food spectrum, and with the generous addition of hot sauce it is an almost holy meal. Tater tot casserole is so good that, on more than one occasion, I would purposefully drink more, because I knew it would make everything taste so much better. That’s right, I said it, my friend’s tater tot casserole is good enough to get drunk in preparation of.
After all, drunkenness is the most delicious spice. – David Pemberton
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THE SCREAMER
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Look, bear with me. Imagine that 80% of the time, your diet consists of whole foods and healthy stuff that you feed your entire family. Maybe you don’t even drink JUICE because there’s too much sugar. So when you’re drunk, you’d want… the opposite of that, right? Yes. So, I introduce to you: THE SCREAMER.
Assuming you’re drunk — but have a designated driver or Uber or are within walking distance — you’ll need to find a place where you can get soft serve ice cream AND a slushie. Burger King has both, but near my house, there’s a 7-Eleven across the street from a McDonald’s, so that’s usually where I go all in.
Buy yourself a small cup of vanilla soft serve ice cream and a large slushie. I prefer Coke slushies, but any flavor will work, especially if you’re drunk. Fill it up about ¾ of the way full, and then dump in your soft serve and blend it together. It tastes like sweet saccharine sex. The best ice cream float you’ve ever had. A little trashy, but so worth it. Oh, and why is it called The Screamer? Just wait until you get the worst brain freeze of your life, and then you’ll know. –Jennifer C. Martin
CHICKEN LAKSA
I’m very, very temped to say “burrito” but, considering my unique palate, that would be my answer for pretty much any food question that might be posed. Since I’m a fancy food writer, I’ll go a little further afield and answer: Chicken Laksa. This dish is of Malaysian origin, but the version I’m referring to are the ones served in Australia, out of the windows of food trucks.
Laksa is a little like ramen. It’s an herbaceous, soup — flavored with shrimp paste, lemongrass, and ginger (among other things). But what’s really important is that it’s spicy. So spicy that you’ll surely consider not finishing it. Then you’ll remember the rich, unctuous flavor — hiding between layers of “fuck that’s spicy” — and go back for more.
These pictures show bowls but I’ve never eaten chicken laksa from one. In Australia it’s served in a plastic quart jug. At the bottom, you’ll find a sponge-like egg, absorbing broth, ready for its next gig: soaking up the booze in your stomach.
