A fun reminder: Rich people — they’re literally nothing like us. And if you want more evidence, you need look no further than this just-dropped movie trailer for a $100 million mansion. A movie trailer. For a house. When most of us are renting (or even buying), we’re lucky to get a few pictures and maybe a cookie while on the tour. Rich people? They need customized soundtracks and people dipping themselves in gold paint before they’ll even look at square footage.
Let’s watch this mid-2000s Lady Gaga fantasy together, shall we?
A few questions: Is this a high-concept video that’s supposed to double as someone’s senior art project or do rich people care about masturbating in VR headsets next to windows that offer sweeping views of Los Angeles? And why is this home haunted by gold-clothed women who look like they’ve never had a day of fun in their lives? Do they come with the home? Are they real or is this like the porn parody of American Horror Story: Murder House in which the ghosts have gentle sex with you (after you’re done with the VR headset, though, because they’re polite) before offering you a drink from the automatic winestation (a real thing that is in this house and also a good call because the sexy bartender is blinded by her gold mask!), and then inviting you to wander over to the car showroom that’s supposed to be a garage where they’ll gyrate unhappily next to a car while you watch?
Confidential to ghosts: If the unfinished business you have to take care of after your death involves you putting on a bejeweled mask and then dropping it like it’s hot in a wine cellar, you have lived your life right. Well done.
Confidential to everyone involved with this ad: WHY?
Confidential to Bill Hader: Bring back Stefon so he can explain this house to us in excruciating details. You don’t even have to make anything up! It’s all in the ad! This place truly has everything!
Anyway, here are the specs for all this O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E. Put in a bid!
OPUS
Beverly Hills’ most expensive property.
Interior features of this state of the art dream home include:
• Roberto Cavalli flooring
• 15-seat curved screen theater with JBL Synthesis Audio
• 2 massive bars, one of which has “Winestation” that preserves and dispenses glasses with the exact amount and temperature
• Gourmet Show Kitchen w/ iPad controlled Top Brewer coffee machine
• State of the Art “Savant” Home Automation and Security
• Privacy and protection ensured through a private entrance
• Longhi doors in suede and embossed leather
• Specially commissioned golden sculpture adorning the large motor court
• Separate Catering/Event Kitchen
So… gold people not included? BYO gold people? Come on realtors to the stars, stop crushing our dreams!
